The Colossal Bitch or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Finger the Sphere
Larry, Darryl and Darryl were coming out of the roof access door, to the building directly underneath the floating prison, where Katie and Rose were being held.
“How do we reach it?” Darryl number two asked. “This is the highest point and it’s still a few meters over head.”
“More importantly, how is that thing still floating under that Katie chick’s additional weight?” Darryl number one asked.
“There’s our entry point,” Larry said as he pointed to the center of the ship, which hovered between their building and the one across the street. There were a number of antenna-like spires pointing down towards the ground.
“Hold the phone, boss,” Darryl number one said. “Your plan is to jump, isn’t it?
“We can make it; we jump for the spires and shimmy up into the port.”
“Even with the weapons?”
“I’ll go first; put what you can in the duffle and toss it to me. Piece of cake.”
Darryl number two started packing. He was down for whatever; he was just excited and ready to catch some shit on fire.
“Alright,” Darryl number one sighed. “Gotta die somehow.”
Larry left his sniper rifle, because it would not be practical in the close quarters of the ship. Stepping back a few feet, he squatted slightly and lined himself up. He ran as hard and as fast as he could. As he reached the end of his runway, he made his leap. With one hand, he found the spire and he slid down about two yards, before almost slipping free completely. As he hung there, just inches from the tip, he shot the Darryl’s a little smile.
“Just be glad you grabbed it with your whacking hand.” Darryl number one yelled.
Larry shimmied up into the craft and disappeared.
“That lucky sonovabitch is gonna live forever, D.” Darryl number one said.
Darryl left behind what he could, and took his place where Larry started. He looked at his target for a second, then shook his head and stepped back a few more feet. “Here goes nothing.” He bounced half a dozen times, before sprinting for the edge and parting from the building’s edge as hard as he could. He reached out and caught two separate spires with each hand. The smaller spire snapped like a twig; Darryl spun free and began his decent. As he sank, Darryl number two ran to the edge, although he knew it was hopeless. He could hear his friend’s voice pulling further away. “Fuuuuuuck!”
Darryl number one’s life flashed before his eyes; it was boring as hell and almost all the excitement was packed into this day; In fact, the most exciting thing in his life was this fall. He realized in this short period of time, how much he enjoyed murdering aliens. If only he could kill a few more, but unfortunately, the ground had other plans for him. This was how he was going to die; he accepted his fate and closed his eyes. Darryl number one waited for the sudden stop. When it came, he was amazed at how little it hurt; in fact, he didn’t feel a thing. It almost felt as though he was floating upward. Was his soul being pulled to heaven? Darryl cracked an eye; he was enveloped in light.
“God, is that you?”
“No, you dick; it’s Larry,” Darryl number two called out from the rooftop.
Darryl number one focused on the source of the light; it was spewing from a sphere, much like the one that had captured the girls. Holding the sphere was Larry, he had figured it out just in the nick of time.
“I found the elevator,” Larry laughed.
“Oh you beautiful sonovabitch!” Darryl yelled out, as Larry used the sphere to reel him in. “How did you get it to work?”
“I just shoved my finger in this back hole.”
Darryl chuckled.”You fingered the sphere in the ass. Whatever, I don’t judge.”
Larry pointed the sphere in the other Darryl’s direction, and plunged his finger deep into its sphincter switch. The light shot out to snare Darryl number two; who was already jumping up and down in, anticipation of the ride like a kid at Disney World. Armed with only their pistols, a grenade and Darryl number two’s flamethrower, the team resumed their rescue operation.
“As much trouble as we’re going through,” number one said, “The shit in that box better be worth it.”
“Maybe it’s plutonium, and we can enrich it to make a nuclear weapon,” Darryl number two said.
“Don’t be an idiot; it’s not plutonium. Do you think those girls just bought some plutonium at the convenient store,” Larry said.
“Of course I don’t think they bought plutonium at the convenient store; they bought it off some Labias in the mall parking lot,” Darryl number two said.
“That’s Back to the Future dipshit,” Larry said. “And it’s Libyans.”
“Oh… I’ve been saying it wrong this whole time?”
“Let’s move; we’re wasting time,” Darryl number one said.
The Secret Service Agents stealthily made their way down a hallway. The walls of the ship were made of some green gelatinous material that resembled ectoplasm. Larry turned the corner, and nearly collided with an alien. With his pistol already out, he blasted it in the face and the alien dropped, still wearing a look of surprise on its face. The last thing it had expected to see was a human aboard the ship. The group eventually came upon what looked like a door, except it didn’t have a knob. Darryl number one tried pushing the door, but it wouldn’t budge. They heard a noise and ducked behind a corner. Darryl number two peeped out from around the corner, and saw an alien stop in front of the door. The alien opened its mouth, made a strange sounding screech, and the door swung open. Darryl shot the alien in the head with his pistol and it dropped to the floor in a heap.
