Meanwhile… In The Bat Cave Bathroom….
The status of the room changed from quiet, to what can only be described as deafening silence. Eyes were wide and jaws were dropped, save for The President’s husband and his Chief of Staff, Hank “Eggs” Benedict.
Kitty was in disbelief; she was not expecting this and many thoughts ran through her mind. Has President Bacon gone insane? Who will hire me after this? Aliens are hard enough to believe but… Vampires? Better yet, aliens, farting zombies, and vampires? Am I dreaming?
She turned to look at Eggs. He was already looking at her and simply nodded as if to say, “It’s true, so get your shit together.”
Marietta and Fritz were rubbing the backs of their necks, feeling the puncture wounds they hadn’t noticed until now, like a cut that doesn’t hurt until you look at it.
“Kitty?” Evan said to pull her back into play.
“Umm, yes, ah… Right. Mr President. So you’re…”
“Yeah- I mean, yes. Well…”
“You’re safe Kitty; I’m on your side. My kind haven’t killed a human in hundreds of years. We have… Evolved.”
“Well… So… How do we know you are… You know…”
Evan cocked his head slightly. He gave the most subtle of smiles and then reminded Kitty to remain calm. Slowly his lips parted and he ever so carefully opened wide, revealing his canine teeth, which were already lengthening into fangs. Fritz fainted.
“Oh fuck, oh fuck, of fuck!” Kitty let slip, forgetting they were still broadcasting.
“Mrs. Catan, you’re okay. I know this is a bit much to ask, but there are people out there listening to this and they have questions; as I’m sure you do too.”
“Yes sir, I apologize. Please don’t eat me.”
“Kitty, we don’t eat people, at least not anymore. I made one exception when I bit Dick Cheney,” Evan said.
Everyone nodded their heads, because that explained a lot about him.
Kitty tried to calm herself. She gathered enough courage to look at Evan again. His fangs were hidden and that helped assuage some of her fear.
“Are we good?” Evan asked with a smile.
“Kittens and dildos, Mr President. Kittens and dildos.”
“Glad to hear it.”
“Mr President, I guess my first question is, how can you and the vampires stop the aliens?”
“Well Kitty, as I mentioned earlier, I was attacked just moments ago. As a vampire, we have increased strength and agility. We can overpower the zombies and, as I just found out during my attack, restore them once bitten. Dr Rommel, who has been researching the aliens we’ve defeated, believes they are very similar to humans. He informed me that they have blood rich in iron and oxygen. If this is the case, we can drain them.”
“Okay, that sounds a little frightening.”
“We don’t do this to humans anymore. We can survive without human blood. We just need blood, any blood rich in oxygen. You see Kitty, we are undead; just like all the stories you’ve heard. So, we don’t breathe, but we still need oxygen. We process it from blood.”
“But, you still eat and drink; I’ve seen you do it. Isn’t that supposed to make you sick?”
“No,” Evan chuckled. “We still need water and vitamins too. Vitamins we get from food just like you; we were human once, after all. We need the exact same things. Our bodies are made up of all the same ingredients as before; we just don’t breathe. That’s why we need blood.”
“Alright, now I have a ton of new questions. If you don’t kill, how do you create more vampires?”
“If you are bitten by an animal a vampire drank from, you become a vampire after you die, unless you were burned or decapitated. The main Nosferatu carrier is dogs. Their hair hides our bites. Almost all dogs have it. We avoid cows or deer or anything a person may consume. That’s why dogs are the animals of choice. Japan is 99.9% Nosferatu by-the-way.”
“That explains a lot about Japan,” Kitty said.
“When we restore the zombies, they won’t be vampires at least not right away; not until they die.”
“That’s fascinating, but what about the sun?!”
“Oh, we love the sun. Most of the things you’ve heard about us, have been made up to throw humans off the trail. For instance, we do have a reflection; we’re not ghosts. But if you see my reflection, see me out during the day, or even watch me touch water without multiplying, then you’re less likely to suspect I’m a vampire.”
“Um, I think that last one is something else.”
Evan smiles at Kitty. She realizes he’s just trying to put her at ease.
“So, over the years you’ve managed to mold untruths to your advantage. That’s smart. Wait! Can you fly?” Kitty asked.
“Of course we can; you can fly too. Everything can fly after it dies. Dead humans just lack the motivation.”
