Review of Jesus Wine

vine

There are some really good wines out there, but often I’m disappointed, because the body is flat and the aroma is weak. There’s one brand of wine, that I’ve never been disappointed with and that’s Jesus Wine. I’m tired of buying wine from mere mortals and leaving the bottle half-finished. Okay, I still finish the bottle anyway, but begrudgingly. If you want the best, you have to go directly to the guy, who changed water into wine and that’s why I buy exclusively from Jesus. I’ve compiled a list below of some of my favorites.

Jesus Pinot Noir This holy wine has a hint of cherry, cranberry and mint. It has a light body, just like our Lord and Savior. It’s a bold red wine, that taste like heaven itself. This wine has high acid content and soft tannins. It pairs well with chicken, pork, soft cheese, cured meats and is great by itself, for when you’re fasting. You don’t want to be the only one in your archdiocese not drinking this wine. It’s a little pricey at $44.99, but well worth it.

Jesus Chardonnay – A dry, full-bodied wine, that will leave you saying, ‘Hosanna in the highest.’ This white wine has a citrus taste, with a hint of cinnamon, butterscotch and tropical fruits. It has a smooth, velvety texture and is more perfumed, than Jesus on a night out in Nazareth. Paul wrote about this wine, in his letters to the apostles. It pairs well with lobster, shrimp, chicken and it’s great for when you’re abstaining from sex. Reasonably priced at $25.99.

Jesus Merlot – Peace be with you and with this spirit. A cheaper wine, the kind Jesus drank when it was the day before payday. It has a smooth mix of ripe plum and cassis flavors. It has medium tannins and acidity, soft finish and pairs well with steak, risotto and roasted meats. The perfect wine for when you’re finished saying the Nicene Creed and your throat is parched. Priced at only $12.99

Jesus Sauvignon Blanc – The most expensive brand of Jesus wine. He drank this wine at the last supper. The Pope keeps a few bottles in his Popemobile and one underneath his hat. This wine has a light, refreshing taste of apple and a hint of pear and black currant. It is light-bodied, has a strong aroma and pairs well with seafood, poultry and salads. You will need to say three, ‘Hail Mary’s’ and five, ‘Our Father’s’ after drinking this wine, because it is definitely a mortal sin. Priced at $85.99.

Jesus Cabernet Sauvignon – Yahweh’s full-bodied Cabernet Sauvignon, will make you have a schism in your pants. It has a spicy taste, with black cherry and a hint of black currant and baking spices. It is one of His most popular wines, with bold tannins and a long after taste. It’s just the thing you need after an Inquisition. It pairs well with lamb, beef, smoked meats and aged cheese. Priced at $35.99.

Original, revised version published in, Below the Fold Magazine. 7/1/16. 

 

Apocalypse Lame

dumpster

The year is 2018 and the Intergalactic Department of Giant Calamities, Annihilation and Fatalities, or most commonly referred by their acronym, I.D.G.A.F., lands its spacecraft, a refurbished 1988 Ford Fiesta, on what’s left of the planet Earth.

“So, their leader caused this devastation?” Alien 1 asked.

“One of their leaders, at any rate. A human named, Trump,” Alien 2 said.

They both break out into raucous laughter, because the word, “Trump” where they are from, means, “dick hat.”

“He was either their leader or someone called, ‘Starbucks Caramel Macchiato,'” Alien 2 said, picking up what was now the tenth discarded cup.

“How did it happen?”

“Apparently, he accidentally hit their nuclear button, whilst wearing a foam finger.”

“So sad. Did anyone survive the horrible destruction?”

“Just some cockroaches and a human called, ‘Gary Busey.'”

Alien 1, who literally had no words for such absurdity repeated, “So sad.” He kicked a, Time Magazine, with their man of the year on the cover, Gary Busey, holding a cockroach. “What was their world like?”

“It was like most planets; there were peaceful parts of the world and parts constantly at war. Then invariably, you get a leader like Dick Hat and the next thing you know, your planet is destroyed,” Alien 2 said.

Alien 1 remained silent, as the Earth belched out a cloud of black smog, filled with poisonous gases.

