The Law of Diminishing Integrity

Lawyer Hello Name Tag Attorney Lawsuit Justice

Attorney-client privilege is so 2017. Michael Cohen recorded a conversation with his “client,” Donald Trump, regarding the payoff of an affair with a playboy playmate model. It has the sound quality of a 1978 sex ed film, played on a broken film projector, but it does expose the lies told during the Trump campaign. There are many more of these types of recordings and below is a complete (not yet heard by the public) transcript.

Trump: Are you recording me?

Cohen: What kind of scumbag lawyer would do that?

Trump: The kind I hire.

Cohen: Why would I need to record a conversation about a payoff? It’s not like I might have to turn it over to a special prosecutor one day, in order to save my ass from jail.

Trump: Uh huh.

Cohen: Listen, I’ve had a brilliant idea. I’m going to set up a shell corporation in order to make a hush money payment.

Trump: Who are we hushing up this time?

Cohen: Let me just check my files. I’ve filed them all alphabetically and we have worked our way down to the letter ‘K.’ It looks like her name is Kandy Kane.

Trump: I don’t know anyone called Kandy Kane.

Cohen: That’s just her stage name.

Trump: Whatever. Make sure you pay in cash though.

Cohen: No, no. You don’t want to pay in cash.

Trump: Jesus Mike! Where did you get your law degree, the University of Online?

Cohen: Yes.

Trump: Well, you can’t write a check.

Cohen: That’s why we are creating the shell corporation. I’m calling it Kandy Kane Kover-Up LLC.

Trump: Noice!

Cohen: I’ll just need you to get $50,000 for me.

Trump: Say what?

Cohen: You need to provide money to the LLC, so that I can make the hush payment.

Trump: I don’t have any money! I’ve been bankrupt five times! Why don’t you pay it; you’re a (says the word barely above a whisper) Jew.

Cohen: Did you just use a horribly insensitive antisemitic stereotype, perpetuated by years of being restricted by Christians, to the profession of moneylending?

Trump: I have no idea what you just said, but I am not a racist. Oh, remind me to prepare my speech later on building a wall to keep out Mexican rapists and criminals.

Cohen: You’re definitely going to win this presidential race.

Trump: You think so?

Cohen: Yes, just keep denying all the facts and you’ll be fine. People love a tough idiot.

Trump: Do they really?

Cohen: Yes, remember George W. Bush.

Trump: Er??

Cohen: He was the 43rd president.

Trump: Um?

Cohen: He was the son of George H. Bush.

Trump: {audibly drools}

Cohen: He was the cowboy hat President before Obama.

Trump: Oh yeah. Now get out there Mike. I’m not paying you to just sit around. I’m paying you to blur all moral and ethical lines.

{The last few minutes are crunching noises. Mike is eating a can of cheddar cheese Pringles}

 

 

 

 

The Customer is Always Right

Customer

Customer: I’d like to get a refund on this DVD.

Store Clerk: {looks over DVD case} You bought the Purge? What’s wrong with it, other than unnecessary violence, acting, cinematography and basic plot structure?

Customer: It’s scratched.

Store Clerk: {Opens up DVD case} This a Baywatch DVD.

Customer: What’s the difference?

Store Clerk: I see your point. Do you have a receipt?

Customer: I have it right here. {hands clerk the receipt}

Store Clerk: This is a Borders receipt from 2008. I can’t even read what you bought, because the receipt is so worn.

Customer: It’s still a receipt.

Store Clerk: I can tell nothing from this, other than you probably paid twice as much 10 years ago, for whatever this was, than what you would now.

Customer: I’d like to speak to the manager.

Store Clerk: He’s in the breakroom, crying into a bologna sandwich.

Customer: Haven’t you ever heard that the customer is always right?

Store Clerk: Haven’t you ever heard of Redbox, Netflix, Amazon, the internet … cable theft?

Customer: I’ll wait for the manager, because the customer is always right.

Store Clerk: {points to John Mayer t-shirt} Clearly not always.

{Manager comes out from the breakroom. His eyes are bloodshot and he is hungover}

Customer: Are you the manager?

Manager: {pauses to consider this} Yes, I was promoted. Our other manager died; he choked to death on a hot pocket.

