Thirty-two year old, Sarah Lansford, had a brain aneurysm and died yesterday during a board meeting. Immediately after dying, she was dismissed with no severance package. Her exit interview was conducted while EMT’s were carrying her out to the ambulance. A coworker, Theresa Hanner, described the events leading up to Sarah’s demise.
“I was right in the middle of giving a PowerPoint presentation on our line of stool softeners, when she just keeled over and her head hit the table.”
Sarah died at 10:20 am, but an ambulance wasn’t called for another two hours. A coworker present, Tom Brown, was asked to explain the time discrepancy.
“She came to the meeting and it was obvious she had already been drinking, because she reeked of vodka. Theresa was giving her presentation on our line of stool softeners and I was playing Fruit Ninja on my phone, when her head hit the table. We all assumed she had passed out, so we just kept going on with the agenda.”
When it was lunch time, box lunches were being served and that was when board member, Larry Parker, discovered she was dead.
“My lunch was shitty! I got an egg salad sandwich, so I decided to swap with Sarah, since she was passed out and wouldn’t know the difference. I noticed her face was extremely pale and she had no color in her cheeks. She looked like Morrissey from 1985. That’s when I knew she was dead as fuck.”
When inquiring about Sarah’s work ethic, several things came to light. She was described as being habitually late and her coworkers complained many times about smelling alcohol on her breath.
“Sarah was already on thin ice,” Tom Brown said. “Dying in the boardroom is unprofessional and was the last strike.”
Sarah apparently did not have a good working relationship with her coworkers and ruined office parties with her drunken behavior.
“One time during a company Christmas party, she came dressed as a sexy elf and sang, ‘Baby Got Back’ by Sir Mix-a-Lot during karaoke. It was just sad,” Tom Brown said.
Her coworkers also revealed, that she had inappropriate relationships with other staff members.
“She was sleeping with Jeremy from HR,” Theresa Hanner said. “She broke up with Jeremy, but he started harassing her and wouldn’t leave her alone, so she filed a complaint. Jeremy had to write himself up. It was very awkward.”
The CEO, who was fed up with Sarah’s unprofessional behavior and lack of karaoke acumen, fired her immediately. After Sarah was taken away in an ambulance, the last presentation was given and then a vote was taken. In a unanimous vote, the company agreed to add a new line of rash cream.
Original revised version, published in Below the Fold Magazine, 7/8/16.