“Inside, quickly,” Larry shouted. They ran inside the room, where about twenty aliens were working and judging from the equipment, this was the control room. It almost looked like the set of Star Trek and indeed the aliens seemed to be pressing random buttons, just like in the series. The group had the element of surprise, and Darryl number two was going to capitalize on it.
“Hey assholes, guess what? You’re all fired!” He started the flamethrower and blasted a stream of fire. One by one, the aliens screamed and writhed in agony, as they burst into flames.
Larry covered his mouth; the stench of burnt alien was overwhelming.
“You’re all fired? That was the best you could come up with?” Darryl number one asked.
“It’s the best I could come up with on the spot.”
The ship started moving forward at an accelerated rate, causing the Agents to lose their footing and fall.
“What’s happening?” Darryl number two asked.
“You killed all the aliens’ dumbass and now there’s no one left to fly the ship. We are plummeting to the ground,” Larry said.
“Hurry, just press all the buttons,” Darryl number one yelled.
They pressed all the buttons in sight, but the ship was still descending at an alarming speed. Larry saw a lever and pulled it up with all of his strength and the ship slowly began to level off. “I think I shit my pants.” He then pressed the switch that was on the lever and let go. The ship stayed on course. “It’s on autopilot now.”
“Let’s keep moving; we need to find the girls,” Darryl number two said.
The Agents left the control room and came across another door, which looked identical to the first one. Once again, they tried to push the door open, but it didn’t budge.
“Try knocking,” Darryl number one suggested.
“Don’t be retarded; they don’t knock on doors,” Larry said, but just to humor him, he rapped loudly on the door and to his surprise, an alien opened it. Larry shot the alien in the face at point blank range and alien brains splashed all over his face. “OMG, that is so gross.” He wiped his face with his shirt sleeve.
Darryl number one giggled. “See, told you; some things are universal.”
Katie and Rose were in the center of the room, and it appeared as though they were levitating in mid air.
“What the hell? How are they floating in mid air like that?” Larry asked.
“They are probably being held by something we can’t see,” Darryl number one said and went over to a console to press a button.
“No, wait,” the girls shouted in unison, but it was too late, they hit the floor with a loud thud.
“Are you girls okay? They didn’t probe your ass or anything, did they?” Darryl number one asked.
“No, we’re fine,” Katie said. “Thank you.”
“Let’s get the hell out of here,” Daryl number one said.
Katie grabbed the shoebox that the aliens had left behind; fortunately, the turds were still safely inside. Just as they were about to leave the room, some sort of siren began to sound.
“Damn, it’s an alarm,” Larry said.
The group quickly made their way back to the porthole. Luckily, they were close to another rooftop. Rose climbed down first, and then Darryl number two and then Larry. Headed toward Katie and Darryl number one, were at least a dozen Inkaku if not more. Katie started to go through the porthole, but only got halfway in, before she realized she was stuck. The portal was narrow and although Rose, Darryl number two and Larry got through it easily, it was too small for Katie.
“I’m stuck,” she yelled.
Darryl number one started pushing her down. “Get your fat ass down there!” The aliens were almost upon them. Larry started pulling her legs from the bottom; she finally wedged through and fell right on top of him. He began to climb through with the aliens’ right on his tail.
Katie stood up, got her pistol out of her backpack and fired. She thought that Darryl number one had already cleared the porthole, but she was wrong. Katie screamed as Darryl fell to the ground; she had accidentally shot him in the chest.
“Oh no! I’m so sorry!”
“Here take this and throw it through the porthole,” he said and handed her a grenade.
Katie pulled the pin and threw the grenade, but it hit the edge and bounced back. She jumped out of the way, as it exploded and blew Darryl number one’s arm off. He cried out in pain, as blood drained from his chest and arm. The aliens were coming through the porthole and Darryl number two, fired up his flamethrower again and roasted them all.
Katie was holding Darryl number one’s hand, the only hand he had left. “I am so sorry,” she sobbed.
“You can’t aim for shit,” he said.
Darryl number two and Larry rushed to their friends’ side.
“Hold on bro,” Larry said.
Darryl number one was trying to say something. Katie bent down closer, so she could hear.
“What’s in the box?”
“Shush, don’t talk now; save your energy,” Katie said.
“I gave my life for that box to save mankind. What’s in it?”
Katie stared at him blankly. “I thought you knew. The box is filled with turds that we got from a Chipotle bathroom.” She opened it up and showed it to him.