Customer: How long have you worked here?

Manager: Long enough. I’ve seen things, things you people wouldn’t believe. Attack ships on fire, off the shoulder of Orion. I watched c-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in the rain.

Customer: Isn’t that from Blade Runner?

Manager: How can I help you?

{Store clerk is staring at the clock and wishing for death}

Customer: I’d like a refund on this DVD. Here is my receipt.

Manager: {barely glances at receipt} Jeff, give this customer a refund.

Store Clerk: I’m Jeremy. I don’t even know how much to give him.

{Manager vomits into a trashcan}

Store Clerk: {gives customer $10}

Customer: This is the last time I shop at this place.

Manager: {lifts head up from trashcan} Thank you for shopping at Obsolete Electronics, where all of our merchandise is obsolete and pointless.

Store Clerk: Can I take my break now?

Manager: Sure. Just don’t use the microwave. I heated up the last of that managers hot pockets and it exploded all over the microwave.

 

 

 

Review of Jesus Wine

vine

There are some really good wines out there, but often I’m disappointed, because the body is flat and the aroma is weak. There’s one brand of wine, that I’ve never been disappointed with and that’s Jesus Wine. I’m tired of buying wine from mere mortals and leaving the bottle half-finished. Okay, I still finish the bottle anyway, but begrudgingly. If you want the best, you have to go directly to the guy, who changed water into wine and that’s why I buy exclusively from Jesus. I’ve compiled a list below of some of my favorites.

Jesus Pinot Noir This holy wine has a hint of cherry, cranberry and mint. It has a light body, just like our Lord and Savior. It’s a bold red wine, that taste like heaven itself. This wine has high acid content and soft tannins. It pairs well with chicken, pork, soft cheese, cured meats and is great by itself, for when you’re fasting. You don’t want to be the only one in your archdiocese not drinking this wine. It’s a little pricey at $44.99, but well worth it.

Jesus Chardonnay – A dry, full-bodied wine, that will leave you saying, ‘Hosanna in the highest.’ This white wine has a citrus taste, with a hint of cinnamon, butterscotch and tropical fruits. It has a smooth, velvety texture and is more perfumed, than Jesus on a night out in Nazareth. Paul wrote about this wine, in his letters to the apostles. It pairs well with lobster, shrimp, chicken and it’s great for when you’re abstaining from sex. Reasonably priced at $25.99.

Jesus Merlot – Peace be with you and with this spirit. A cheaper wine, the kind Jesus drank when it was the day before payday. It has a smooth mix of ripe plum and cassis flavors. It has medium tannins and acidity, soft finish and pairs well with steak, risotto and roasted meats. The perfect wine for when you’re finished saying the Nicene Creed and your throat is parched. Priced at only $12.99

Jesus Sauvignon Blanc – The most expensive brand of Jesus wine. He drank this wine at the last supper. The Pope keeps a few bottles in his Popemobile and one underneath his hat. This wine has a light, refreshing taste of apple and a hint of pear and black currant. It is light-bodied, has a strong aroma and pairs well with seafood, poultry and salads. You will need to say three, ‘Hail Mary’s’ and five, ‘Our Father’s’ after drinking this wine, because it is definitely a mortal sin. Priced at $85.99.

Jesus Cabernet Sauvignon – Yahweh’s full-bodied Cabernet Sauvignon, will make you have a schism in your pants. It has a spicy taste, with black cherry and a hint of black currant and baking spices. It is one of His most popular wines, with bold tannins and a long after taste. It’s just the thing you need after an Inquisition. It pairs well with lamb, beef, smoked meats and aged cheese. Priced at $35.99.

Original, revised version published in, Below the Fold Magazine. 7/1/16. 

 

Apocalypse Lame

dumpster

The year is 2018 and the Intergalactic Department of Giant Calamities, Annihilation and Fatalities, or most commonly referred by their acronym, I.D.G.A.F., lands its spacecraft, a refurbished 1988 Ford Fiesta, on what’s left of the planet Earth.

“So, their leader caused this devastation?” Alien 1 asked.

“One of their leaders, at any rate. A human named, Trump,” Alien 2 said.

They both break out into raucous laughter, because the word, “Trump” where they are from, means, “dick hat.”

