Bacon Saves The World – Chapter 3 by Bryan Robertson & Marietta Rodgers

kevinbacon

Debris or Not to Debris

Scientists from NASA have not been able to identify what they are calling ‘debris’ yet. The only thing they know at this time, is that it is moving very rapidly and is now approaching Mars. At this point, the debris is on a path towards Earth, but that could change at any given moment. The president is expected to address the nation within the hour. Mike Brown, who was recently reinstated as director of FEMA by the president, has called the crisis, ‘not a Katrina type situation.’ He has asked that everyone remain calm as this mystery unfolds. Stanley Johnson, director of Homeland Security, when asked about the debris said, ‘I don’t want to speculate at this time.’ And now, we go live on the streets in front of Trump Towers in New York, where mourners light candles in remembrance of Donald Trump. He died one year ago today, tragically being crushed to death by a construction worker. Trumps death left not only a hole in our hearts, but also a half constructed wall between Mexico and the United States, which the Mexican citizens call, ‘Ese muro gringos es estupido.’ We don’t know what that means, but we assume it is a tribute to a true patriot. We will show the footage, that President Bacon, who was witness to the event, recorded on his phone and immediately uploaded to YouTube after Trump’s untimely death; where it would go on to receive more views than David Hasselhoff’s drunken cheeseburger rant.

Kitty Catan, first husband Mick Cage-Bacon, Lorenzo Abbatantuono, the owner of the Cherubim Café, the waiter, which we decided to name Tom and other patrons of the Cherubim Café, all stood around watching the news in stunned silence.

“This is terrifying,” Kitty said.

“I agree; Jenna Lee should fire her hair stylist immediately,” Mick said.

“I meant about the debris headed towards Earth.”

“Oh yes, that could be problematic,” Mick said.

“This is not good, not like my hot pastrami, hey,” Lorenzo added jokingly and nudging the first husband in the ribs, but stopped as one of the Secret Service agents drew his gun.

Tad Hall, also known as @BootyBlaster69, walks in to look for his brother Geoff. Geoff, who has still not yet been seated, also watched the news broadcast. He sees his twin brother and waves to get his attention.

“I don’t see Rose here. I don’t think she’s coming,” Tad said.

“I would give her the benefit of the doubt; the end of the world is a pretty good reason not to meet someone for lunch,” Geoff said.

“Yeah I agree—wait what? I thought the debris was predicted to miss Earth?”

“Maybe it will; maybe it won’t. I’m just saying your crush may have wanted to handle more important things. If it makes you feel any better, I’ve also been stood up for the same reason,” Geoff said.

“Someone stood you up, because they thought the world was ending?”

“Yeah, turns out this girl was in a cult and her cult leader said the world was ending right at our date time,” Geoff said.

“What happen to the girl, obviously the world didn’t end? Tad asked.

“The next day when the world didn’t end, they all killed themselves in a mass suicide.”

“What? When was this? I can’t believe you didn’t tell me about that.”

“It’s a little embarrassing to have someone commit suicide rather than have a date with you,” Geoff said.

“I see your point. Well, since we are here, do you want to go ahead and get a sandwich? I’m starving.”

“Hopefully they will call our name soon. The reason it’s so crowded is because apparently the first husband is here,” Geoff said.

“Really! I’ve never been a big fan of any of his movies.”

“I kind of liked, Sex and the City and Death. They are supposed to be making a third one.”

“How are they going to do that? I thought he was pummeled by a rolling bale of hay, beheaded and then castrated by ninjas,” Tad said.

“It’s Hollywood, they can and will do anything they want, if they think people will still pay to see it,” Geoff said.

Tad was about to comment, when the sound of glass breaking, screams and a whizzing bullet, made him stop in his tracks. Someone had thrown a brick through the front window causing chaos. The moment the glass shattered, three of the Secret Service agents dove on the first husband, nearly crushing him. One agent fired his gun in the air, which created more panic.

“What’s going on?” Tad asked terrified.

“I guess it’s starting,” Geoff said calmly.

Tad and Geoff are identical twins, but their personalities couldn’t be more different. Tad was always anxious and nervous. He could get overwhelmed easily and Geoff always remained calm, no matter what the situation. He had nerves of steel.

“The looting has started.”

“What are we going to do? This is terrible,” Tad said.

“I know; I was really looking forward to a hot pastrami sandwich,” Geoff said.

The Secret Service agents start to peel off the pile, to reveal a very crumpled first husband.

“Are you alright?” Kitty asked.

“This isn’t the first time I’ve had three men on me,” Mick said with a wink that no one could see, due to his face being muffled by a crotch of one of the agents.

“You can hop off anytime now, Larry, Darryl, and Darryl.”

