THE MORDANT SCRIBE

Cynical musings of an absurd mind.

We Gon’ Party Like It’s Yo Birthday: Seven Unique Birthday Party Ideas For Your Kids.

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Kids birthday parties are getting more and more extreme, with parents trying to come up with a birthday party theme that has never been done before and where money is no object. Gone are the days, where your mom bakes your birthday cake, invites a few of your friends over, you play some lame-ass games of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and all the parents adjourn to the living room to get drunk on martinis. So, here are seven birthday party ideas for your kid, that are sure to be remembered in their therapy sessions.

1. Morgue. What better way to literally let your kid know your dreams are dead, than to surround them with corpses. A mortician will show them how to fix a loved ones’ hair horribly and put them in the dress selected by a relative, that they hated, which is why it was hanging in the back of the closet, so they can wear it for all eternity. Kids will each get their own corpse and a set of paints and paint brushes, so they can design their own face, because creativity never dies.

2. Crack House. Be the talk of the town, by having your kids party in a dilapidated house with broken needles all over the floor. Kids will learn that chemistry is cool, as a junkie, who used to be a banker, shows them the different ways to process and smoke crack. The kids will know just what to do, in the event that someone over doses, by riding along with a junkie, as they drive up to the emergency room entrance, drop the dying person off in front and quickly drive away. You might end up going to jail for a while, but trust me; it will have been well worth it.

3. Improv Class. Your kids will quickly learn how to cry on demand, as the acting instructor, a 70 year old woman, who performed in some obscure plays in the 1950’s, with a cigarette dangling from her lips, yells in a Polish accent, “More emotion! Your acting is garbage!” The kids will get to spend some time pretending to be animals and inanimate objects, but mostly listening to a thirty minute lecture on how the death of Elia Kazan was the death of method acting and how she once seduced Lee Strasberg. The kids will leave with their self-esteem destroyed guaranteed or your money back.

4. Trump Tower. This one will cost you a little more money, but well worth it, to have your kids birthday party in this tasteless gauche monstrosity. Kids will learn that more is more, not less. Don’t think that just because your theme is crude, garish, post-modern architecture, that you can’t go old school and hire a clown. Yes, for a little more money (a lot) Donald Trump will entertain your kids by acting like a buffoon and telling nonsensical stories about himself, that aren’t true and have no real point. Your kid will leave knowing they are a winner (for an additional fee in advance) or your money back. Well, not really.

5. Whole Foods. This one is free, if you can prove you’ve read every Saul Bellow novel, keep a picture of Sylvia Plath in your wallet taken by Diane Arbus and aren’t on social media. The kids will have fun, as a PhD student in philosophy, shows them the art of pairing every day food items together, in order to charge an exorbitant price. The kids will each get to take a turn, ridiculing a patron, because they forgot their reusable PBS tote bag. The little ones will have fun, as they try to master the art of condescension without saying a word, just by moving their eyebrows. Each kid will leave with a ‘goody bag’ filled with the ingredients to make their own gluten free kale salad.

6. 19th Century London. This theme will transport your kids back in time, to a quaint city of smog, pestilence, Jack the Ripper, brothels and the setting for many of Charles Dickens’ novels. No child labor laws here, the kids will each receive a broom and become chimney sweepers for ten hours, after which, they will receive one shilling, in which they can buy one loaf of bread with or without maggots (kids choice). In keeping with the theme, each child will get a free lemon to suck on, as to prevent scurvy and/or rickets. The kids will practice being morose and melancholy, as they are told they are going to die at a young age of “consumption.”

7. Armory. It’s the second amendment all the way, with this birthday party theme, that is sure to create a bang with the kids. Someone’s batshit crazy uncle, who believes that, “the end times are near,” will issue each child a military weapon, not available for purchase by private citizens, which he obtained illegally, and let them practice shooting targets. With one shot, the kids will watch in delight and/or horror as the target, trees, squirrels and a few appendages are obliterated. They won’t get to keep the guns, but don’t worry, no child will walk away empty handed. With the purchase of the deluxe package, each child will be given a slice of pizza, cake, and a live grenade.

We Don’t Need No Education: Principles of Trumponomics 101 Syllabus

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Course:  Principles of Trumponomics 101, Make Economics Great Again.

Instructor:  Donald “Jazzy” Trump.