“He was either their leader or someone called, ‘Starbucks Caramel Macchiato,'” Alien 2 said, picking up what was now the tenth discarded cup.

“How did it happen?”

“Apparently, he accidentally hit their nuclear button, whilst wearing a foam finger.”

“So sad. Did anyone survive the horrible destruction?”

“Just some cockroaches and a human called, ‘Gary Busey.'”

Alien 1, who literally had no words for such absurdity repeated, “So sad.” He kicked a, Time Magazine, with their man of the year on the cover, Gary Busey, holding a cockroach. “What was their world like?”

“It was like most planets; there were peaceful parts of the world and parts constantly at war. Then invariably, you get a leader like Dick Hat and the next thing you know, your planet is destroyed,” Alien 2 said.

Alien 1 remained silent, as the Earth belched out a cloud of black smog, filled with poisonous gases.

“You know, he never would have allowed us into his part of the world. He said, we are illegal and wanted to build a wall to keep us out,” Alien 2 said.

“He didn’t know, we could easily land our Ford Fiesta inside of his puny wall?”

“This leader obviously didn’t know things.”

“Should we document this as an official Article 5?” Alien 1 asked.

Article 5 is, “senseless destruction.”

“I think we should be more specific and document it as an Article 9,” Alien 2 said.

Article 9 is, “destruction by slow-witted farm animal.”

“Sounds good to me. Hey, do you want to go to the IHOP (Intergalactic House of Pancakes) in the Andromeda Galaxy? ”

“No, that place makes me bloated.”

 

 

 

 

Twenty Things to Say After Sex to Make it Awkward

animalsbed

1. Would you mind going online and filling out a brief survey?

2. I have to go to the bathroom and cry for awhile; please show yourself out.

3. {pull cellphone out} Oh, I forgot, my mom is still on hold.

4. Would you like to buy a magazine subscription?

5. I could really go for some better sex right about now.

6. What do you think I should name the baby?

7.  Do you have a minute to talk about Jesus?

8. I have to run; I’m late for my mime workshop.

9.  Do you want to see my collection of shrunken heads?

10. Is it okay to open my eyes now?

11. Feel free to touch my mole.

12. Well, there goes five minutes of my life I’ll never get back.

13. LOL!

14. {point to genitals} That is so sad.

15. Where am I?

16. Thank you for participating in my focus group.

17. I feel a burning sensation.

18. Flawless Victory!

19. You know, my stool is silky smooth.

20. Meh.

 

The President Who Knew Too Little

ovaloffice

Trump: {spinning around in his chair in the Oval Office}

Pence: {whispers to Sessions} I would have thought, he’d be tired of doing that by now.

Sessions: Sir, there is an urgent matter that needs your attention.

Trump: {stops spinning} I can’t give you my attention right now. I used up my attention span for the day, for my early morning tweet on the toilet. It was brilliant. I typed out in all caps, NO COLLUSION!

Pence: {takes off human face to reveal a giant lizard head} Whew, that gets uncomfortable after a while.

Sessions: But sir–

Trump: Don’t bother me right now Keebler.

Sessions: {whispers to Pence} He just called me Keebler.

Pence: He always calls you that, only he forgot that he is supposed to say it behind your back.

Trump: Get out of my office. I’m still mad at you for refusing yourself from the Russia investigation.

Sessions: You mean recuse.

Trump: {stares blankly} Sure.

{Sessions leaves, carrying his newly made batch of Keebler Chips Deluxe Rainbow cookies}

Trump: The press is all over me about this, that and the other. I need that blonde woman, the one whose face ages right in front of you.

Pence: You mean Kellyanne Conway.

Trump: Who? For Christ sake Mike, put your human face back on. I don’t want the press to find out, that my Vice President is a lizard.

Pence: {puts on human face} You should really get Sarah Huckabee Sanders, if you want someone to speak to the press. That’s her job.

Trump: {drools}

Pence: She’s your Press Secretary.

Trump: My Press Secretary is Sean Bean.

Pence: His last name is Spicer and he resigned months ago.

Trump: Nonsense! He’s probably hiding in a bush somewhere. Run along and find that pasty loser.