“You know, he never would have allowed us into his part of the world. He said, we are illegal and wanted to build a wall to keep us out,” Alien 2 said.

“He didn’t know, we could easily land our Ford Fiesta inside of his puny wall?”

“This leader obviously didn’t know things.”

“Should we document this as an official Article 5?” Alien 1 asked.

Article 5 is, “senseless destruction.”

“I think we should be more specific and document it as an Article 9,” Alien 2 said.

Article 9 is, “destruction by slow-witted farm animal.”

“Sounds good to me. Hey, do you want to go to the IHOP (Intergalactic House of Pancakes) in the Andromeda Galaxy? ”

“No, that place makes me bloated.”

 

 

 

 

Twenty Things to Say After Sex to Make it Awkward

animalsbed

1. Would you mind going online and filling out a brief survey?

2. I have to go to the bathroom and cry for awhile; please show yourself out.

3. {pull cellphone out} Oh, I forgot, my mom is still on hold.

4. Would you like to buy a magazine subscription?

5. I could really go for some better sex right about now.

6. What do you think I should name the baby?

7.  Do you have a minute to talk about Jesus?

8. I have to run; I’m late for my mime workshop.

9.  Do you want to see my collection of shrunken heads?

10. Is it okay to open my eyes now?

11. Feel free to touch my mole.

12. Well, there goes five minutes of my life I’ll never get back.

13. LOL!

14. {point to genitals} That is so sad.

15. Where am I?

16. Thank you for participating in my focus group.

17. I feel a burning sensation.

18. Flawless Victory!

19. You know, my stool is silky smooth.

20. Meh.

 

The President Who Knew Too Little

ovaloffice

Trump: {spinning around in his chair in the Oval Office}

Pence: {whispers to Sessions} I would have thought, he’d be tired of doing that by now.

Sessions: Sir, there is an urgent matter that needs your attention.

Trump: {stops spinning} I can’t give you my attention right now. I used up my attention span for the day, for my early morning tweet on the toilet. It was brilliant. I typed out in all caps, NO COLLUSION!

Pence: {takes off human face to reveal a giant lizard head} Whew, that gets uncomfortable after a while.

Sessions: But sir–

Trump: Don’t bother me right now Keebler.

Sessions: {whispers to Pence} He just called me Keebler.

Pence: He always calls you that, only he forgot that he is supposed to say it behind your back.

Trump: Get out of my office. I’m still mad at you for refusing yourself from the Russia investigation.

Sessions: You mean recuse.

Trump: {stares blankly} Sure.

{Sessions leaves, carrying his newly made batch of Keebler Chips Deluxe Rainbow cookies}

Trump: The press is all over me about this, that and the other. I need that blonde woman, the one whose face ages right in front of you.

Pence: You mean Kellyanne Conway.

Trump: Who? For Christ sake Mike, put your human face back on. I don’t want the press to find out, that my Vice President is a lizard.

Pence: {puts on human face} You should really get Sarah Huckabee Sanders, if you want someone to speak to the press. That’s her job.

Trump: {drools}

Pence: She’s your Press Secretary.

Trump: My Press Secretary is Sean Bean.

Pence: His last name is Spicer and he resigned months ago.

Trump: Nonsense! He’s probably hiding in a bush somewhere. Run along and find that pasty loser.

{Pence leaves}

Trump: {picks up his phone and calls Sean Hannity} Hey Sean. I can’t decide on which tie to wear to dinner tonight, my blue tie that makes me irresistible to the ladies, or my red tie that makes me irresistible to the ladies.

Hannity: Always red Mr. President. Red is the color of the Republican party. Remember the two r’s we talked about?

Trump: Oh yes, what would I do without you. You are indispensable to me. {makes kissing noises}

Hannity: Now, excuse me Mr. President; I have to work on a flow chart, that shows how Robert Mueller killed Jack Kennedy and Henry Kissinger.

Trump: I thought Henry was still alive; he was at the White House last week.

Hannity: Exactly, it’s a deep state conspiracy. Good by sir. I’ll see you Friday, for our weekly moose hunt.