Office Phone:  (202) 555-4212. (Sean Spicer’s home phone)

Term:  Fall 2018.

Class Time:  MWF 11 – 11:50 am.

Office Hours:  During non-peak Twitter hours only.

Course Description:  This course is an introduction to whack-assed economics, as it relates to employing concepts to help you understand the dystopian clown carnival you now live in. We will focus heavily on bankruptcy laws and how to use them to your advantage. Also, how to save money, by leaving small contractors unpaid for their work. Adam Smith’s, “Invisible Hand” will be replaced with my tiny, man-hands, which I will strangle the American economy with. In Principles of Trumponomics, students will learn non-traditional problem solving techniques, like pulling random numbers out of your ass. We will learn the importance of down-sizing your company, by firing entry-level workers. A fiscal policy known in my Human Centipede administration as, “cutting the crusts off a shit sandwich.” In this course we will discuss the benefits of getting rid of TPP, while still being down with O.P.P. Students will learn to think up insults that will alienate all of our trading partners (except Russia) and how to start an expensive trade war, that will take down the entire American economy.

Learning Objectives:  LOL!

Application Objectives:  Students will plot their data using a bar graph or pie chart. An actual pie is also acceptable. If an illegal immigrant steals your pie, come see me during my office hours. Feel free to use alternate facts or real facts; I won’t know the difference. Remember, it’s not about accountability, but deniability.

Prerequisites:  Reaganomics, elementary school and must follow me on Twitter.

Text:  The Art of the Deal.

Grading:  All grading will be done by my chief economic adviser, Gary Cohn, using a rubric cube.

Academic Honesty:  Each student will sign the honor code. Cheating and plagiarism are not tolerated with the exception of the following sources:  Fox News, Breitbart News, Glenn Beck Program, anncoulter.com, fortune cookies and Wikipedia.

End-of-term Course Evaluations:  At the end of the term, you have the opportunity to evaluate me and the quality of the course. Any evaluations that aren’t terrific, fantastic, amazing or great will result in failing the course.

CabinetMatch.com Let Trump Find a Match For You.

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GOP Daddy

My name is Rick Perry and I’m a Virgin…I mean Virgo. I’ve been selected for Energy Secretary; I used to want to eliminate the Department of Energy, but I’ve evolved on light bulbs. I’m just looking for that special someone, who doesn’t see illiteracy as a hindrance. I’m from the great state of Texas and I enjoy drilling for oil and fondling guns. I believe evolution is a theory, just like gravity and abstinence works…at least that’s what my wife tells me. My favorite things are God, guns, the death penalty and serving up a big heaping plate of freedom. I believe every problem can be fixed by either God or duct tape. I might be dumber than a bag of dicks on Sunday, but I got dolla, dolla bills y’all!

stevebannon

Reich4U

My name is Steve Bannon (no I am not Glenn Beck). I’m Trump’s Chief Strategist and let me tell you why I am right for you. I’m on the extreme fringe, part of the alternative right, like alternative music except we suck. I enjoy long walks on the beach, polishing my Hitler Youth knife and I am just looking for that special someone, who wants to cuddle up by the fireplace and read Mein Kampf together and get matching swastika tattoos. I will be the man behind the curtain pulling the strings of our ass-hat President. Trump is my bitch. I hate gays, feminism, Jews, minorities, multiculturalism and orgasms. I don’t get drunk and text Rush Limbaugh in the middle of the night, asking why he doesn’t love me anymore; I’m ready to start a new relationship. I’ve been endorsed by the KKK, so come on board and join the fourth Reich white people, cuz me love you long time.

andrew-puzder

MrThickburger_69

I’m Andrew Puzder and the nominee for Secretary of Labor. I promise not to fuck the American worker, because I have a small penis as indicated by my profile pic. As CEO of Hardees and Carl’s Jr and head of the very agency that uncovered wage theft of my own workers; I am the perfect choice. I don’t believe in raising the minimum wage, overtime pay or breaks. Pee on your own time! I have that crocheted on a pillow at home. In my free time, I like reading Ayn Rand and wishing someone would hug me. Please, anyone. If you’re yearning to bring back a 1950’s work era of sexual harassment, wage disparity, low pay and racial discrimination, then we are soulmates. No more occupational and safety standards. OSHA can safeguard deez nuts.

