It’s All Kittens & Dildos! 

 Bryan and I doing our court-ordered public service, handing out condoms to drunk, horny teenagers. October 31, 1995.

M: Where are you located on the planet?

B:  On the top, thankfully, but more specifically, D.C., or at least that’s what I tell people. My “DC” is short for “Danville City.” It’s a small city in South Central VA.

M: I bet South Central VA has some lame-ass rappers.

B: Yeah… see why I shorten it to DC? So I’ll know the touch of a woman. Nobody happily tells their parents they’re porking a dude from Danville City.

M: Don’t worry; your secret is safe with me. I won’t tell anyone.

B:  Thanks, and BTW, I was one of those lame-ass rappers. I use to run a studio with my friend, Aaron. We actually have an album floating around out there. Our second album was about 85% complete when we gave it all up. The fame was just too much.

Here’s a link to one of my songs on YouTube called Fairy Tales: http://youtu.be/tIoFL4tv_b4

M:  HaHa! I’m pretty sure that Aaron gave me your first CD. I think it might be down in my basement somewhere; it would have been circa 2003.

B: The best part of that album was the artwork; I shot all the photos myself.

M: What is it like growing up/living in the South?

B:  I hate it. There are mosquitoes here, but my family is here too, so, you know… I’m surrounded by blood suckers. I hate having a country accent. Your readers probably can’t even understand what I’m saying right now.

M:  Hang on…I’m waiting for the interpreter I hired to finish translating what you just said. I also have someone doing sign language for my blind audience.

B:  I’ll wait…

M:  What do you do for a living?

B:  I’m a warehouse manager. It’s boring as hell, but, it gives me plenty of free time to pay bills, watch porn or write jokes in between paying bills and watching porn.

M:  But when do you find the time to watch more porn?

B:  All things are possible through Jesus.

M:  What are some of your favorite hobbies?

B:  I love playing Xbox or binge watching TV with my wife. We’re into a lot of the same shows, like Flash, Criminal Minds, Brooklyn 99.  Wow… now that I think about it, my hobby is sitting.

M:  Describe in excruciating detail how we became friends. (If it’s not too painful for you.)

B:  Many moons ago, I dated your friend and you dated mine. Not sure which came first. The earliest memory I have of you, was when my friend said something (probably stupid) and you responded with, “Ding ding ding ding! Number one answer!” That’s when I knew we would be best buds for many hours to come.

M:  HaHa! “Friend of mine.” We sound like we are in the mafia. For those of you who don’t speak Cosa Nostra, “friend of mine” is a connected guy and “friend of ours” is a made guy.

B:  I think I dated a girl named Cosa Nostra once.

M: Those were some good times, piling in the back of your bad ass Steve McQueen car. I loved visiting you at around 2 am, when you were finishing up your shift, because you always hooked us up with some cheese fries with all the fixin’s.

B:  Damn it. Now I want cheese fries. Yeah, I forgot I use to wait tables back then. That was a sweet gig. If you poked the cheesecake, they couldn’t sell it. So I ate SO MUCH CHEESECAKE!

M:  Does your family think you are funny?

B:  Funny looking? Yes. Funny haha? Well that depends on just how drunk those assholes get. I am the comedian in the family, but I think most of them tune me out when they’re sober. Thankfully, that is not very often. My wife hates my jokes, regardless of her sobriety level.

M:  You tweet a lot about your penis. Have you thought about taking your penis on the road with you and doing a two man comedy act?

B:  I can’t take that thing out in public. Not anymore. Maybe if we worked out something with Skype. It’s notoriously hard to work with as well. Difficult to keep its attention for more than a minute or two. Talk about funny, though. Always gets a laugh, that one.

M:  Besides your penis, where do you get the inspiration for some of your tweets?

B:  I find inspiration everywhere. The world is ripe with material. Sometimes if I’m stuck, however, I have this little trick I do where I just start writing randomly and call upon The Force to finish the tweet for me. If it’s not funny by the time I reach the end, I replace the final word with “Valtrex” or some other made up word like that. I’ll keep doing it as long as it keeps working. The trick, not the Valtrex.

M:  Who are some of your favorite comedians?

B:  I love comedians so much. It’s hard to narrow it down. The greats, of course. Pryor, Carlin, Murphy. Mitch Hedberg was right up my alley. That dude was amazing. Today I’m into Doug Benson, Hannibal Buress, Amy Schumer even though she’s blocking me on twitter, Ron Funches… The list is huge! The list would be shorter if you asked me who I hate. Yeah, let me give you that list instead. Carrot Top and Hitler. Name one joke he ever did. You can’t. Know why? His material sucked. Figure out which one of those guys I’m talking about? Trick question! Both.

M:  You take that back about Hitler!

B:  Poor Carrot Top. Hitler gets defended over him.

M:  We both share a deep love for Swamp Thing; he is the sex symbol of our generation. Were you just a fan of the movies or were you a comic book fan as well?

B:  Funny, I use to work at a comic book store when I was younger, and I never was into his comic. But the movie was my joint! I was more into Spider-Man, Hulk, Supes and Batman. I think I always thought he was sexiest on film. Plus his love interest (from the neck down) had me sprung.

M:  You don’t love Adrienne Barbeau’s perm?! This interview is over!

B:  I bet it matched the carpet. Gotta love the 80’s. I hear Swamp Thing will be in the Justice League Dark movie. I hope so! Maybe he’ll get a love story arc.