“Wow, Mr. President, I’m overwhelmed. What about things like garlic, crosses and Holy water?”
“It’s all a fabrication to throw people off the trail.”
“So stakes to the heart won’t stop you?”
“Don’t be stupid; anything rammed through your heart will kill you.”
“Oh, right. Well Mr. President, I think this covers most of the initial questions. OH MY GOD THE ALIENS! I forgot all about them.”
“I guess that means the interview went well.”
“I guess so, Mr. President. So what shall we do now?”
“It’s time we take our planet back. I ask that all my vampire siblings come out of hiding, and I ask everyone else to not panic and start staking them. You have nothing to fear from us.”
Kitty thanked Evan and signed off. Stanley flipped a few switches to end the broadcast. Mick joined Evan as the group gathered around them; still stunned and full of questions.
“You knew?” Kitty asked of Eggs.
“Yes,” he responded plainly.
“I’m sure you all have questions. Mick and I will explain everything on the way to Air Force Two. It’s time we head back to Washington,” Evan said.
Mick smiled at his lover; everyone was finally meeting the real Evan Bacon. The man he met and fell in love with the night he turned…
On the edge of an unknown river, in some unknown town, Mick Cage is just waking up. Cold, naked, and face down in the muddy bank.
“Wha… What happened? Where the fuck am I? How did I get here?”
In the distance, behind the trees, he hears a voice respond, “All good questions; perhaps I can help.”
A figure steps out slowly, into the bright light of the full moon. A man… dressed in a tuxedo.
“You’re a little overdressed for a walk in the woods,” Mick slurred.
“And you’re a little under dressed for it,” the man replied. “I’m Evan and you are?”
“Confused. Why are you in a tux? Where am I? Are you here to kill me?”
“I’ve just come from a formal dinner. You are on the bank of the Dan River in Danville, Virginia, and no, you’ve already died once tonight. That’s more than enough, don’t you think?”
“Yes. Wait, what?!”
“Danville. It’s in southern Virginia.”
“No. The death part.”
“Ah, yes. You died. You died and were… Reborn.”
“So you’re either crazy or an angel.”
“I am neither; I am but a messenger. A guide if you will. I am somewhat responsible for your current… situation, and I’ve come to help.”
“I must be dreaming. That’s it; this is a dream.” Mick pushed his hands into the mud and let it seep through his fingers. “A very… elaborate dream.”
“You’re not dreaming. Now, pull your dick out of the mud and let’s go get you some clothes.”
Mick stands up and gets balanced. “I’m Mick, but how did you know I was here if you don’t even know who I am?”
The two begin to walk through the woods. The brightness of the moon dampened by the trees.
“Mick, let’s start from the beginning. What’s the last thing you remember?”
“I was in my dressing room. I’m an… actor. We just wrapped my latest movie. I was with a coworker and we were partying a little.”
“Partying?” Evan asked, hoping for some embellishment.
“You know the usual, drugs, sex, alcohol and more drugs.”
“I see, then what?”
“I just did a bump of coke… and then… and… Oh god, did I overdose?”
“Probably,” Evan said abruptly. “My guess is your coworker panicked and dumped you in the river. That would explain everything.”
“THAT BITCH!” Mick screamed into the night sky.
“Don’t plan your revenge on her just yet.”
“Excuse me?” Did you say him?”
“Yes, him; I’m bisexual. I’m…in porn, mostly gay porn. I’m a big gay actor in big gay pornos. There, it’s out there. Happy?”
Evan smiled a little. “I don’t care if you’re gay or straight, or that you’re in porn. I’m just surprised is all.”
“It’s okay; I know others see me as a freak.”
“They won’t see you that way anymore,” Evan said, as he places his hand on Mick’s shoulder, unaffected by his nakedness or awkwardness.
Mick looked down at his cold, shriveled, muddy penis. “You think?”
Evan assured Mick. “From now on, others will adore you. They won’t care that you’re in porn and they won’t care that you’re gay. It’s like they sense you’ve died and they feel sorry for you. You’ve just begun a new life, Mick. It will be scary at first; you won’t believe me right away. You are about to embark on an incredible journey my friend, and I’m here to help.”
“Who the fuck are you?” Mick asked as he turns and stares into Evan’s eyes.
“That’s not the question you’re searching for.” Evan replied.
