The Food Heavy Chapter

    As the entire world fights back swarms of fart zombies and labia-faced alien Danny DeVitos, the tunnel to the White House was a boring yet welcome place. Kitty and Yukon were noticeably upset, that the peacefulness was about to come to an end. Mick and Eastwood, both men of action, were itching for a fight and eager to exit the quiet of the below ground tubular walkway. Tad and his brother were bothered more by the lack of signal, than anything else. The lack of signal was no deterrent for Melvin, who was flipping through his phone, admiring his stockpile of dick pics he had on hand, for whenever the need for a good dick pic arose. As for Tom the waiter, he worried about everything, including how Lorenzo could eat at a time like this, and even more than that; where did he find that foot long Italian sub sandwich?

Thinking back, Tom the waiter was hard pressed to recall a time when he saw Lorenzo without food in his hands. Every time he went back into the kitchen, Lorenzo was tossing an olive in his mouth, or tilting his head back to drop in some feta cheese. Well, he could ponder that later. There were too many other things to worry about, in fact; he knew he had better concentrate on the present or run the risk of getting left behind by the others. They were quick to forget him. He stood in the back, as he watched Yukon and Eastwood turn the latch to the door and peek out to check that the coast was clear.

“We’re good,” Eastwood said as he motioned for the others to follow him into the lower level of the White House.

“It’s about time,” a voice rang out from the other side of the room. It was Mick’s manager and long time friend, Marlo Jenkins. “I waited so long and I finished all these crossword and Sudoku puzzles; I was about to go out of my mind.”

Marlo pointed to the small stack of completed puzzles so everyone was sure to be impressed. He was a bit of a know it all, but more than that, he was a huge dick. Although, if anyone were to take a closer look, they’d realize he just filled in the boxes with nonsense words such as, cliterally and weinus, to seem smarter than he really was. Again, he was a huge, massive dick.

“It’s good to see you. Have you had much trouble here?” Mick asked.

“There was one long attack after the President left, but then nothing. It’s like they know he’s gone. All the Secret Service guys are upstairs, taking shifts between going on watch and playing Halo in the theater room.”

“Have you heard from President Bacon since he arrived at NORAD?” Eastwood asked.

“No, Air Force One touched down an hour ago and there’s been no further contact.”

“No news is good news, am I right?” Tad asked not really expecting an answer.

Kitty followed up, “I’m not sure that’s true during invasions, Tad.”

Eastwood turned to the group, “Alright, here’s what’s next. The First Gentleman, Mr. Jenkins & I, will head to Air Force Two, and we will need to be quick about it. Kitty and Yukon will need to come with us. The rest of you will be safe here. Follow us up to the theater room; it will be on our way. We’ll leave you in the capable hands of the Secret Service. The only place safer than here is NORAD.”

 

***

     President Bacon and his staff are just collecting themselves from a second attack, as the third wave arrived. Luckily, they had only suffered a few casualties, all of which were basically low level red shirts, some of whom were slaughtered by alien hands, but most were gunned down by his staff after being zombified. Evan couldn’t get over how amazing his cabinet was, especially Stanley Johnson. The Director of Homeland Security was almost as round as he was tall. His nickname around the Homeland Security office was, Lunchbox because he could really pack in the food. He was a fairly unassuming man under normal conditions, save for his size. Stanley was often seen adorned in the trappings of a wealthier man, but at his core; he was simply a country boy out of his element. He played the game well though, using a large chunk of his money to buy nice clothing and fancy things, in an attempt to blend in with the Washington elite. That façade went by the wayside, once the first wave was upon them. Now, he was like an albino Hulk, tossing the Inkaku around like napkins at a pig picking. Evan tried to remain by his side; he was clearly the partner you wanted in a fight. As the new batch of aliens poured in, Evan and Stanley were back to back, beating the shit out of any Inkaku stupid enough to test them. Evan was out of ammo, much like the rest of his team, so every object in the room became their arsenal. The Inkaku were fast, but not exceptionally strong. They were just as vulnerable as us, so the trick was getting past their armor. The down side was that without the added weight, they moved much faster.