Conway: {enters the Oval Office} You wanted to see me Mr. President.

Trump: Not really, but I need you to hold a press conference and tell the press, I didn’t do, whatever it is I already screwed up today.

Conway: Can you be more specific?

Trump: No, I can’t be more specific. That’s why I pay you to be specific for me.

Conway: You don’t pay me sir; I work for water and discarded pizza crusts.

Trump: Damnit Julieanne, if you want to get paid, you’ll do as I ask.

{Conway leaves and bumps into Jared Kushner, who squeaks like a mouse}

Kushner: Hi dad.

Trump: I told you to stop calling me that. I’m already over my quota for dipshit sons.

{loud crack, as door gets kicked in and Bob Muller enters}

Kushner: {faints}

Trump: The door was open already.

Muller: {stares malevolently at Trump}

Trump: {tries to stare malevolently back, but winks instead}

Muller: It’s time to end this once and for all Trump.

Trump: It is on!

Muller: It is so on! {takes out lightsaber from inside his suit jacket}

Trump: Hold on; I’m not ready. I have to get my lightsaber; it’s in a very safe place. {moves picture of George Washington, that’s covering a combination safe}

Muller: {sighs, while Trump tries to remember the combination}

Trump: {opens the safe and grabs lightsaber}

Muller: Time to die Trump, or should I call you by your Sith name, Darth Imbecilus.

Kushner: {wakes up}

Muller: {thrusts lighsaber into Kushners heart}

Jared: {screams with a pitch so high, only nearby dogs can hear it}

Mueller: I just killed your young apprentice.

Trump: He wasn’t my apprentice.

{epic battle of mediocrity occurs, ending with Muller pointing his lightsaber at Trump’s head}

Muller: Did you collude with Russia?

Trump: {starts crying} I don’t know! I don’t know what the word means.

{Muller, disgusted, strikes a death blow at Trump, but his lightsaber is blocked by a shirtless Putin}

Putin: {In Russian} I’ll wear your skin like a coat. {translation could also be, I’d like to buy your goat}

Muller: Well, if it isn’t Count Gulag. I see you’ve come to save your puppet.

Putin: {puts a force choke on Muller}

Mueller: {sends bobbleheads flying from Trump’s desk of all the presidents, toward Putin}

{A Nixon bobblehead hits Putin in the face}

Mueller: You will never triumph over the force.

Putin: {In Russian} I eat the force for breakfast.

{They exchange blows, until the Oval Office is in shambles}

Putin: {looking at Trump} Get up you ridiculous man and strike him down.

Trump: I have no idea what you are saying. This is why all immigrants, who come to this country, need to learn to speak American.

{Secret Service Agent finally enters}

Agent: What is going on here? I heard loud noises and all the neighborhood dogs are barking. I would have come sooner, but I wanted to get a burrito from the food truck, before they left the White House.

{Putin, taking advantage of the distraction, grabs Trump and exits out a window}

Mueller: {shuts off lightsaber} We’ll meet again Trump! {to agent} Do you think the food truck is still here?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Memorable Feast

dinnerparty 2

Edgar Allan Poe: {Grim Reaper is hovering around his chair, with his scythe casually dangling at his side} “Are you enjoying those peas?”

Howard Hughes: {counting his peas} “You made me lose count.”

Edgar Allan Poe: “Don’t you know you’re not supposed to play with your food?”

Howard Hughes: {looks up for the first time and remembers he is at a dinner party} “Don’t you know you’re not supposed to bring animals to the dinner table?” {points towards the raven perched on his chair}

JD Salinger: {underneath the table, wrapped in the tablecloth, with only his eyes peeking out} “I hope no one can see me.”

Raven: “Nevermore.”

Edgar Allan Poe: {drinking absinthe} “That’s the only thing he ever says.”

Ernest Hemingway: {wearing a live bear like a fur coat} “I hope we aren’t going to talk about peas and birds all night. There are far more interesting things to talk about, like I once drove an ambulance filled with bourbon, wounded soldiers and a live crocodile, through an Italian war zone.”