betsy-devos

Hot4Teacher

I’m Betsy DeVos, the nominee for Secretary of Education. I love me some education. Just because I’ve made millions of dollars of contributions to Republicans over the years and know nothing about public school education, doesn’t mean I’m unqualified. I’ve spent my life trying to privatize education and support school voucher programs. My motto is, no public dollars for public schools. F that noise!  The Individuals with Disabilities Education Act, was made up by the liberal media in order to make me look stupid at my hearing. In my free time, I enjoy spending money,  opposing same sex marriage and advancing God’s kingdom of rich white people. I’m looking for a partner, who believes in Intelligent Design, but not intelligence. I think all children should be armed in school to ward off bear attacks. Leonardo DiCaprio would not have been sexually assaulted by that bear if he had been carrying a gun. Let me be your Secretary of Education; we will sip champagne and sit back and leave every decision to the states. Could someone proof read this for me.

bencarson

URSleepySurgeon123

I’m retired neurosurgeon, former Republican presidential candidate and your nominee for Secretary of Housing and Urban Development.  I will fall asleep on you while we are making love, but I will never neglect my duties on whatever it is this agency does. My main qualification for HUD is that I lived in a house growing up near an urban area. Also, I’m the only African American that Trump knows. My idea of a romantic night out is eating grain at an Egyptian restaurant. I believe that evolution was created by the devil, global warming is a hoax, being gay is a choice and Creationism should be studied in school. I got your Big Bang right here, know what I’m sayin’. I’m a critic of HUD’s fair housing rule. We can’t have the government infiltrating every part of our lives, because that’s communism and we don’t have a communist government; we have a fascist one. The government needs to stick to regulating women’s bodies and gay marriage. Being HUD Secretary is just like Goldilocks, you get to go to houses and sleep on other people’s mattresses. If you like stabbing a bitch, then I’m the man for you, because I might be bat shit crazy but I’m also crazy for love.

Just the Alternative Facts, Ma’am

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Who has time to learn the facts these days? Thanks to Kellyanne Conway, what used to be called ignorance, we can now call alternative facts. If you are on the go and don’t have time to learn the facts, no worries; here are some alternative facts that everyone should know.

CREATIONISM IS A SCIENCE. Charles Darwin spent a month on the Galapagos Islands observing its animals. He took note of the variations of the same species of animal, especially the Finch, that existed from island to island. Each of the animals had adapted to their environment to survive and from this observation, he developed his theory of natural selection. Animals and plants possessed traits well-suited for their environment and all organisms share a common ancestor. Humans evolved from its closest ancestor, the apes. Blah, Blah, Blah…Bitch please! I mean Sarah Palin has already debunked that theory, by pointing out that we could not have possibly evolved from apes, because apes still exist. It’s impossible to argue with that kind of logic. So, take that Richard Dawkins! The most scientific explanation for all of life is Creationism, the belief that God created the world in six days and on the seventh day he rested. He rested, because it takes a lot out of you trying to perfect Tom Selleck’s mustache. The bible doesn’t tell us what he did on the eighth day, but we assume he played Mahjong and sipped cappuccinos. The book of Genesis tells us that God created all of life. He created Adam and then God took one of Adam’s McRibs and created Eve out of it. The book of Genesis is not to be confused with the plot of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, where they were searching for a terraforming device called Genesis. God did not dramatically yell, “Khaaaaaaaaaaan! Khaaaaaaaan!” That was admiral James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise. After God took all the trouble to create the world, he got bored with it, much like playing with an Etch A Sketch and decided he would destroy it. God decided to spare a man named Noah and his family and told Noah to build an arc and put two of every animal that exists in the world on that boat. Creationism is a scientific fact, because it is a literal reading from the bible. You’re probably wondering how Noah managed to fit all of those animals in a boat. The answer is, with a shoehorn. Duh!

CLIMATE CHANGE IS A HOAX. Just like Orson Welles War of the Worlds broadcast, climate change is a hoax. It’s a slight of hand, a magic trick used by David Blaine. Climate change is a sham and puts undo regulations on businesses. You might have heard sea levels,temperatures and CO2 levels are on the rise and glaciers are melting at an enormous rate, but that’s just what the liberal media want you to think. Ninety-nine out of a hundred scientists agree that global warming exists and is man made. Those ninety-nine are just like those dentists, who recommend you don’t chew Wrigley’s gum and Wrigley’s gum is so minty and refreshing.