“What should we do?” Tom the waiter asked Lorenzo.

Lorenzo simply shrugged his shoulders and took a bite of the half-eaten sandwich on the table closest to him. Everyone focused on the café owner, who was devouring some stranger’s meal. He paused, feeling everyone’s eyes on him.

“What? I eat when I’m nervous hey,” He said with a mouth full of food.

“We need to get Mr. Cage-Bacon out of the café and into a more secure location,” Larry said.

Darryl and Darryl nodded their heads in agreement.

“Is there a rear exit in here?” Darryl number two asked Lorenzo.

“You said, ‘rear exit,'” Larry said and snorted.

Kitty rolled her eyes at the sophomoric joke.

“Kitty is coming with,” Mick added.

“Sir,” said Darryl number one, “Our priority is getting you to safety.”

“Okay. Well first of all, Darryl, I know what your priorities are, because need I remind you that I played a British Secret Service agent in last year’s, In Her Majesty’s Secret Cervix. Secondly, I’m in charge here. So, I say we’re taking Kitty with us and now Lorenzo and Tom the waiter too,” Mick said.

“Actually,” Tom the waiter said, “my name is-”

“Don’t tell us your real name. Tom the waiter is easier to remember and besides, I have you pegged as the red jumper in the group. Now lead the way,” Mick said.

Throughout the café, patrons were watching people outside lose their shit. Geoff dashed to the door and fastened the lock.

“What are you doing?” Tad asked.

“If that insanity makes its way in here, we’ll never get a table,” Geoff said as calmly as one would expect to hear from James Bond.

“But Rose…”

Geoff laughed. “You said, ‘Butt Rose’.”

Tad tried not to look amused, but he couldn’t help it; his brother’s immaturity always made him laugh. He hoped he could figure out a way to turn, Butt Rose into a tweet later.

Geoff motioned to the back of the café near the gender neutral restrooms.

Tad turned to see the TV near the kitchen; it was broadcasting the news.

“Right, let’s see what the hell is happening.”

As they make their way to the back, @KatieTeamEdward, sees her friend Rose outside. She makes her way to the door, to let her in and out of the chaos that is going on outside. Katie was not pretty in the conventional sense. She almost looked like she could be Charlton Heston’s daughter, if Charleston Heston had mated with one of the other apes in Planet of the Apes.

“OMG, Rose… Are you Okay?” Katie asked in a smoky, Kathleen Turner type voice.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Can you believe this?”

“I know, right? They’re saying if these things hit us, we’re like, doomed and what not.”

“I know! I can’t believe I’m going to die a virgin. A hot, eighteen year old virgin, who is probably into bondage and butt stuff. I suppose we’ll never know what kinky stuff I’m into.”

“So hot; so tragic,” Katie agreed.

“Too bad you’re not a guy, Katie.”

Katie laughs sadly, as she sighs under her breath; secretly wishing she could confess her deep, lesbian love for Rose.

“Oh well,” Rose, the eighteen year old virgin, who is probably into bondage and butt stuff said, “Let’s go loot Kohl’s.”

***

In the back of the café, Geoff and Tad reach the TV and before they get the opportunity to absorb the information, which was almost being yelled at them from Channel Twelve’s, Jenna Lee; Tad slams tits first into Kitty Catan.

“Watch it, lady! Um…Kitty?”

“Tad?” Kitty said in surprise.

“Geoff, check it out; your ex is stalking you.”

Geoff peeps over Tad’s shoulder.

“Hi Kitty,” he says and disappears behind his brother again.

“I’m not stalking your brother, moron. I’m here for work,” Kitty explains.

“Right…” Tad remarks in true asshole form.

“Who’s your friend?” Mick asks.

“Oh he’s not my friend,” Kitty is quick to point out. “He’s a lot like that debris that’s headed for us.”

“Hey guys, we have a problem,” Tom the waiter said.

He points to the front, where looters are beginning to spill into the café.

“Hmm… I thought I locked that,” Geoff said calmly.

“Sir!” Larry yelled, “We gotta go now!”

The Secret Service agents begin ushering the first husband out of the rear exit, along with Kitty and company. Tad and Geoff, being the only barrier left between the group and the exit, are forcefully pressed into the back alley like Play-Doh through a keyhole.

“What now?” Tom the waiter asked.

“We have to get the First Gentleman to the White House,” Darryl number two replies, already on the move.

“An adventure!” Mick yells out in excitement. “This will be just like my movie, Temple of Womb… Well, sort of.”

“I didn’t like that movie either,” Tad whispers.

Geoff looks at his brother with resolve, as if he has a solution to this entire mess.

“Do we have time for me to check and see how my last tweet did?”

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