Henry David Thoreau: “I once spent two years in a tiny cabin in the woods, eating nothing, but bark and dandelions.”

Ernest Hemingway: {belches}

Emma Goldman: {addressing the kitchen server} “These conditions are insufferable; you’re working for slave wages. You should demand your rights and go on strike.”

Server: “Actually, I receive a fair wage and get weekends and holidays off.”

Emma Goldman: “Intolerable!”

Hunter Thompson: {pushes his plate aside and snorts a line of cocaine} “Right on sister. It’s the American dream.”

JD Salinger: {from underneath the table} “If no one can see me, maybe I’m not here.”

Ernest Hemingway: “You need to come out from underneath that table and face your fears like a man.” {the terrified bear he is wearing, nods in agreement}

{Raven flies over & lands on Howard’s plate, knocking over his peas}

Howard Hughes: {horrified, watching his peas roll across the floor} “Now look at what your daft bird has done.”

Raven: “Nevermore.”

Howard Hughes: “I would like a fresh plate of peas, sorted by circumference and weight. Don’t touch them with your hands!”

Server: {?}

Edgar Allan Poe: “Do you have anything stronger than absinthe?”

Server: “We have some kerosene out in the garage.”

Edgar Allan Poe: “Very good.”

Hunter Thompson: {taking mescaline} “My god, it’s a bat!” {fires his revolver at the raven, misses and shatters the window}

Ernest Hemingway: {slurring} “Some people can’t handle their alcohol.”

{The server leaves to arrange peas, get the kerosene from the garage and curse his life choices}

Emma Goldman: “This establishment is corrupt. No one should have to endure this kind of treatment. {yells} Anarchy!” {strikes a match and sets the tablecloth on fire}

{The Grim Reaper drops his scythe and runs out of the room}

Edgar Allan Poe: “My dear woman, please try to control your enthusiastic outbursts.” {pours his glass of absinthe on the fire and the flames shoot out}

Ernest Hemingway: {puts his steak on a fork and starts roasting it in the flame} “I like my steak well-done.”

Henry David Thoreau: {puts a croissant down his trousers & steak inside of his dinner jacket} “You never know when you might need food.”

Ernest Hemingway: “What’s for dessert?”

JD Salinger: {hands quickly raise up from underneath the tablecloth, to grab his bowl of soup}

Howard Hughes: {weeping} “My peas!”

Hunter Thompson: {opens up a briefcase filled with pills} “It’s a giant lizard. Fuck!” {fires revolver at Hemingway and hits him in the arm}

Raven: “Fuck! Nevermore. Fuck! Nevermore.”

Hunter Thompson: “I’m sorry man; I have some morphine in my briefcase. My lawyer gave it to me. I have a 300-pound Samoan attorney.”

Ernest Hemingway: “Well, it’s not like I haven’t been shot before.”

JD Salinger: “Slurp, slurp, slurp…”

Henry David Thoreau: {to Emma Goldman} Are you going to eat that madam?”

Emma Goldman: I’m not eating any of that food; it’s been poisoned by the bourgeois businessmen.”

Henry David Thoreau: {dumps entire plate inside of his dinner jacket}

{Server comes in carrying a plate of peas and a container of kerosene, sees the table on fire}

Edgar Allan Poe: {grabs kerosene, takes a swig and throws the rest of it on the fire}

{The entire room is ablaze}

Server: {sets plate of peas down} Quickly, every one evacuate!”

Howard Hughes: {grabs the plate of peas on the way out}

JD Salinger {underneath the table} “Go away! I’m not signing autographs today. Slurp.”

 

 

 

 

 

Stranger in a Strange Land

stranger

“You’re here,” I say, a bit frazzled, because I had not finished dusting my collection of  Gothic ashtrays.

“Yes, I realize I’m a bit early,” the stranger says uneasily. “I’m a little nervous; I haven’t done this in a long time.

“Well, I’ve never done this before. Do you want to do it right here on the table,” I ask, pointing to my kitchen table with a rotting fruit bowl as its center piece.

“Anywhere is fine,” he says, looking down at his feet embarrassed.

