Butt Mist

The first husband and party were out on the D.C. streets and like the movie, The Warriors, who were determined to make it back to Coney Island, they were equally determined to make it to the White House. Mick Cage-Bacon had his Glock drawn, along with the Secret Service Agents, ready to pop a cap in a looters ass if the need arose. Some of the buildings across the street were burning, and they could see a man throwing a garbage can through an Eddie Bauer window.

“Why spend what could be your last hours on Earth, looting an Eddie Bauer? What a douche,” Tad said.

“I can’t afford Eddie Bauer,” Tom the waiter said with a sigh, but no one gave a shit.

“There’s no accounting for taste in the apocalypse I guess,” his brother Geoff said.

“Don’t say apocalypse; we don’t know that for sure,” Kitty said.

“If there are aliens, I doubt they wish us peace on Earth and good will towards men. They will probably want to annihilate us, or at the very least, probe our asses,” Tad said.

“That’s such a stereotype; I’m sure not all aliens want to probe human asses, except maybe Kim Kardashians.

“Ew,” said Mick, Larry, Darryl and Darryl, and Lorenzo contemporaneously.

“Has the president texted you with any updates? My phone battery is dead now. I don’t even know if my husband Yukon is okay,” Kitty said.

“The only thing he said was that he has to leave on Air Force One to get to NORAD. When we make it to the White House, we are to leave on Air Force Two to join him there. He will address the nation again once he arrives.”

“Look at those assholes,” Tom the waiter said, pointing to a group of people protesting.

“Why are they protesting, hey?” Lorenzo asked eating a sandwich, which had fallen out of the trashcan that the looter had thrown through the Eddie Bauer window.

It appeared as though the protesters wanted to make peace with the aliens, according to some of the signs.

 Safe haven for illegal aliens. War is not the answer. Welcome aliens. Aliens are people too. Make alien/human hybrids, not war.  Let’s probe each other!

“I think that last guy has the right idea,” Tad said, thinking of Rose and wondering where she might be.

“What a complete and utter waste–” Daryl number one was interrupted by a whizzing bullet, that hit the windshield of a nearby car and shattered it. Their group along with the protesters, hit the pavement. The Secret Service Agents shielded the First Husband, scanning to see where the bullet had come from.

“There’s a sniper on the roof. It looks like he is trying to take out the protesters,” Larry said

The next bullet fired out and hit one of the protesters in the leg and before the Secret Service Agents knew what was happening; Mick was on his feet with his gun aimed at the sniper. The First Husband fired and got the sniper right in the forehead. The sniper toppled over and hit the pavement with a splat, right in front of Kitty who screamed.

Tom the waiter yelled out, “Oh shit oh shit oh shit!”

“That was totally bad ass sir,” Darryl number two said.

“I had to learn how to fire and load a gun for Sex and the City and Death. I have been practicing at the gun range ever since.”

The protester, who got shot in the leg, got up and was carried away by two of her friends. The group pressed on down the street stopping in front of a convenient store.

“Let’s go in and see if they have any water or food,” Larry said.

Tad pushed on the door, and surprisingly it was unlocked. A bullet rang out and they heard someone shout, “get the fuck out of my store you hooligans.”

“Don’t shoot; we are Secret Service Agents and we have the First Husband here,” Larry said and held up his Secret Service ID.

“I don’t give a good god damn who you are. Get out of my store before I kill all of you.”

Larry was about to protest further, but Mick said, “let’s just keep going, I want to get to the White House as soon as possible.

The Secret Service Agents took the lead and peered around the corner, to make sure the coast was clear. The sun went down and Geoff checked his phone.

“That’s weird the sun is down and it’s only 3 o’clock.”

Everyone looked up, and hovering in the sky were probably thousands of spaceships; it was impossible to tell how many or how far away they were.

“Oh my God,” Kitty said.

Geoff tapped his brother Tad on the shoulder. “I just thought of the funniest tweet.”

 

***

Yukon and Melvin were headed toward the White House in Melvin’s jeep. The top was down and he was blasting Black Flag.

“Ah shit,” Melvin said.

“What’s the matter?” Yukon asked.

“I’m out of the maraschino cherries that I stole from the airport.”

