Trump or Nixon, the trivia game that is fun for the entire family. Which President, either Nixon and/or Trump is the correct answer. Warning: May burst into flames while you’re playing it.
I am a paranoid man with an inferiority complex.
My attorney general had to recuse himself.
I fired the head of the FBI.
I established the EPA.
I put a climate denier as head of the EPA.
My Vice President resigned.
I said, “I am not a crook.”
I tried to impede an FBI investigation against me.
I had the special prosecutor fired.
I had an actual list made up of my enemies.
I threatened an American city with martial law.
I taped all my conversations in the Oval Office.
I did not win the popular vote.
I secretly, without Congress knowing, bombed a country and thus destabilized that country for years.
I signed an executive order, banning certain Muslim countries from entering the United States.
I sabotaged a former President’s attempt to negotiate a peace treaty.
I am an orange, robot-monkey with tiny hands.
Since we live in the age of alternative facts and fake news, here are 20 of my own facts, that everyone should memorize and then use in a job interview.
Out of the office replies, let your coworkers know that you are out running through a field with cotton candy, while they are stuck in their cubicles, slowly dying. Sure, you can tell everyone that you’re out and when you’ll be back, but that’s boring. Here are 12, out of the office replies you can use, that will guarantee you will be out of the office for good.
If you’re not following me on Twitter, you hate America and unicorns too probably and for Christ sake, buy one of my books.
Donald Trump, or ASSter Blaster if you will, runs Bartertown, which is mired in a Russian collusion scandal, that can only be described as a really lame-ass Thunderdome and coincidentally is fueled by the same thing as Bartertown, pig feces. In this arena, it doesn’t matter how many men enter, because they all leave, either by resigning, being fired or recusal. No one has gotten out of Blunderdome yet by dying, but don’t worry, there is still plenty of time for that. At this point, it is hard to keep track of how many people have exited Blunderdome, but here are some of the key players.
James Comey – Head of the FBI, not fired immediately when Trump takes office, but on the 107th day into his presidency over, “mishandling of Hillary email investigation.” Certainly there is nothing suspect about firing the top official leading a criminal investigation against you. It’s not obstructing justice; it’s called Tuesday.
Mike Flynn – He’s everything you could want in a National Security Adviser and more. He was fired by Trump after lying about contacts with Russian officials, misleading the Vice President, discussing US sanctions, taking payments from groups associated with foreign governments, lobbying for foreign governments, being vulnerable to blackmail by the Russian government and his recipe for guacamole. (It’s Chipotle)
Preet Bharara – An Obama appointed, US Attorney from NY, who was fired by Trump, because he refused to resign. He was fired, despite the fact he was told by Trump when taking office, that he could keep his job. Bharara was investigating corrupt Russian businessmen with ties to Trump aides. He was also investigating Tom Price, Trump’s head of Health and Human Service Services, who traded health related stocks, while working on legislation affecting those same firms. He was investigating Trump’s favorite news organization, FUX News and former Chief, Roger Ailes, for failure to inform shareholders about sexual harassment settlements. Finally, Bharara was investigating Trump’s claim that Obama wire tapped Trump Tower. So many investigations, so little time.
Sally Yates – Acting Attorney General, who was fired by Trump, after she refused to enforce his executive order on travel and immigration. She told the White House that National Security Adviser, Mike Flynn, was vulnerable to blackmail by the Russians and he misled the Vice President about his conduct. After waiting 18 days and playing a few rounds of golf, Trump took her advice and fired Flynn. She was finally allowed to testify, and she divulged, that she told the White House that National Security Adviser, Mike Flynn was vulnerable to blackmail by the Russians; it was a startling revelation to Republicans.
Jeff Sessions – Attorney General and my favorite character on Dukes of Hazzard, recused himself, from both anything involving the Russian interference with the presidential campaign and the investigation of the Clinton emails, all while consistently sticking his nose into the Russian interference and the Clinton emails. He also failed to disclose that he met with a Russian envoy during his Attorney General confirmations. He committed perjury about disclosing meetings with a Russian Ambassador. Apparently though, it’s not perjury if you say it like Forrest Gump.
Jason Chaffetz – House Oversight Chairman and Soul Glo spokesman, abruptly announced he would not be seeking re-election. Then he announced he had to leave Congress for a month to have immediate surgery on a twelve year old foot injury, but only days later he was back in Congress. Nobody knows what is currently going on with Jason Chaffetz, including Jason Chaffetz. One thing is clear though, he thought it was time to turn in his Nazi Death’s Head ring and Jacuzzi pass, before having to eat a giant fuck sandwich. Thank God he didn’t leave before he voted in favor of the Republican Affordable Care Act.