M:  You are the co-author of Bacon Saves the World. (Me being the other one) What do you like about writing with me and what do you think I bring to the story?

B:  The best part about writing with you is that you keep me on track. There is a lot to love about writing with you, but that is most important in my opinion, because I tend to leave projects 85% completed. (See my last rap album & 2013’s kitchen remodel project) Come to think of it, we’re at about 85% now, aren’t we?

M:  It seems like we are about 50% complete, but I’ll let you know as soon as I finish reading it.

B:  Another great thing about our partnership is that we make each other laugh. I look forward to your parts, and more than that, I look forward to sending you mine. Sometimes I’ll write something down and think to myself, M’s gonna LOVE that.

M:  I do the same thing. I know immediately when I’m writing something that you are going to love; same with tweets. One of the things that still makes me laugh every time I think about it, is when you describe Trump’s Death.

“Well as you’re aware, my primary concern during my campaign was illegal immigration. I swore to the American people that I’d finish Trump’s wall. During his visit to my state to oversee the project, I promised Trump himself that I’d finish it as he lie dying in my arms, when that Mexican construction worker fell off the wall and onto him.” – Bacon Saves The World.

B:  Haha… Tons of great stuff like that in there. From both of us. My favorite contribution from you was the Sex and the City and Death film trilogy within the story. A close second would have to be when one of our protagonists, Yukon Catan, dove into The Potomac.

“He always wore a wet suit underneath his clothes, to him it was like a bullet proof vest; you never knew when it might save your life. It had come in handy a few other times as well, but it was a little bit annoying when he was trying to have sex with his wife, because it was a bitch to take off.” – Bacon Saves The World.

B:  You bring a lot of joy to the work. I look forward to doing more. Like the spin-off series we have been spitballing. Is spitballing one word or two?

M:  It’s three words. A spin-off series would be awesome. I have endless pop culture references as you know. I hope Putin can be in this one; I love making jokes about him. I’m hoping that our current story ends Hateful 8 style.

B: I just hope people read it and think to themselves, What the Hell am I reading? Then continue reading. That’s my goal. To write something so off the wall that the reader has to wonder what wrong turn they made in their life that led to our book.

“If the object turns out to be an asteroid, I can promise you; we will not stand idly by like the dinosaurs did. We are Americans and we have much larger brains. As with every other challenge in our nation’s history, we will prevail, unlike that time in Vietnam, Iraq, Afghanistan and the Civil War, depending on which side you were on.” – Bacon Saves The World.

M:  You wrote a story for your daughter that you have read to her frequently. Have you thought about becoming a children’s author?

B:  I would love that. But children’s books are hard. You wouldn’t think they would be, but so much ground has been covered, it’s hard to plant new seeds. Just recently I wrote an entire Christmas book and had an illustrator lined up and everything. Come to find out that the story I was working on was already done. Ouch. Maybe I’ll publish the book I wrote for my daughter one day. That is unless someone else beats me to it.

M:  Is it accurate to say politically, that you are loyal to ideas as opposed to parties?

B:  Very accurate, although, if I had to categorize myself, I fit more with the Libertarian party. I hate Democrats and Republicans equally and for different reasons and for similar reasons.

M:  You are a fellow atheist. When did you arrive at that conclusion and did our mutual friend influence that decision? (He has some brilliant arguments.)

B:  I was atheist before I met him. As far back as I can remember, I was being dragged to church and I remember thinking to myself, even at a young age, Wait… You guys believe this poop? I’ve just always believed it was made up. Like the tooth fairy for adults. I think religion is designed to give hope to the hopeless and keep order. I’ve never felt otherwise, but I did believe Darth Vader was real. So…

M:  What do you think the Church of Darth Vader would be like? Do you think he would choke out people who didn’t tithe?

B:  I feel like if you’re a member of the Church of Darth Vader and you’re having a lack of faith, you should probably keep it to yourself.

M:  I was mainly ambivalent about it for a number of years, because as a teenager, Jeezus wasn’t really on my radar. I wish we lived in a world without religion; it’s been the number one cause of war since man and religion have been around. I would recommend to people to read Christopher Hitchens’ God is not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything, it’s the most well-rounded argument I’ve heard for atheism.

B:  I would recommend they read our book instead and except Kanye Christ as their savior or their exclamation of choice. Try it next time you stump your toe; it’s refreshing.

M: It is brilliant and so are you, just like me, in that very dumb/genius kind of way.

B:  Yes, you and I are perhaps the greatest people on the planet.

M: We are definitely in the Darth Vader, Boba Fett, and Swamp Thing upper echelon. What does your nickname, “Chyld” mean?

B:  I go by Chyld, because it has been my nickname for so long. I got it, because I was considered “innocent” by all my friends for never drinking, smoking or taking anything illegal. That, and my child-like penis.

M: That’s funny, because I distinctly remember a drunken gathering at Aaron’s house, where everyone was tanked except for you. I was so sick that I had to lie down in Aaron’s bathtub, because the other rooms were full. This would be the infamous tub that Aaron soaked in for like 10 hours a day.

M:  Tell the weirdoes where they can find you on the internet.

B:  I’m at TA.CO all the time. It’s not MY website, it’s Taco Bell’s, but I’m always there. I think that address is brilliant, BTW. I’m constantly on Twitter @Chyld and on Vine under that username as well.

“I’m pretty excited, you know. What if the aliens are all, ‘we’re here to solve the world’s problems, like you know, fatness and what not.’” – Bacon Saves The World.