Our own President, world renown climate scientist tweeted, “The concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive.” Boom! *mic drop* This was tweeted and Constitutions are one thing, but tweets last forever.

How could the world be warming up; it still snows? There’s an inconvenient truth for you right there Al Gore! Why question climate change, when fossil fuel companies emphatically deny the existence of global warming, and they have no financial interest to do so.

So, put your fingers in your ears and refuse to listen to ultra liberal Presidents like this one, who by executive order established the Environmental Protection Agency, “Clean air is not free, and neither is clean water. Through the years of past carelessness we incurred a debt to nature and now that debt is being called.” – President Nixon.

SOCIALISM IS BAD. AMERICA IS A CAPITALIST NATION. When you think of the word, Socialism, think Bernie Sanders, Communism and think Stalin. In that order. Don’t think Jesus Christ though. Jesus Christ was not a Socialist! He was a hedge fund manager on Wall Street. There is no such thing as corporate welfare either; Large corporations hate grants and tax cuts. Besides Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, public schools, roads, libraries, fire department, the post office and prisons, I defy you to name one socialist program in the United States.

Bill O’Reilly television host and author of Killing Lincoln, Killing Jesus, Killing Kennedy and his next book Killing Myself said, “In life, anything worth while is difficult. If you want to achieve, you will suffer. Period. But the Socialist philosophy ignores this truism. It is based on entitlement that we have a right to live a certain way.” If Bill’s house caught on fire, he wouldn’t call the fire department, because he’s not going to let any of that socialist water touch his million dollar home by God.

Besides, the programs mentioned above aren’t technically socialist, since they are funded by unicorn tears and candy corn. Socialized medicine would be the worst of all socialist programs. Do you know what would happen to this country, if everyone had health care and drug companies couldn’t profit off sick people? There would be complete anarchy; it would be like an Apocalypse, except without Tom Hardy driving a kick ass muscle car, primarily because gasoline degrades over time, but I digress.

THE FOUNDING FATHERS WANTED A CHRISTIAN NATION. Most of the founding fathers were Deists, and who knows what that word means, because it’s from Old English. So, completely disregarding words we don’t know, as Christians, we know they were Christians, because all men we admire have to be Christians. Although the Constitution doesn’t mention religion, except in Article VI, that forbids any religious test for public office, the Declaration of Independence does.

“We hold these truths to be self evident that all men are created equal, endowed by their Creator.” I think we can safely insert the word God for Creator in there. The people who don’t respect this as a fact, also don’t respect America and the freedom that Bill Pullman gave us on Independence Day.

There is no evidence that the founding fathers weren’t Christians, except for these few obscure references.

“This would be the best of all possible worlds, if there was no religion in it.” – John Adams.

“Religious bondage shackles and debilitates the mind and unfits it for every noble enterprise.” – James Madison.

“Christianity neither is, nor ever was apart of the common law.” – Thomas Jefferson.

“Lighthouses are more helpful than churches.”  – Ben Franklin. What an arcane relic, that has no use in today’s modern, enlightened society. Just to be clear, I mean the lighthouses, not churches. Churches are still in use today, where else can you get a stale vanilla wafer on Sunday.

The next time someone wants to do their due diligence and present the facts, you can counter with your own set of alternative facts, without having to even get up from you futon.

I made Bourgeois Aliens Shiny Garbage List. I am so honored! Thanks Twitter, You Got me Through 2016. The 33 Tweeters That Were Bright Spots in a Garbage Carnival of a year:

BOURGEOIS ALIEN

For some, Twitter is a place to inexplicably tweet about their favorite sandwich, post yet another selfie, or if you’re a trump troll, it’s a place to spew hate one misspelled word at a time. But for me, and for the scores of people that I follow, it’s about one thing: humor. And yes, of course, absolutely politics too- but even then it’s usually done under the umbrella of comedy.