{Pence leaves}

Trump: {picks up his phone and calls Sean Hannity} Hey Sean. I can’t decide on which tie to wear to dinner tonight, my blue tie that makes me irresistible to the ladies, or my red tie that makes me irresistible to the ladies.

Hannity: Always red Mr. President. Red is the color of the Republican party. Remember the two r’s we talked about?

Trump: Oh yes, what would I do without you. You are indispensable to me. {makes kissing noises}

Hannity: Now, excuse me Mr. President; I have to work on a flow chart, that shows how Robert Mueller killed Jack Kennedy and Henry Kissinger.

Trump: I thought Henry was still alive; he was at the White House last week.

Hannity: Exactly, it’s a deep state conspiracy. Good by sir. I’ll see you Friday, for our weekly moose hunt.

Conway: {enters the Oval Office} You wanted to see me Mr. President.

Trump: Not really, but I need you to hold a press conference and tell the press, I didn’t do, whatever it is I already screwed up today.

Conway: Can you be more specific?

Trump: No, I can’t be more specific. That’s why I pay you to be specific for me.

Conway: You don’t pay me sir; I work for water and discarded pizza crusts.

Trump: Damnit Julieanne, if you want to get paid, you’ll do as I ask.

{Conway leaves and bumps into Jared Kushner, who squeaks like a mouse}

Kushner: Hi dad.

Trump: I told you to stop calling me that. I’m already over my quota for dipshit sons.

{loud crack, as door gets kicked in and Bob Muller enters}

Kushner: {faints}

Trump: The door was open already.

Muller: {stares malevolently at Trump}

Trump: {tries to stare malevolently back, but winks instead}

Muller: It’s time to end this once and for all Trump.

Trump: It is on!

Muller: It is so on! {takes out lightsaber from inside his suit jacket}

Trump: Hold on; I’m not ready. I have to get my lightsaber; it’s in a very safe place. {moves picture of George Washington, that’s covering a combination safe}

Muller: {sighs, while Trump tries to remember the combination}

Trump: {opens the safe and grabs lightsaber}

Muller: Time to die Trump, or should I call you by your Sith name, Darth Imbecilus.

Kushner: {wakes up}

Muller: {thrusts lighsaber into Kushners heart}

Jared: {screams with a pitch so high, only nearby dogs can hear it}

Mueller: I just killed your young apprentice.

Trump: He wasn’t my apprentice.

{epic battle of mediocrity occurs, ending with Muller pointing his lightsaber at Trump’s head}

Muller: Did you collude with Russia?

Trump: {starts crying} I don’t know! I don’t know what the word means.

{Muller, disgusted, strikes a death blow at Trump, but his lightsaber is blocked by a shirtless Putin}

Putin: {In Russian} I’ll wear your skin like a coat. {translation could also be, I’d like to buy your goat}

Muller: Well, if it isn’t Count Gulag. I see you’ve come to save your puppet.

Putin: {puts a force choke on Muller}

Mueller: {sends bobbleheads flying from Trump’s desk of all the presidents, toward Putin}

{A Nixon bobblehead hits Putin in the face}

Mueller: You will never triumph over the force.

Putin: {In Russian} I eat the force for breakfast.

{They exchange blows, until the Oval Office is in shambles}

Putin: {looking at Trump} Get up you ridiculous man and strike him down.

Trump: I have no idea what you are saying. This is why all immigrants, who come to this country, need to learn to speak American.

{Secret Service Agent finally enters}

Agent: What is going on here? I heard loud noises and all the neighborhood dogs are barking. I would have come sooner, but I wanted to get a burrito from the food truck, before they left the White House.

{Putin, taking advantage of the distraction, grabs Trump and exits out a window}

Mueller: {shuts off lightsaber} We’ll meet again Trump! {to agent} Do you think the food truck is still here?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Memorable Feast

dinnerparty 2

Edgar Allan Poe: {Grim Reaper is hovering around his chair, with his scythe casually dangling at his side} “Are you enjoying those peas?”

Howard Hughes: {counting his peas} “You made me lose count.”

Edgar Allan Poe: “Don’t you know you’re not supposed to play with your food?”