“Is that all? Melvin, you amaze me; it might be the end of the world and you’re worried about snacks.”

The sun went down suddenly and when Yukon looked up, he was so startled that he swerved into the next lane. Their jeep crashed head on with a Smart Car.

“Sir… Sir… Are you okay?” A jolly round lady asks Yukon, shaking his shoulder to wake him.

“Wha… What happened?”

“I think we were all looking up at those UFOs. We weren’t paying attention and we ran into each other.”

Yukon looked up and saw the jeep folded up like an accordion.

“Melvin!” Yukon cried out.

“Oh, your friend is fine;” she said pointing to the other side of the street, where Melvin was sitting on the curb with a red-headed woman.

“We thought he was bleeding from the chest, but apparently it was just cherry juice. Are you alright?”

“Yes, I’m fine. I’m Yukon,” he held his hand out. “That’s Melvin.”

“Nice to meet you,” she said, taking his massive hand. “I’m Katie. That’s Rose.”

“Sorry about your car.”

“Oh, it’s not our car; we stole it. Our car was carjacked by some asshole in a wheelchair.”

Yukon got up, with a little help from Katie, and walked over to join Rose and Melvin.

“Yuke, do you believe this shit?” Melvin asked. “What do we do now? Walk back to the apartment?”

Yukon pointed down the street, “The White House is closer. We can hoof it from here.”

“I’m not exactly, High School skinny anymore.”

“You never were, High School skinny,” Yukon said.

“Why are you guys going to the White House?” Rose asked.

“My wife is headed there.”

“Aw… that’s so sweet,” Katie says, as she fights back tears, because she will never know love.

Looking up, Yukon adds, “From the look of things, we’re running out of time.”

***

All morning, the sky was clear and bright and the Earth looked peaceful and calm, as if it was a typical day. Now, the atmosphere across the globe was littered with alien vessels. They were in every major city; except for Detroit.

The UFOs were hardly poetic; they were unpolished and a bit lackluster, like the child of a sphere and a pyramid, if the sphere and the pyramid were close relatives. Each one was rocky and unsmooth in appearance, like a barnacle ridden ship, with a belt of tiny orbs circling the hemisphere. They hovered slightly below cloud level, motionless, except for the orb belt spinning tirelessly.

Below, on the surface, the population varied in emotions. Most of the people were afraid, a few were excited, and some were too drunk by this time to care. Mainly, everyone was anxious. Who are they? What do they look like? Are they here to destroy us? Are they here to mate with us?

After for what seemed like an eternity, the orbs started breaking formation. They dropped slowly, but with purpose, like acorns from a tree. The UFOs didn’t slow as they approached the ground, but simply stopped a few meters above their city and there they waited. Once again, the sky was calm and scores of people below were staring intently upward now, waiting to see what would happen next. The orbs slowly started to drop straight down; almost as slow as feathers. Time seemed to stand still; crowds began forming circles around where they believed the orbs were landing. They were careful though not to get to close. The fear level was high, but this was monumental. Aliens are here on Earth; this is real. This is happening and in a matter of seconds, the orbs will open up to reveal something extraordinary.

The orbs descended, stopped eight feet from the ground, and came to a halt. They were easy to make out now; they were barely the size of a Smart Car. The orbs split in unison across their hemisphere, leaking bright light and smoke in all directions. A fart sound rang out, making everyone giggle. The laughter started dying out, beginning from the inner circle and moving outward away from the orb. The people closest to the orb turned around, then the next closest, and so on, until a half dozen rows were staring out at the onlookers.

“The smoke,” one onlooker yelled. “It’s a gas!”

Panic set in and everyone began to lose their shit. The people who were exposed to the gas started to run, but not away…they were running towards the people who had not been exposed to the gas. Their eyes were dull and they never blinked; their faces drooped, while their mouths remained open as they moved. Those that were affected began tackling people, scratching and gnawing on them. Every so often, one of the affected would fart and a tiny puff of smoke would roll out, which turned anyone nearby into predators as well. The light from the orbs began pulsing quickly, and then stopped. One final blast of blinding light flashed outwards, and as it subsided, the outline of a humanoid could be made out.