“Welcome to another exciting edition of, Name That Russian; the game show where everyone is a loser. I’m your host, Phil Bankrupt. Our first contestant is Jared Kushner. Jared, tell the audience about yourself. ”

“What audience?”

“The cameraman and that one old guy in the raincoat, who always sits in the back row.”

“I’m a J. Crew mannequin and I’m married to Ivanka Trump. We have an open relationship; she let’s me see other money.”

“Fantastic! Are you ready to play, Name That Russian?”

“Wait, I thought this was, Fox and Friends.”

“No, you’re on the game show Name That Russian.”

“I got confused.”

“No problem Jared; people confuse our two game shows all the time. Are you ready?

“Yes, I’m ready Phil.”

“I worked in the Soviet Ministry of Foreign Affairs and then on to First Secretary Counselor at the Embassy of the Soviet Union. I’m currently a Russian Ambassador to the United States and met several times with former U.S. National Security Advisory, Mike Flynn. Jared, can you name that Russian?”

“Am I getting paid for this?”

“No, that is incorrect; the correct answer is Sergey Kislyak. Sorry, you didn’t get it right, but we have a parting gift for you; it’s an amazing, douchey new sweater vest.”

“I like money.”

“And we like money too, here on Name That Russian. I owe back alimony and child support. Our next contestant is Carter Page. Carter, tell everyone a little about yourself.”

“I’m a grown man with dimples.”

“Yes you are! Tell me Carter, are you ready to play Name that Russian?

“Am I under oath?”

“No, you are not under oath.”

“Then yes, I’m ready.”

“I was Chairman of Management Board at State Corporation Bank and then worked for Yukos Moscow Oil Company. I’m currently Chairman of the Board at Vnesheconombank, a bank specifically named in UN sanctions and I repeatedly had business meetings with Jared Kushner, son-in-law to the President of the United States. Carter, can you name that Russian?”

“I don’t know, but I didn’t meet with him outside of Cleveland.”

“Of course you didn’t. The correct answer is Sergey Gorkov. Sorry to see you go, but we have a parting gift for you. Carter, you will take home with you, this brand new pile of garbage.”

“I’m white.”

“Indeed you are Carter. Our next contestant is Donald Trump. Donald, tell the folks at home about yourself.”

“First of all, you have to change the slogan of your show. It should be the game show, where everyone is a loser except Trump.”

“I will talk to our executive producers after the show.”

“I like to golf, ignore my family, put my name on yuge buildings, everything I say is a lie and most importantly, I’m a winner.”

“Outstanding! Are you–”

“Wait. Wait a second; I almost forgot. I’m also President of the United States.”

“I know; that’s why I’m an alcoholic. Alright, let’s get started. I was a KGB Officer for sixteen years. I was also Prime Minister of Russia. I like to ride horses with my shirt off, I have everyone killed who opposes me. I’m the current President of Russia and my country hacked your shit show of an election. Donald, can you name that Russian?”

“Call me, Mr. President Trump. Yes, I know this one; it is so easy. The answer is Vladimir Putin.”

“Vladimir Putin is the correct answer. Mr. President Trump, you win our grand prize. It’s a lovely 2017 impeachment.”

“I hate peaches.”

“Well, that’s all the time today we have for Name That Russian, the game show where everyone is a loser, except Trump. I’m late to see my parole officer. Tune in next week, where the godfather of the Italian mob, Paul Manafort, will throw money at the audience.”