I nod and make my way to the hall closet. Immediately when I open the door, a broom falls out and the handle hits me square in the forehead with an audible, whack.  I shove the broom into the very back of the closet, so it won’t assault me the next time I open it. A lone Members Only Jacket is hanging up, just hoping and waiting for the day, that epaulets are in vogue again. My eyes scan the contents on the shelf. I see the box that I want underneath an old blanket. As I make my way back to the table, with the box in hand, I hear my tea kettle singing.

“I hope you don’t mind, but I was going to make myself a cup of tea.”

“I’ll have one as well.” I sit the box on the table and empty the contents of the fruit bowel, where I notice several fruit flies had died.

The stranger adds a little milk to his tea. The milk was already expired by at least three days; I had forgotten to dump it out. I debate on whether I should tell him or not. I finally decide that I will not.

Mom always said to check the date on the milk. She probably meant before you buy it though, not if you’re at a random stranger’s house.  

I pour my tea and politely refuse the three-day old milk, when the stranger offers it. Instead, I open my cookie jar and take out a flask containing whiskey and pour a little into my cup.  I don’t like how the stranger is judging me with his eyes.

“I have a cold,” I say sheepishly and judging from the size of the flask, it looks like I was planning on having a cold for the remainder of the year.

He sips his tea and either doesn’t notice the taste of sour milk, or is too polite to say anything.

We sit down, both of us staring at the box on the table.

“Are you sure you want to do this,” the stranger asks.

I take a sip of tea; I put too much whiskey in and it was burning my chest. “Yep,” I squeak out.

The Stranger opens up the Candy Land box and begins to set up the board. I pick up the cards to shuffle them, because they had not been shuffled, since the last time I played.

“What color gingerbread do you want,” I ask.

“Red. I always play with the red one.”

I hand him the red gingerbread person (sex of gingerbread undetermined) and he places it on the board at the starting point.

I like to play with the green gingerbread. Its stand is broken, so I just lay my gingerbread along side his. “You can go first.”

He draws a card and immediately advances forward with a double blue.

I pick up his discarded card and look at it.

“Hey,” he yells and points an indignant finger at me. “I don’t cheat.”

“I’m sorry,” I say. It was obvious I had really hurt his feelings. “There’s just so much riding on this game and I just assumed…”

“So, you thought I would cheat? That takes all the fun out of it.”

“I really am sorry; I just thought it was kind of…you know…your modus operandi.”

He snorts at that. “Your turn.”

I pick up a card and move one red square, which is the square right next to the start. I had advanced one square and the stranger was already halfway to glory.

He picks up a card and advances with a double yellow. When he lands, he is on the gum drop pass, which is a short cut. The stranger slowly slides his gingerbread along the pass, all without breaking eye contact with me.

I hope I get something good. I’d like to wipe that smug look off his face.

The next card is a double orange and just when I think I’m gaining on him, I land right on an orange square with a picture of  licorice on it, which means I lose a turn. “Goddamn licorice,” I yell, realizing I may just be the only person to have ever spoken those words.

The stranger selects his card. He gets only one blue this time and then draws another one, since I lost my turn. He searches the board looking for something. When he sets his gingerbread down, I can see, that he is very near the finish line already. He shows me the card, so that I don’t accuse him of cheating a second time. It is a picture of Queen Frostine.

“Bitch!

The stranger is unsure if I meant him, or the fictitious queen of a 3 years and up children’s game.

I draw a card and pick up my gingerbread, who is lying face down in the licorice and move it a double yellow. I’m still way behind the stranger though.

“Hell yes,” he says, as he draws his card. His final card. He has a double orange, which puts him exactly on the finish line.

I panic. “It isn’t fair; I wasn’t ready.”

The stranger rises from his chair and puts on a beanie, that has a pom on the end of it.

“I still got it,” he says, walking out the door and out of my life, but not out for good. He’d be back one day to collect his winnings.

I sit in my chair stunned at what had just occurred. I take a sip of my whiskey tea; I didn’t mind the burning this time. I guess I’d better get used to the burning, because after all, I had just lost my soul to the devil.