Carter Page – Former foreign policy adviser and grown man with dimples, resigned after it came out that he lied about discussing sanctions with Russian officials. The FBI obtained a FISA warrant to monitor his links between Russia and the campaign. In order to divert the DOJ from investigating him, he wrote a letter asking them to look into election fraud, disinformation and other abuses of the Hillary Clinton team. He’s available as a male escort, but only in the Cleveland area.
Roger Stone – Former Trump Adviser and evil Keebler Elf, either quit or was fired by Trump, depending on who you ask. He had prior knowledge and tweeted about trouble for the Clinton campaign, right before official John Podesta’s emails were hacked by Wikileaks. Stone had communications with Guccifer 2.0, which is a Nickelback cover band and the alias of Russian hackers that hacked into the 2016 election. The most egregious thing that Stone did by far though, was have Nixon’s face tattooed on his back. (I wish that were a joke)
It’s Friday afternoon; it’s almost time to go and that one coworker, who is always just a little too happy, wants to tell you about their weekend plans and if they don’t catch you on Friday, they will find a way on Monday to corner you and tell you in excruciating detail, all about how they pressure washed their deck. Here are ten full proof ways to nip that right in the bud.
It’s awkward enough, just standing in such close proximity with a stranger in the elevator. A Phil Collins song is playing in the background and you’re both just staring straight ahead and wishing a fiery inferno would consume the elevator. Well, here are ten things that I have posted on my Twitter account you can say, to make things even more awkward.
On the 8th of November, in the United States, in the midst of insanity, Horton heard something that caused a calamity.
Horton turned on Fox News and watched with sad eyes, as the woman he voted for, said her goodbyes.
He couldn’t believe it. Was it just bad luck? When Horton heard Donald Trump won the presidency, he said, “what the fuck?”
No way the President is that silly orange man. No way is it the guy, who was endorsed by the Klan.
The country is doomed now, if this is how it stands. We’ve elected a man with tiny-sized hands.
It was crazy, the things he had said. How did he win? The man couldn’t hold two thoughts in his head.
No, this simply won’t do. He did not win the popular vote. What a big pile of poo!
He’ll destroy our healthcare and hurt the elderly and sick. He’ll get rid of meals on wheels, which made Horton say, “what a dick!”
Trump will sign executive orders right and left and left and right. He’ll roll back Obama’s policies just out of spite.
You just wait and see. He’ll issue a travel band on Muslim countries, which made Horton say, “oh, fuck me!”
His Presidency will be shrouded in Russian hacking and spies. An albino Press Secretary will spin all his lies.
Would everything work out? The chances were small, not with his Chief Strategist, Erwin Rommel, with one ring to rule them all.
They’ll be homophobic and xenophobic polices that aren’t very nice. No indeed, not with a Vice President they carved out of ice.
He’ll have a crazy counselor; the worse to be found. A blonde, who looks like she got spun too fast on the merry-go-round.
Horton did not know what to think. What could he do? Well, first things first, Horton said, “I need a drink!”
Horton drank shot after shot and he got thoroughly drunk. Will this stand? Horton said, “I think not.”
He had a plan. Now he knew what to do. He said, “I will go to D.C,” and then threw up on his shoe.
He would not let democracy die. Horton jumped on his Moped, because he lost his license after his third DUI.
Horton will do something, in that you can trust. He crawled along on his Moped muttering, “impeachment or bust!”
Horton started to feel sick and it was getting dark. He pulled over to lie down on the bench in the park.
Before he passed out he thought, the whole thing really did suck. “I say,” murmured Horton, “what the fuck?”
“Welcome to another exciting edition of, Name That Russian; the game show where everyone is a loser. I’m your host, Phil Bankrupt. Our first contestant is Jared Kushner. Jared, tell the audience about yourself. ”
“The cameraman and that one old guy in the raincoat, who always sits in the back row.”
“I’m a J. Crew mannequin and I’m married to Ivanka Trump. We have an open relationship; she let’s me see other money.”
“Fantastic! Are you ready to play, Name That Russian?”
“Wait, I thought this was, Fox and Friends.”
“No, you’re on the game show Name That Russian.”