When I hear a friend say, “I just don’t get Twitter” I wonder if they know that there’s a whole corner of Twitter that’s solely dedicated to hysterical, biting tweets. It’s a daily battle of wits, a place for those of us that savor language and intelligence go to not only entertain each other, but to make it through an otherwise bleak period in American history.  It’s better than any game, any crossword, or any show. There’s only one rule:…

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Who Cares about Body Image: Barbie Gives Girls Unrealistic Expectations of Career Opportunities

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We all know that Barbie’s impossible body proportions, lead to self-destructive behavior and eating disorders in girls, in an effort to obtain society’s definition of beauty, but we’ve already lost that battle thanks to movies, magazines and social media. Let’s focus on the real danger Barbie makes on impressionable young girls. Barbie sells pipe dreams to little girls. Princess, Sea World Trainer, Street Rapper…when is the last time you saw a job listing for “UNICEF Summit Diplomat” on monster.com? Job agencies are baffled by the Barbie phenomena.

“You might as well put ‘unemployed’ on your resume,” Joel Harper a representative at jobexperts.org. said.

There has been an alarming trend especially among Millennial’s, who have grown up with parents catering to their every whim, so they don’t damage their fragile psyches that are hanging on by a thread. A generation that is susceptible to everything they read on the internet wants to emulate their favorite Barbie; the allure of becoming a Pet Stylist for a celebrity is too enticing. Job Recruiters are finding it hard though to match these skills with potential employers.

“It’s my job to window dress these turds, so that I can entice employers; it’s almost impossible. I had to change one young ladies title on her resume from ‘Ocean Treasurer Explorer’ to ‘Certified Underwater Investigative Salvager’ and use words like, ‘under water odyssey.’ I work entirely on commission,” Rob Stanley Corporate Account Manager at Executive Resume Writers Inc. said.

These young women have to return to school to acquire new skills, mainly those applicable to getting actual jobs. It has become an increasing burden on parents that they still have to support their twenty-something daughter, who is eating into their retirement savings.

Beatrice Stall, former employee at the Mattel Corporation, explains part of the problem. “It’s the damn accessories. The company zeros in on what young ladies want. I mean pom-poms, castles, ball gowns a pink and purple wet suit, jobs don’t come with these kind of perks in real life unless you’re a stripper. These girls think it’s like Sex and the City and it makes it seem like Barbie is in a lucrative career. In reality, all she does is promise broken dreams.”

Surveys taken with young ladies between the ages of 18 and 28 say they are getting tired of the typical career path; they want excitement. They don’t want to end up stuck at a desk all day; they want to be able to take cool selfies of themselves with a sea turtle to post on Instagram. For decades Barbie has portrayed an unobtainable body image that causes girls to lose confidence in their looks, but what is destroying feminism next to unemployment in this economy.

The Emails of Jean-Paul Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir

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November 2, 2016

Dear Beaver,

Do you mind me calling you that? I’ve been meaning to ask you for decades, but it keeps slipping my mind. I sat in Starbucks today sipping my cappuccino and typing away on my laptop. A millennial asked me if I were writing a screen play and then laughed at me. I don’t get the joke. I was writing a screen play though.

Love,

John-Paul

 

November 5, 2016

Dear Little One,

Now that you bring it up, I really don’t like being called a beaver. A beaver has buck teeth and a big tail. Are you trying to imply something? Are you working on an existentialist screen play? I have to make a confession; I don’t know what existentialist means.

xoxoxo

Simone

 

November 8, 2016

Fine then, stop calling me Little One.

Jean-Paul

P.S I don’t know what existentialist means either.

 

November 10, 2016

Don’t get bent out of shape. I was talking about your stature, not your penis.

Simone

 

November 13, 2016

Smoking…scowling…smoking…sex…smoking…I’m being very French today.

Love,

Jean-Paul

 

November 14, 2016

I’m having a rendezvous with one of my lovers today and with a different lover on Tuesday and with someone, and I’ve quite forgotten who, on Thursday. Hopefully I’ll remember by Thursday but if not, do you want to meet for coffee?

Love and kisses,

Simone

 

November 15, 2016

Dear Simone,

I got into a religious discussion with a priest today and I told him ‘existence precedes essence.’ I thought it was quite good; I should write that down. He told me I was going to hell and I quipped ‘Hell is other people.’ I’m so clever sometimes. Did you remember who your Thursday lover is? Just let me know what time; I don’t want it to conflict with my Thursday romantic encounter. I don’t have one yet, but I’m sure I will by Thursday.