 

 

 

 

 

Buckley vs Vidal: The 11th Debate

buckleyvidal2

In 1968, ABC, the generic cereal of news organizations, (the set literally collapsed during the RNC) decided to host ten debates during the Democratic and Republican conventions. They chose two people from opposite sides of the political spectrum, to debate one another. William F. Buckley, a conservative, had his own show called, Firing Line, which was like Carlson Tucker’s show, only smugger. Gore Vidal, a liberal, and Carry Grant look alike, was a writer and playwright. The moderator of the debate, was Howard K Smith, an ABC political commentator. The debaters detested one another and the debates got really heated. The two men were polar opposites and the only thing they had in common, was that they were both elitists. Most people don’t know, there was actually an eleventh debate, which they decided not to air. Below is a complete transcript.

Smith: Good evening, we are here tonight for our eleventh and final debate, between Mr. William Buckley and Mr. Gore Vidal. Now gentlemen, it got a little too heated on our last debate and resulted in some hate speech, with the words, ‘crypto-Nazi’ and ‘queer,’ being used. Let’s try and keep it civil and stick to the issues. I mean, no one is watching, but still, it’s a family network.

Buckley: {holds pinky up} Of course Howard, and I’d like to explicate on what I was saying in the last debate about Vietnam. I wasn’t finished using my extensive vocabulary.

Smith: Our time is limited, because we have to show commercials advertising household products, in a misogynist  manner that condescends women. So, let’s get to the issues. Mr. Vidal, I will start with you. People wonder if you are a communist, because of your ideological beliefs. Can you answer that charge once and for all?

Vidal: {holds pinky up higher than Buckley} Yes, but first I’d like to insult Mr. Buckley in a defunct patrician accent.

Smith: Again, our time is limited and we have a lot of ground to cover.

Vidal: To answer your question, I am not a communist. I agree with many of its tenants, especially with Karl Marx, who defined communism as, ‘the doctrine of the conditions of the liberation of the proletariat.’

Smith: So, you are a champion of the working class?

Vidal: Yes, the working class are the pillar that hold up society and please stop making direct eye contact with me.

Buckley: Pay no attention to him Mr. Smith, he’s an elitist, who scoffs at a hard days work. He has never done a hard days work in his life. You do need to advert your eyes though.

Smith: {looks down}

Buckley: You need to bow your head a little lower. Maybe just turn your chair and face the wall.

Smith: {turns chair around} Mr. Buckley, do you think religion should have any place in politics?

Buckley: As you know, I’m a member of the Knight’s of Columbus. We go around taking any remaining lands, still owned by Native Americans. Also, we have the occasional fish fry.

Vidal: [snickers] What balderdash!

Buckley: Mr. Vidal interrupted me and I wasn’t finished enunciating. Dear God man, look at me when I am speaking to you.

Smith: {Turning his chair back around} Gentleman please, we don’t have a lot of time and the people want to hear the issues. Also, this set may collapse again at any moment. We are on a shoestring budget and we will have to pay you both with a roll of quarters and a vat of Bactine Medicated Skin Cream. Mr Vidal, do you think if Nixon becomes President, that he will get us out of the war in Vietnam?

Vidal: Mr. Nixon’s stance on Vietnam is vague and unclear. He, however, is a hawk, so one would doubt it. What is clear though, is that Mr. Buckley is a conservative philistine with no humane qualities.

Buckley: You are a depraved liberal degenerate!

Vidal: You sir are a conservative villian!

Smith: Gentlemen please!

Buckley: Why don’t you go expatriate yourself.

Vidal: I am not an expatriate; I just choose to live in Italy, to be far away from you and your banal views. {mumbles} crypto-Nazi.

Buckley: {rises angrily} I heard that. {picks up his chair and swings it at Vidal. It misses and hits Howard on the head knocking him unconscious}

Buckley: I am leaving; I can not debate a man with no morals and whose prose is obscene.

Vidal: {nudges the unconscious Smith} Do I still get my facial cream?

{Cameraman cuts to a cigarette commercial, where a whole family is smoking a pack of Pall Mall’s at the dinner table}

Training video: How to insult your opponent in a debate with class.