“I got confused.”
“No problem Jared; people confuse our two game shows all the time. Are you ready?
“Yes, I’m ready Phil.”
“I worked in the Soviet Ministry of Foreign Affairs and then on to First Secretary Counselor at the Embassy of the Soviet Union. I’m currently a Russian Ambassador to the United States and met several times with former U.S. National Security Advisory, Mike Flynn. Jared, can you name that Russian?”
“Am I getting paid for this?”
“No, that is incorrect; the correct answer is Sergey Kislyak. Sorry, you didn’t get it right, but we have a parting gift for you; it’s an amazing, douchey new sweater vest.”
“I like money.”
“And we like money too, here on Name That Russian. I owe back alimony and child support. Our next contestant is Carter Page. Carter, tell everyone a little about yourself.”
“I’m a grown man with dimples.”
“Yes you are! Tell me Carter, are you ready to play Name that Russian?
“Am I under oath?”
“No, you are not under oath.”
“Then yes, I’m ready.”
“I was Chairman of Management Board at State Corporation Bank and then worked for Yukos Moscow Oil Company. I’m currently Chairman of the Board at Vnesheconombank, a bank specifically named in UN sanctions and I repeatedly had business meetings with Jared Kushner, son-in-law to the President of the United States. Carter, can you name that Russian?”
“I don’t know, but I didn’t meet with him outside of Cleveland.”
“Of course you didn’t. The correct answer is Sergey Gorkov. Sorry to see you go, but we have a parting gift for you. Jared, you will take home with you, this brand new pile of garbage.”
“Indeed you are Carter. Our next contestant is Donald Trump. Donald, tell the folks at home about yourself.”
“First of all, you have to change the slogan of your show. It should be the game show, where everyone is a loser except Trump.”
“I will talk to our executive producers after the show.”
“I like to golf, ignore my family, put my name on yuge buildings, everything I say is a lie and most importantly, I’m a winner.”
“Outstanding! Are you–”
“Wait. Wait a second; I almost forgot. I’m also President of the United States.”
“I know; that’s why I’m an alcoholic. Alright, let’s get started. I was a KGB Officer for sixteen years. I was also Prime Minister of Russia. I like to ride horses with my shirt off, I have everyone killed who opposes me. I’m the current President of Russia and my country hacked your shit show of an election. Donald, can you name that Russian?”
“Call me, Mr. President Trump. Yes, I know this one; it is so easy. The answer is Vladimir Putin.”
“Vladimir Putin is the correct answer. Mr. President Trump, you win our grand prize. It’s a lovely 2017 impeachment.”
“I hate peaches.”
“Well, that’s all the time today we have for Name That Russian, the game show where everyone is a loser, except Trump. I’m late to see my parole officer. Tune in next week, where the godfather of the Italian mob, Paul Manafort, will throw money at the audience.”
Kids birthday parties are getting more and more extreme, with parents trying to come up with a birthday party theme that has never been done before and where money is no object. Gone are the days, where your mom bakes your birthday cake, invites a few of your friends over, you play some lame-ass games of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and all the parents adjourn to the living room to get drunk on martinis. So, here are seven birthday party ideas for your kid, that are sure to be remembered in their therapy sessions.
1. Morgue. What better way to literally let your kid know your dreams are dead, than to surround them with corpses. A mortician will show them how to fix a loved ones’ hair horribly and put them in the dress selected by a relative, that they hated, which is why it was hanging in the back of the closet, so they can wear it for all eternity. Kids will each get their own corpse and a set of paints and paint brushes, so they can design their own face, because creativity never dies.
2. Crack House. Be the talk of the town, by having your kids party in a dilapidated house with broken needles all over the floor. Kids will learn that chemistry is cool, as a junkie, who used to be a banker, shows them the different ways to process and smoke crack. The kids will know just what to do, in the event that someone over doses, by riding along with a junkie, as they drive up to the emergency room entrance, drop the dying person off in front and quickly drive away. You might end up going to jail for a while, but trust me; it will have been well worth it.
3. Improv Class. Your kids will quickly learn how to cry on demand, as the acting instructor, a 70 year old woman, who performed in some obscure plays in the 1950’s, with a cigarette dangling from her lips, yells in a Polish accent, “More emotion! Your acting is garbage!” The kids will get to spend some time pretending to be animals and inanimate objects, but mostly listening to a thirty minute lecture on how the death of Elia Kazan was the death of method acting and how she once seduced Lee Strasberg. The kids will leave with their self-esteem destroyed guaranteed or your money back.