Jean-Paul

 

November 16, 2016

I remembered now that my romantic tryst was supposed to be with you on Thursday. That works out great, because then we can get coffee after.

Simone

 

November 18, 2016

I got into an argument with that absurdist writer Albert Camus. He said that existentialism is a load of crap; shit happens, so just deal with it. I told him the only thing absurd about him was his writing. He pointed out that he won The Nobel Peace Prize for Literature.

I hate bourgeois Frenchmen.

Love,

Jean-Paul

My Guest Spot: Yes, Funny People Hate Clowns by Bourgeois Alien

BOURGEOIS ALIEN

Trigger warning: Clowns

I’m kidding. I don’t believe in  trigger warnings. Life itself is a trigger warning, Chuckles.

Honk-Honk

I hate clowns. Their bizarre colored skin, stupid facial expressions, ridiculous orange hair, loud voice, and the whole ironically running for president dog and pony show…wait, I got confused. That’s Donald Trump. I’m talking about my hatred for all clowns, not just the billionaire orangutan. And I’m aware this isn’t a unique statement- hating clowns. In fact, most people I’ve spoken to find clowns horrible. But I wanted to know why- why others find them revolting. I decided to ask several writers, comedians, and other genuinely creative people their thoughts on what exactly makes clowns so grotesque…

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Interview with Godot

waiting for godot

I’m sitting in the back of a small café sipping my tea. My purse is beside me on the table along with my notes. I’ve already been waiting 20 minutes before Godot finally arrives. He is wearing a pair of Pierre Balmain jeans, open vest with no shirt underneath, a blue Portolano scarf and cradled in one arm is a white Mal-Shi. Godot approaches my table and without apologizing for being late, he sits the dog on the table. Both dog and owner look hung over. The waiter takes our orders and I dive right in with my list of questions.

M: You just won your fourth Oscar and you’re working on a new movie called, The Sacrifice. What is the movie about?

G: Yes, I have four Oscars; I would have five but the Academy is biased. The movie is about the sacrifice a family has to make after the stock market crash of 1929. The family has to get rid of most of their help; they can only afford to retain one maid. I play the role of the father, who is desperately trying to hold his family together.

The waiter comes back with our order. He puts a plate of Cobb salad in front of me and a cappuccino in front of Godot and without drinking it he tells the waiter it’s cold and to take it back.

M: How did you prepare for that role?

Godot doesn’t answer right away. He takes out some paper along with a pouch of tobacco from his vest. He lays the paper on the table and dumps the tobacco out, some of it lands on the paper, but most of it lands in a big heap on the table. He starts rolling the cigarette, while the Mal-Shi starts licking the pile of tobacco. Godot lights the cigarette and takes a long puff from it. A woman sitting at the table next to us complains and he calls her a slag.

G: I got rid of all my staff except for one maid. It was okay at first; it was kind of like camping, but after a while we began to tear each other apart. We lived like animals for a year.

I take a bite of my Cobb Salad, while Godot puffs away and the Mal-Shi stares at me with his judgmental eyes. He thinks I’m fat. The waiter brings Godot another cappuccino.

M: Most directors won’t work with you because you are habitually late and argue with your fellow cast members. Why do you always make people wait for you? Do you feel like one day you will unemployable?

G: They can either wait for me or find another actor, because I arrive when I’m ready. I can be a father trying to keep his family together, an astronaut, the President…I can be fucking God anytime I choose. I have a rare talent; I will never be unemployable.

M: You and your wife recently had a baby. How has fatherhood changed your perspective of the world?

The waiter approaches our table with trepidation and asks Godot to put out the cigarette, which he does by throwing it into the cappuccino. The Mal-Shi who is also offended, lifts his leg up to pee on my Cobb salad.

G: It hasn’t; the world is a toilet bowel and everyone is a pile of shit and I still believe that.

M: You learned your craft from the great Samuel Beckett who was your mentor. How were you influenced by him?

Godot pounds on the table. The Mal-Shi barks at me and starts to chew on my purse strap. He knows it is from last season.

G: Samuel Beckett was second-rate playwright. He did not make me into an actor; I made me. I have four Oscars.