Darryl number one’s eyes widened and once again his life flashed before his eyes and once again it was all very dull.
“You colossal bitch.” With the only hand he had left, he smacked the bottom of the box that she was holding and the turds flew up in the air, landing with a mushy thud like chocolate rain.
Darryl number one smiled and then he closed his eyes for the last time.
Eastwood was running down the hallway at NORAD toward the control room, where the others were awaiting the status of Air Force One and Two. They were all eager to leave and get to the NASA research facility, because they had been under constant attack since arriving. Eastwood’s first stop at Air Force One was disappointing. The Inkaku literally melted it down; the same way they melted fighter jets and missiles that came close to their ships. Air Force Two was still in perfect working condition, thanks to the fact that it missed every attack up until this point, but Eastwood wasn’t hurrying to the others to deliver that good news. He was rushing to warn them of the fleet of ships he spotted on the horizon headed their way.
“We have to go,” he yelled as he rounded the corner. “Now!”
“What is it, more Inkaku?” Stanley Johnson asked.
“There’s a lot more; more than we can handle.”
“What is the status of the transports?” The General inquired.
“Air Force One is pudding.” Eastwood points to the hallway, “We can still take Air Force Two, but the fleet is coming from that direction. I estimate that we have ten minutes, tops. Any later, and we’ll never lose them. Wait, where’s the President?”
“I’ll fetch him,” Kitty said as she turns and runs out of the room.
“He went to the break room with that NASA guy, to find some bottled water or wet naps; he kept trying to touch everyone with his shitty hands,” Yukon said.
The President and Dr. Rommel walked into the break room and immediately they noticed it was wrecked. An alien body was on the floor by the refrigerator, and thawed frozen food entrees were scattered around the floor.
“What the hell happened here?” Dr. Rommel asked.
As soon as the words left his lips, a figure sprung up from behind the couch. It was the President’s missing secretary, Marietta Lewinsky. She was feral and nearly naked; her wifebeater was wet and completely see through. Her black, knee high boots, only accentuated the dish towel hanging from her belt. It was the only thing separating her dirty bean taco, from the rest of the world. Dr. Rommel was equal parts excited and frightened. Stepping back in an attempt to exit the room, his foot found a defrosted Salisbury steak dinner and he lifted off the ground, like a cartoon character slipping on a banana peel. Upon landing, his head struck the door and he collapsed unconscious, like a wet towel, blocking Evan’s escape.
“Marietta… this isn’t you. You can fight this.”
The zombified Marietta, pushed the couch aside and came at Evan full force. With a quick step, Evan dodged the attack and made his way toward the counter, to put distance between them. He looked around to find something to defend himself with. Marietta was back on him before he could turn around. Jumping onto his back, she began clawing at his head. Evan spun and bucked like a county fair bull, but she would not release her hold on him. Evan backed into the wall as hard as he could, and Marietta let out a shriek as she lost her grip on him. Shaking off the attack, Evan reached for the fridge and pulled it forward onto the alien, in order to get something between him and the crazed, half-naked secretary.
“Stop it, Marietta! I don’t want to hurt you!”
Marietta stood up and looked at Evan, as he prepared for her next attack. She stood there, breathing heavy and he turned her gaze to the doctor, who was just beginning to wake.
She went for him…
“No!” Evan cried, but she was upon the doctor in no time, gassing him before he realized what was happening. His face turned blank and he rose up, a shell of his former self. Evan now faced two attackers, but all he could think about, was how the solution may be buried inside the head of the zombie doctor before him.
Evan surveyed the room for potential weapons. He didn’t want to kill either of them, but his choices were limited. It was kill or be killed… or be turned. Marietta pounced first, followed instantly by Fritz. Evan did his best to avoid their attacks, but they were on both sides of him and scratching at him furiously. As they clawed at him, the doctor ripped Evan’s jacket pocket and from it, fell a cigar in an aluminum case; he had forgotten he had it. His plan was to save it for a special occasion.
This occasion seems special enough, he thought.
Evan picked up the cigar and thrust it into Marietta’s eye. He then grabbed her with both hands, while she was stunned, and pushed her backwards into the overturned fridge. As he spun back around toward Fritz, he connected with a left jab, which snapped the doctor’s head back like a Pez dispenser. For the second time since they entered the break room, Dr. Rommel fell to the floor. Evan noticed the fire extinguisher on the wall by the stove and went for it. He pulled the pin and turned, to discover Marietta was closer than when he left her. She was now directly in front of him, cigar and all. He fired the canister, but she had already belched out her noxious gas in his face.
The room filled, as the extinguisher’s contents continued to spill from the canister, blocking Kitty’s view. She arrived just in time to see the President drop out of sight.