In the break room, down the hall from Evan and his staff, is the President’s Secretary, Marietta Lewinsky. She followed The President everywhere and especially this time, thinking she would avoid danger. Unfortunately, danger followed them to NORAD. She is alone and barricaded in a poorly lit break room, with no way to defend herself, should the aliens find their way in. During the initial attack, she heard the calamity down the hall in the operations room and when she peeked out, she saw two Inkaku step into the hallway. She ducked back out of site and gasped, just as one of the butt-ugly aliens, turned to look in her direction. It missed her, but it could certainly head her way at any moment.

Marietta gently pressed the door closed and turned the locking mechanism as quietly as possible. The room was solid on three of its four walls, but the hallway wall was entirely glass. Perhaps it was sturdy enough to keep them out, but why risk it?

Better to stay out of sight, she thought, as she receded behind one of the couches in the room. She lowered her head to peer under the red velour couch, and watched as the alien slowly passed. She could tell by its stride, that it was surveying the room for potential targets as it approached. It stopped at the door and shook the handle. To her dismay, she peed a little at the fright of seeing the ugly creature. Thankfully, the alien didn’t see the need to continue and carried on down the hall.

She was safe, but for how long? Maybe someone would come to collect her after the battle? That was of course unless they all died. Maybe they fled, leaving her behind? She resolved to remain hidden, until someone, be it human or alien; came for her.

Marietta remained on the floor. Her long golden hair spilled around her head, hiding her face. Her pant suit was beginning to smell of urine. She got behind the couch, remaining out of sight, but now she could slip off her wet pants. Unfortunately, she wore no underwear, but she had just recently had her junk waxed. So, if anyone caught her, literally with her pants down, she would be more proud than embarrassed. Marietta removed her belt from her urine-stained slacks, and fastened it back around her waist. In the front, she wrapped a kitchen towel around herself, which she removed from the counter with her toes.

All that yoga finally paid off, she thought.

Her makeshift loincloth would do little to preserve her modesty, but it was better than nothing. As she relaxed on the floor, she looked straight up at the ceiling. A noise was coming from the air vent above her, and it was getting louder. She knew it was that alien from before; it must have smelled her leaky faucet.

Marietta leaped to her feet and jumped for the door, a fraction of a second before the alien bastard hunting her, broke through the ceiling and landed just where she had been before. She took a long look at the repugnant beast, as they squared off to face one another. The scene was reminiscent of a Wild West gun duel, but instead of it being between two leather-faced old cowboys, it was between a woman in a rough cotton loincloth and a monster with a shitty hairstylist.

Ever so slightly, Marietta’s eyes cut to the door. The alien glanced at it as well, but tilted its head and then returned its gaze, as if to say, are you feeling lucky, bitch?

Marietta did feel lucky. She was also feeling pretty sexy, seeing that she was half-naked and the alien before her, sort of looked like Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito’s baby. She had lost her cherry to the movie, Twins a few years ago, when it aired on TBS, to a guy named Fernando. He worked in the kitchen department at Home Depot. They had been in a break room, much like this one and on a couch, much like the one that separated her and her attacker.

Marietta lunged for the exit, but the Inkaku was too fast and thwarted her escape. It grabbed her right arm, just as she grabbed the door with her left. The alien jerked her away with such force, that she flew across the room and into the refrigerator. The freezer door swung open from the force, and a TV dinner fell into her lap. As the Inkaku started again for her, she grabbed the frozen dinner and hurled it like a Frisbee, slapping the beast in the head. The Inkaku stopped dead in its tracks. It was just as frozen as the Salisbury steak that hit its head. Marietta reached into the freezer for more ammo, and hurled them one by one like ninja stars. Several of the boxes, cut the alien with their sharp, rock-solid edges. The Inkaku began its charge, just as she emptied the freezer. Marietta waited until the alien was almost upon her and then slammed the freezer door on its head. The alien let out a scream, to signal it was getting fed up with this little game and slammed its fist into the refrigerator. It then grabbed the refrigerator and flipped it over, but in its rage, didn’t notice the pot of old coffee headed for its face. The glass shattered into a thousand shards, as the stale coffee enveloped its entire face. The Inkaku dropped like a sack of horny puppies.