He starts gesticulating wildly with his hands. The Mal-Shi is still attacking my purse. Everyone in the café is now looking at Godot, because he is shouting and looks like a wild man. The waiter who is about to cry, tells him to keep his voice down. As if my intuition or perhaps because his owner has done it a thousand times, the Mal-Shi jumps off the table right before Godot flips it over. My purse lands on the floor and the pissy Cobb salad lands in my lap.

G: You are a hack writer and your magazine is shit.

Godot picks up the Mal-Shi and storms out of the café. The waiter, who is weeping, offers me a towel and the bill.

A Salute to Those Who Came Before: 2016 Republican Presidential Coverage

cruzradio

It’s been a tumultuous year. We’ve laughed; we’ve cried; we got a lobotomy. The 2016 Republican primary was a fight to the death. A fight to the end, to see which candidate Jesus would support. In the immortal words of Charles Dickens “It was the worst of times; it was the worst of times.”

Let’s start with one of my favorites, and everyone’s favorite extreme anti-gay, anti-immigration, anti-abortion, anti-Muslim, soup-loving Senator of Texas, Fat Dracula Ted Cruz. The worst thing to come out of Canada since Nickelback and Justin Bieber. He believes firmly in the bible, but not in climate change, because we all know that only the bible has been scientifically proven. After retiring from being the Zodiac Killer, he became Solicitor General of Texas, where he defended the display of the 10 Commandments on the grounds of the State Capitol, supported restrictive voter ID laws and helped defend a law criminalizing the sale of dildos. Thank God, because dildos were taking away the jobs of hard working sexual men.

Let’s not forget about the Senator of Florida and your favorite member of Menudo, Marco Rubio. Another anti-abortionist, who believes life begins as soon as Ronald Regan’s corpse says it does. He’s against stem cell research, raising the minimum wage, {pauses to take awkward sip of water} same sex marriage, climate science and the legalization of marijuana. He’s also available for parties.

Chris Christie is the love child of J. Edgar Hoover and Joseph McCarthy, but you probably know him as the worse Governor ever of New Jersey. His hobbies include eating, getting winded and shutting down bridges.

Who is John Kasich?

Let’s not forget about the lovable Rip Van Winkle, Ben Carson. The man who speaks slowly, but carries a big knife. The Neurosurgeon, who likes to take naps before, during and after surgery. The man who said that, “gayness must be a choice, because men who were raped in prison come out gay” and “evolution is a fairy tale created by the devil.” Hey, but he’s a neurosurgeon, so he must be smart. He also said he doesn’t “see” any global warming. It’s probably because he’s not wearing his special global warming sunglasses. Don’t get in an argument with him though, cuz he will stab a bitch.

Jeb Bush, former Governor of Florida and known as the, “smart brother.” He was the one everyone thought had the nomination in the bag and would be the one facing-off with Hillary. Sure he might have low energy, but he has high hopes of being a Fox News commentator. He is currently making his living by charging $20 per warm kiss.

It wouldn’t be a Presidential race without Mike Huckabee, former Governor of Arkansas, Christian minister and lead singer of Stryper. He likes to Snapchat with Kim Davis and he believes that marriage should only be between a man and Jesus.

There was also the Senator from Kentucky, Rand Paul, son of Ron Paul, son of Arathorn, King of Gondor. He was called,”the sane one, kind of.” He is anti-abortion, but pro volumizing shampoo.

You might remember the Governor of Pennsylvania and sweater vest enthusiast, Rick Santorum. If you can’t remember his last name, just think of the word sanitarium. He doesn’t believe in contraception, gay marriage, global warming or empathy. He thinks moms should be at home and not working. He is currently working in a cigarette factory in 1955.

I’ve saved the best for last; the misogynist, bigot, homophobe, xenophobe, rambling- idiot, reality TV star, President-elect, Donald Trump. His slogan is, “make America grab pussy again.” He is the man every woman would love to work for, the kind that sexually harasses you and then threatens to fire you if you say anything. The Pope did not endorse him, but don’t worry Christians, he was endorsed by the Ku Klux Klan though. His motto is mi casa, su…YOUR ASS! Although we don’t know specifically what all his polices are, we do know that they are going to be, “great, huge, fantastic, amazing and very great.”

Always remember where you were on the night of this historically horrific election, so that you can tell future generations of children, who are scavenging for carrion out of a nuclear waste dump.

“If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face—for ever.” – George Orwell.