Fuck yes, I'm handing out pennies, pencils, and organic raisins on Halloween. Sooner they learn life is full of disappointments the better

— beth can't with this (@bourgeoisalien) October 4, 2016

I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it's just a cute Halloween display

— beth can't with this (@bourgeoisalien) October 18, 2016

How do you scare people on the Internet for #Halloween? Type something deep, meaningful and inspirational.

— Lance Burson (@lanceburson) October 26, 2016

I've been told I have to get a #halloweencostume today. Apparently the dark circles under my eyes & resting jerk face aren't scary enough.

— Lance Burson (@lanceburson) October 7, 2016

For Halloween this year I'm going as a fatter version of myself last year.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) October 12, 2016

My mind's telling me no, but my body, my body is still eating all of the Halloween candy.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) November 1, 2015

My toddler is at the perfect age where she's old enough to get candy trick or treating but too young to eat it.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) October 3, 2016

Stalin probably handed out bags of pretzels on Halloween.

— Lord Goomba (@ObscureGent) November 1, 2014

Not enough sexy Ruth Bader Ginsburg Halloween costumes this year. Smh fam

— Lord Goomba (@ObscureGent) October 23, 2016

I saw a box of doughnuts dropped in the street and hit by a semi truck. Now I can finally relate to the dad in Pet Cemetery.

— Lord Goomba (@ObscureGent) October 25, 2016

8 year old: Can't sleep. I'm scared

Me: I can turn on a light but would you really wanna see if something crawls out from under your bed?

— 💤ack (@Mr_Kapowski) October 1, 2016

8 year old daughter: Trick or treat!

Elderly woman at door: *gives her candy corn*

Me: Next time just say you want your house egged, lady

— 💤ack (@Mr_Kapowski) October 27, 2016

I like watching bubbles dance in my wine glass, in aquariums, in the sunlit sky and in the last breath you take underwater.

— Beatriz (@wittwitbarista) October 10, 2016

Halloween Costume Idea: Creepy Guy From Twitter

— Tom Foolery, OB/GYN (@Chyld) October 16, 2014

OK Mr Frank N. Stein, do you have any questions about your new loan? "Raaaawr!" Yes sir, we offer drafting from your checking account.

— Tom Foolery, OB/GYN (@Chyld) March 29, 2011

Last Halloween, instead of a costume, I wore YOUR MOM.

— Tom Foolery, OB/GYN (@Chyld) October 26, 2016

In honor of my ex, this Halloween I'm going as a "Slutty pile of clothes on the floor, 3 feet from the God Damn Hamper!"

— Tom Foolery, OB/GYN (@Chyld) October 30, 2014

Make your trip to the clinic whimsical by telling the doctor that a slutty Jane Goodall gave you a rash on your Hallowiener.

— Mr. Bea Arthur (@FuckabillyRex) October 26, 2016

Canadian Halloween is in May.

— Mr. Bea Arthur (@FuckabillyRex) September 28, 2016

-I wish I was a woman so I could be a witch.
-You know you could be a wizard, right?
-Mostly I just wish I was a woman.

— Mr. Bea Arthur (@FuckabillyRex) December 20, 2015

The PTA didn't like my Catwoman costume at Halloween, so I wonder what they'll think when I'm dressed as Sailor Moon for back to school?

— Mr. Bea Arthur (@FuckabillyRex) July 20, 2015

Huh. You don't say. That bondage gal's favorite holiday is Halloween!

— Natty Lumpo (@nattylumpo88) October 27, 2016

My Halloween costume this year is Donald Trump because, self-loathing.

— Henry 3000 (@Henry_3000) October 28, 2016

carving my way through aquarium millabouts to the sea puppy petting pond like Blade streamlining ninjas to Blood God Deacon Frost

— taffy bennington (@singwithTaffy) July 9, 2015

You are the sunshine in myyy eye
That's why I morphed into a hellhound

— taffy bennington (@singwithTaffy) May 16, 2016

When I'm president I'm doing away with all holidays except Halloween but we'll rename it Christoween so the Christians don't freak out.

— Banana Graveyard (@bananagrvyrd) November 25, 2015

A group of humans is called a panic attack

— Banana Graveyard (@bananagrvyrd) March 5, 2016

I love how I think this six pound bag of candy will have anything but wrappers left on Halloween.

— Banana Graveyard (@bananagrvyrd) October 26, 2016

Every Halloween, I send 2 random kids to my neighbors house again and again, dressed in different costumes, until she figures it out.

— Burgess & Basil (@praisecheese) October 30, 2015

*dresses up like Godzilla for Halloween
*fuckin' DESTROYS Legoland

— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) October 30, 2014

*makes a recording of you saying Halloween is your favorite holiday so you don’t have to tell me again every year*

— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) October 26, 2016

Movies about ghosts promote the lie that ghosts are real when only ghost ships are real.

— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) October 4, 2016

If I'm turned into a vampire this Halloween, I hope it's Count Chocula who turns me.

— Bandersnaaatch (@Bandersnaaatch) October 30, 2013

I'm giving out popcorn balls and apples for Halloween. If you think I only disappoint my family on holidays, you'd be wrong.

— Böb Snake Eyes Jänke (@Bob_Janke) October 27, 2016

I want to write horror movie reviews just so I can overuse the phrase "stabbed silly".

— Justin (@ThePocketJustin) September 18, 2016

Is Loomis the security company formed by Loomis from Halloween? That doesn't fill me with confidence. He did fuck all about Michael Myers.

— Justin (@ThePocketJustin) July 17, 2016

MAD SCIENTIST: "Drink my pumpkin spice elixir. Cause mayhem at the clubs and the white girls can't even."

*Takes drink. Checks for abs.*

— Rev.Thurl Ravenscrof (@2tickytacky) October 27, 2015

What circle of hell is a "costumes required!" Halloween party? I need to get this RSVP right.

— Jeff Newton (@yonewt) October 26, 2016

The scariest part about Friday the 13th is when Annie Phillips pulls over to ask for directions to Camp Crystal Lake.

— Casey Duncan (@caseytduncan) October 26, 2016

if you put religious materials in my kids Halloween candy – my Black Sabbath cover band will come a caroling for Christmas

— Seamus O'flaugherty (@seamussaid) November 1, 2015

this is the year you can get your revenge on hoodlum trick-or-treaters by dropping frozen cat piss cubes in their bags instead of candy

— Seamus O'flaugherty (@seamussaid) October 5, 2015

You heard me, kid. I'm gonna steal your candy the same way you stole my future.

— Lemming Däd (@LemmingDad) October 26, 2015

A fanpire is a de-fanged vampire that follows you around on Halloween telling you you're still young enough to pull off that costume.

— Crow Magnom (@distracted_monk) October 26, 2016

Halloween: Just twenty-five shopping days until Black Friday.

— G. M. Lupo (@gmatt63) October 27, 2016

If horror movies have taught me anything it's that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.

— antisocialsocialist (@gobmentcheese) May 14, 2015

I'm just handing out diabetes this year for Halloween.

— antisocialsocialist (@gobmentcheese) October 4, 2016

Ghost: Get out of the house! Oh wait, is that a karaoke machine?

— antisocialsocialist (@gobmentcheese) July 5, 2016

That awkward moment when the exorcism fails and you're just stuck with a weirdo in your house.

— antisocialsocialist (@gobmentcheese) March 31, 2016