Howard Hughes: {looks up for the first time and remembers he is at a dinner party} “Don’t you know you’re not supposed to bring animals to the dinner table?” {points towards the raven perched on his chair}

JD Salinger: {underneath the table, wrapped in the tablecloth, with only his eyes peeking out} “I hope no one can see me.”

Raven: “Nevermore.”

Edgar Allan Poe: {drinking absinthe} “That’s the only thing he ever says.”

Ernest Hemingway: {wearing a live bear like a fur coat} “I hope we aren’t going to talk about peas and birds all night. There are far more interesting things to talk about, like I once drove an ambulance filled with bourbon, wounded soldiers and a live crocodile, through an Italian war zone.”

Henry David Thoreau: “I once spent two years in a tiny cabin in the woods, eating nothing, but bark and dandelions.”

Ernest Hemingway: {belches}

Emma Goldman: {addressing the kitchen server} “These conditions are insufferable; you’re working for slave wages. You should demand your rights and go on strike.”

Server: “Actually, I receive a fair wage and get weekends and holidays off.”

Emma Goldman: “Intolerable!”

Hunter Thompson: {pushes his plate aside and snorts a line of cocaine} “Right on sister. It’s the American dream.”

JD Salinger: {from underneath the table} “If no one can see me, maybe I’m not here.”

Ernest Hemingway: “You need to come out from underneath that table and face your fears like a man.” {the terrified bear he is wearing, nods in agreement}

{Raven flies over & lands on Howard’s plate, knocking over his peas}

Howard Hughes: {horrified, watching his peas roll across the floor} “Now look at what your daft bird has done.”

Raven: “Nevermore.”

Howard Hughes: “I would like a fresh plate of peas, sorted by circumference and weight. Don’t touch them with your hands!”

Server: {?}

Edgar Allan Poe: “Do you have anything stronger than absinthe?”

Server: “We have some kerosene out in the garage.”

Edgar Allan Poe: “Very good.”

Hunter Thompson: {taking mescaline} “My god, it’s a bat!” {fires his revolver at the raven, misses and shatters the window}

Ernest Hemingway: {slurring} “Some people can’t handle their alcohol.”

{The server leaves to arrange peas, get the kerosene from the garage and curse his life choices}

Emma Goldman: “This establishment is corrupt. No one should have to endure this kind of treatment. {yells} Anarchy!” {strikes a match and sets the tablecloth on fire}

{The Grim Reaper drops his scythe and runs out of the room}

Edgar Allan Poe: “My dear woman, please try to control your enthusiastic outbursts.” {pours his glass of absinthe on the fire and the flames shoot out}

Ernest Hemingway: {puts his steak on a fork and starts roasting it in the flame} “I like my steak well-done.”

Henry David Thoreau: {puts a croissant down his trousers & steak inside of his dinner jacket} “You never know when you might need food.”

Ernest Hemingway: “What’s for dessert?”

JD Salinger: {hands quickly raise up from underneath the tablecloth, to grab his bowl of soup}

Howard Hughes: {weeping} “My peas!”

Hunter Thompson: {opens up a briefcase filled with pills} “It’s a giant lizard. Fuck!” {fires revolver at Hemingway and hits him in the arm}

Raven: “Fuck! Nevermore. Fuck! Nevermore.”

Hunter Thompson: “I’m sorry man; I have some morphine in my briefcase. My lawyer gave it to me. I have a 300-pound Samoan attorney.”

Ernest Hemingway: “Well, it’s not like I haven’t been shot before.”

JD Salinger: “Slurp, slurp, slurp…”

Henry David Thoreau: {to Emma Goldman} Are you going to eat that madam?”

Emma Goldman: I’m not eating any of that food; it’s been poisoned by the bourgeois businessmen.”

Henry David Thoreau: {dumps entire plate inside of his dinner jacket}

{Server comes in carrying a plate of peas and a container of kerosene, sees the table on fire}

Edgar Allan Poe: {grabs kerosene, takes a swig and throws the rest of it on the fire}

{The entire room is ablaze}

Server: {sets plate of peas down} Quickly, every one evacuate!”

Howard Hughes: {grabs the plate of peas on the way out}

JD Salinger {underneath the table} “Go away! I’m not signing autographs today. Slurp.”