4. Trump Tower. This one will cost you a little more money, but well worth it, to have your kids birthday party in this tasteless gauche monstrosity. Kids will learn that more is more, not less. Don’t think that just because your theme is crude, garish, post-modern architecture, that you can’t go old school and hire a clown. Yes, for a little more money (a lot) Donald Trump will entertain your kids by acting like a buffoon and telling nonsensical stories about himself, that aren’t true and have no real point. Your kid will leave knowing they are a winner (for an additional fee in advance) or your money back. Well, not really.
5. Whole Foods. This one is free, if you can prove you’ve read every Saul Bellow novel, keep a picture of Sylvia Plath in your wallet taken by Diane Arbus and aren’t on social media. The kids will have fun, as a PhD student in philosophy, shows them the art of pairing every day food items together, in order to charge an exorbitant price. The kids will each get to take a turn, ridiculing a patron, because they forgot their reusable PBS tote bag. The little ones will have fun, as they try to master the art of condescension without saying a word, just by moving their eyebrows. Each kid will leave with a ‘goody bag’ filled with the ingredients to make their own gluten free kale salad.
6. 19th Century London. This theme will transport your kids back in time, to a quaint city of smog, pestilence, Jack the Ripper, brothels and the setting for many of Charles Dickens’ novels. No child labor laws here, the kids will each receive a broom and become chimney sweepers for ten hours, after which, they will receive one shilling, in which they can buy one loaf of bread with or without maggots (kids choice). In keeping with the theme, each child will get a free lemon to suck on, as to prevent scurvy and/or rickets. The kids will practice being morose and melancholy, as they are told they are going to die at a young age of “consumption.”
7. Armory. It’s the second amendment all the way, with this birthday party theme, that is sure to create a bang with the kids. Someone’s batshit crazy uncle, who believes that, “the end times are near,” will issue each child a military weapon, not available for purchase by private citizens, which he obtained illegally, and let them practice shooting targets. With one shot, the kids will watch in delight and/or horror as the target, trees, squirrels and a few appendages are obliterated. They won’t get to keep the guns, but don’t worry, no child will walk away empty handed. With the purchase of the deluxe package, each child will be given a slice of pizza, cake, and a live grenade.
Course: Principles of Trumponomics 101, Make Economics Great Again.
Instructor: Donald “Jazzy” Trump.
Office Phone: (202) 555-4212. (Sean Spicer’s home phone)
Term: Fall 2018.
Class Time: MWF 11 – 11:50 am.
Office Hours: During non-peak Twitter hours only.
Course Description: This course is an introduction to whack-assed economics, as it relates to employing concepts to help you understand the dystopian clown carnival you now live in. We will focus heavily on bankruptcy laws and how to use them to your advantage. Also, how to save money, by leaving small contractors unpaid for their work. Adam Smith’s, “Invisible Hand” will be replaced with my tiny, man-hands, which I will strangle the American economy with. In Principles of Trumponomics, students will learn non-traditional problem solving techniques, like pulling random numbers out of your ass. We will learn the importance of down-sizing your company, by firing entry-level workers. A fiscal policy known in my Human Centipede administration as, “cutting the crusts off a shit sandwich.” In this course we will discuss the benefits of getting rid of TPP, while still being down with O.P.P. Students will learn to think up insults that will alienate all of our trading partners (except Russia) and how to start an expensive trade war, that will take down the entire American economy.
Learning Objectives: LOL!
Application Objectives: Students will plot their data using a bar graph or pie chart. An actual pie is also acceptable. If an illegal immigrant steals your pie, come see me during my office hours. Feel free to use alternate facts or real facts; I won’t know the difference. Remember, it’s not about accountability, but deniability.
Prerequisites: Reaganomics, elementary school and must follow me on Twitter.
Text: The Art of the Deal.
Grading: All grading will be done by my chief economic adviser, Gary Cohn, using a rubric cube.
Academic Honesty: Each student will sign the honor code. Cheating and plagiarism are not tolerated with the exception of the following sources: Fox News, Breitbart News, Glenn Beck Program, anncoulter.com, fortune cookies and Wikipedia.
End-of-term Course Evaluations: At the end of the term, you have the opportunity to evaluate me and the quality of the course. Any evaluations that aren’t terrific, fantastic, amazing or great will result in failing the course.