Marietta slowly approached the Danny DeVito look alike, as it lay motionless on the floor. Her hand wrapped tightly around the cord of a toaster, that she was ready to whip at it, should it move. The alien remained still, but opened its eyes slowly to look upon its opponent. She raised her arms, preparing to deal the deathblow. The Inkaku opened its mouth slightly, to reveal a shit-eating grin, as if the roles were reversed, and he wasn’t the one bested.

Why was this fucker smiling? Then she smelled it; the alien bastard had farted. With no time to lose, she brought down the cord with the toaster, and it came crashing down to find its new home, lodged in the alien’s skull.

The President’s Secretary stood above her kill, but she wouldn’t find victory today. The match would end in a tie…

 

***

Katie and Rose ran down a back alleyway behind a Pizza Hut, to avoid some aliens that were just around the corner. The aliens were everywhere it seemed; there was no safe place left.

“I’m so hungry; I think I could actually eat a Pizza Hut pizza,” Katie said.

“Do we have any more hot dogs from DC Wieners?” Rose asked.

“I used the last one to beat up that alien at that gas station.”

“We have to get to a safe place; we are not going to make it much longer, without any weapons,” Katie said.

“I think we should go to the White House.”

“How would be able to get into the White House and what makes you think we would be safer there?”

“I don’t know; that’s where Yukon and that other man, the one who sent us dick pics were going. Maybe someone would let us in,” Rose said.

“I guess we could, since I can’t think of a better idea. We need to get our hands on a gun somehow.”

“I’m sure all the gun stores, Walmart and every other place that sells guns, have all been looted,” Rose said.

“You know there’s a bar a block away from here, called The Blue Oyster Bar. It’s right across the street from the Cherubim Café. Most bartenders keep a shotgun behind the bar. It’s a long shot, but we should at least look and see.”

“God, what I wouldn’t give for a sandwich from the Cherubim Café The owner is a bit weird though.

Katie peeked around the corner. “The aliens are gone now.”

The girls made a run down the street, taking cover beside abandoned cars, just in case any aliens popped up. When they got to The Blue Oyster Bar, Katie looked inside the window. She didn’t see the usual men with assless leather chaps and sailor hats dancing. She pushed open the door and immediately the song, “El Bimbo” by Bimbo Jet started playing. (Once again, please enjoy the song, “El Bimbo” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DFifyV6vfBw

“How the hell is that music still playing, when there’s no one even here?” Rose asked.

Katie went behind the bar to see if she could find any weapons. “The liquor has all been looted. The only thing left are wine coolers.”

Rose made a face and shook her head. She started taping her toes. “You have to admit, this song really makes you want to dance.”

“Um…okay?” Katie said, and stuck her hand underneath the shelf on the register. “Damn, I can’t find anything.” She was just about to give up, when she noticed the floor mat. She lifted it up to reveal a door, to what she assumed must be a cellar. Katie pulled the cellar door open and thankfully it was unlocked.

“I found a cellar; let’s go down there together. I don’t think it’s a good idea to separate.”

Katie and Rose went down into the cellar. There was a poster of the Village People hanging on the wall and a bunch of wine racks filled with wine bottles.

“Holy shit, we’ve hit the mother lode,” Rose said.

If that wasn’t enough, right behind the wine rack, was a gun rack with a shotgun and a Kalashnikov. There was also a box of shells and bullets. Katie put the box of bullets in her back pack. The Kalashnikov had a strap, so she put that around her shoulder and handed Rose the shotgun and shells.

“Do you know how to shoot?” Katie asked.

“A little bit, I went to target shooting once with this guy I used to date.”

“Just be careful, a shotgun has a lot of kick to it. You know, maybe we should just hold up here. We have guns, ammo and plenty of alcohol. Why don’t we just get wasted and stay in here until this whole alien thing blows over.”

“It might not ever blow over and besides, we have plenty of alcohol, but very little water left and no food. Also, I think eventually the aliens would find us,” Rose said.

“What the hell is that?” Katie asked and pointed to a leather suit in the corner.

“It’s a gimp suit. I think this might be a sex dungeon.”

Katie’s phone vibrated; she had about 5% battery left.

“I got a text message from Melvin. It’s a picture of a kitten and a dildo in a tree with the caption, ‘hang in there.’