A Witless Wonderland

teapartyoutside

A table is set in a forest with porcelain teapots filled with ginger tea, white tea, black tea and many others. The table is also filled with every kind of confection, from scones to butter cookies, not to mention, some scrumptious-looking finger sandwiches. At the table, sits our top leaders, discussing vital issues.

VP White Nationalist Rabbit: {pulls out a broken pocket watch} I’m terribly late for my meeting with an organization that shall remain nameless.

President Mad Asshatter: {takes his pocket watch and dunks it in the black tea}

White Nationalist Rabbit: Not the black tea!!!

Spokesperson Queens Reich: Sir, I need to discuss the proposal to weaken mercury standards and how it could negatively impact our anti-pollution laws.

Mad Asshatter: Nonsense, mercury is good for you. {snorts mercury from a thermometer}

Senior Advisor Jared Dorkmouse: {pokes his head out from an empty teacup}

Mad Asshatter: {turns tea cup upside down and traps Dorkmouse under it}

Treasury Secretary Creepy Cat: Sir, I’ve been doing the math on this border wall and …

Mad Asshatter: Stop right there. There’s no need to bring math into this.

Creepy Cat: But sir, we don’t have the money.

Mad Asshatter: Stop smiling like that. You’re making me lose my appetite. {shoves entire scone into his mouth}

Security Advisor March Hare Implants: A withdrawal from Syria is very unpopular among some of your base.

Creepy Cat: {Ears perk up at the mention of the word ‘withdrawal’ but go back down at the mention of a poor country}

Mad Asshatter: {picks up Dorkmouse by the tail and begins to spread butter on him}

Dorkmouse: {trying to escape} Squeak!!!

White Nationalist Rabbit: I am so very late. I hope they don’t start without me.

Queens Reich: Mr President, we should suspend our daily press briefings.

Mad Asshatter: {realizes he’s holding Dorkmouse and throws him up in the air, where he lands on a tree branch} Suspend them for how long?

Queens Reich: Until you learn how to construct sentences.

Mad Asshatter: Look, you can hold briefings, just blame everything on the Democrats.

Creepy Cat: {smiles so wide he catches a bee and several flies}

Mad Asshatter: Why is a raven like a writing desk?

March Hare Implants: {grooming mustache with a tea whisk and staring blankly}

Queens Reich: I don’t know, how is a raven like a writing desk?

Mad Asshatter: I don’t write. How the fuck should I know? {drinks tea from the pot}

White Nationalist Rabbit: That’s an excellent riddle.

{A hawk swoops down on the tree branch and flies away with Dorkmouse}

Mad Asshatter: Where is that bird going with my raspberry tart? Do something, March Hare Implants! You’re my National Security Advisor.

March Hare Implants: This is not in my job description, but okay. {Hurls a saucer like a frisbee and hits White Nationalist Rabbit, knocking him out of his chair}

Mad Asshatter: Goddamn it! It got away.

Creepy Cat: {Sees the White House cat}

Mad Asshatter: I need to get a new National Security Advisor. Queens Reich, find out who made these tarts and ask them if they want to be my National Security Advisor.

Queens Reich: You’ve already asked much of the kitchen staff already, for various cabinet positions, including for White House Spokesperson.

Mad Asshatter: Well, try some of the custodial workers.

Queens Reich: Sir, it’s time to call Sean Hannity. You need to find out what our economic, social and foreign polices are this week, because no one seems to know.

{The Mad Asshatter leaves with Queens Reich and March Hare Implants. He grabs a couple of tarts and shoves them inside his suit jacket. White Nationalist Rabbit is still on the ground, possibly dead. No one could tell before anyway. Creepy cat is left alone to sniff the butt of the White House cat}

 

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