THE MORDANT SCRIBE

Cynical musings of an absurd mind.

Category Archives: Random Musings

Death, Be Not Proud…Not Proud at All

I dwell on death a lot; it’s a morbid hobby of mine. Here are my 16 hilarious thoughts about death. I’m available for eulogies and birthday parties. When I die I'd like to be wrapped in bubble wrap, so my loved ones can take turns popping it at my funeral. — antisocialsocialist (@gobmentcheese) July 14, …

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The Circumlocution Office

  Welcome to the Circumlocution Office. Please fill out these ten pointless forms, so we can throw them in the trash and then set it on fire. If you know your Dickens, the Circumlocution Office was a fictitious office in the novel, Little Dorrit. The CO is a bureaucracy, where nothing gets done and is …

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Review of, But Did You Die?: Setting the Parenting Bar Low

This is the 5th book in the, I Just Want to Pee Alone series and it did not disappoint. BDYD, is a series of essays written by some very funny people, about the rigors of being a parent. You always have anxieties as a parent, no matter how much experience you have, but when you’re a …

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Helpful Tips on How to Get a Job

The process of trying to get a job can be very stressful. You want your resume to really highlight your accomplishments, like your certificate of completion from the Mime Academy of Dramatic Arts. Showcase those skills, like the one time you were able to get that Lego Storm Trooper out of your toddler’s nose, without …

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List of 10 Operator Messages

There are few things that try your patience more, than waiting on hold for customer service. The same generic message is played every few minutes, followed up with elevator music, in the hopes that you will take a cyanide capsule and they don’t have to deal with you. Here’s a list of 10 messages they …

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10 Favorite Lovable Literary Characters

Captain John Yossarian in Catch-22, by Joseph Heller – One of my favorite anti-heroes of all time. I don’t know what Jesus would do, but I know exactly what Yossarian would do, and that is either drink or pretend to be insane. Yossarian is the Bombardier, in the Fighting 256th Squadron during WWII. He is a …

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Trump or Nixon

Trump or Nixon, the trivia game that is fun for the entire family. Which President, either Nixon and/or Trump is the correct answer. Warning: May burst into flames while you’re playing it. I am a paranoid man with an inferiority complex. My attorney general had to recuse himself. I fired the head of the FBI. …

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Facts Are Stubborn Things

Since we live in the age of alternative facts and fake news, here are 20 of my own facts, that everyone should memorize and then use in a job interview. Fact: No one has ever peeled an entire orange. — antisocialsocialist (@gobmentcheese) May 14, 2017 Fun Fact: Facts haven't been fun since 1982. — antisocialsocialist …

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List of 12 Original Out of the Office Replies

Out of the office replies, let your coworkers know that you are out running through a field with cotton candy, while they are stuck in their cubicles, slowly dying. Sure, you can tell everyone that you’re out and when you’ll be back, but that’s boring. Here are 12, out of the office replies you can …

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Mad Trump Beyond Blunderdome

Donald Trump, or ASSter Blaster if you will, runs Bartertown, which is mired in a Russian collusion scandal, that can only be described as a really lame-ass Thunderdome and coincidentally is fueled by the same thing as Bartertown, pig feces. In this arena, it doesn’t matter how many men enter, because they all leave, either …

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