“Why did you wave your hand when you said that? What are you some kind of god damn Jedi?”
“Sorry, it was a poor joke. I was just trying to get you to relax a little.”
A pause lingers in the air as Mick concentrates on Evan’s face. His head tilts slightly, like a confused dog.
“What the fuck are you?”
“I am the same as you. I am… a vampire.”
Mick’s face remains unchanged. “No shit?”
“I am crazy. I am tripping balls, big, fuzzy balls.”
Instantly, Evan opened his mouth wide to reveal his razor sharp fangs and Mick screamed like a B-Movie horror flick actress from the early 80’s. Mick fell backwards to the ground; his muddy dick tucking in like a frightened turtle.
“Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck!”
“Easy, I’m not going to hurt you; you are safe now.”
“I’m tripping puffy pink puppy balls right now! You’re a vampire?! How is this possib- I’M A VAMPIRE?!”
“Try and calm down. You’re going to fly off and hurt yourself.”
“I can fly?”
“Yes, you can fly. I’ll explain everything in due time.”
“But how did I become– this? I wasn’t bitten by a vampire. I don’t think I was bitten by one at least. I don’t know, I have done a lot of drugs.”
“Were you ever bitten by a dog? Most of the time, it’s a dog.”
“What the fuck, are you fucking with me right now?”
“Okay, listen. Vampires don’t feed on humans anymore and we haven’t for awhile now. We still need blood though. You’ll come to find out that you need all the normal things you needed as a human, food, water, oxygen… You still need all these things to survive. You don’t breathe now; your lungs fill with air, yes, but it’s out of habit more than anything, like muscle memory. The way you get oxygen now, is through blood. Any blood will do, so we mostly feed on dogs. That’s why they sleep so fucking much; they’re drained. We never kill them though, because we don’t need that much. Cats on the other hand… They’re basically a onetime deal, like a jello shot. If you were ever bitten by a dog, you probably carry the vampire virus.”
“I was bitten by a dog years ago,” Mick said.
Evan placed his hand on Mick’s shoulder and guided him back into walking mode. “You won’t turn into a vampire until you die, unless; you are burned or decapitated or something really final, like old age or getting shot in the head.”
“Will I live forever?”
“No, you have a normal lifespan. Sorry, but you can’t get STDs or cancer; that’s a pretty sweet bonus.”
“Yeah, especially the STD part. You know, with my line of work. I guess now I will explode in sunlight? So that fucking sucks.”
“No, that and a few other things you’ve heard were made up to throw humans off our scent. Garlic, holy water, crosses, sunlight… all bullshit.”
“I have a lot to learn. Thank you, Evan.”
“No need to thank me. Somehow, I’m the reason you turned and that’s how I knew where and when to find you. You were probably bitten by a dog I fed from, that psychic connection is one of the stereotypes that is true.”
Mick turned again to stare into Evan’s eyes. “Is that why I find you so attractive?”
“No, that’s because I’m hot and you’re gay. Now let’s get you inside before your dick freezes off. Regeneration is unfortunately one of those stereotypes that doesn’t hold water.”
I can’t believe it’s her; the woman of my dreams. I’ve dreamed about this moment for a long time, but it isn’t how I pictured it. I wanted it to be romantic, instead of during the apocalypse and with a partially smudged penis on my forehead. Okay focus; get your game face on, Tad thought
He began to walk towards Rose, who was on the other side of the room. Each step seemed like an eternity, it felt like there was an entire ocean between them. He was almost there; he was just about to say something when a voice boomed out. “Everyone shut the fuck up; the President is on TV.” The voice belonged to Hook Jericho and everyone watched as the President addressed the nation live from NORAD. Tad’s dream moment would have to wait…again.
When the broadcast was over, there was a collective gasp in the room. Tom the Waiter was the first to speak. “I just can’t believe it.”
“I’ll say, the President has a wicked overbite,” Tad said.
“Those were fangs you idiot. Didn’t you hear what the President said? He is a vampire.”
Tad had not heard the President in fact, because once again he was staring at the Vice President’s boobs. Rose may be the girl of his dreams, but Honey’s boobs were the boobs of his dreams.
“He said he could turn those people back who had already been infected. He has the cure…I mean the cure is him,” Langhorne said.
The Vice President was the only one who didn’t seem surprised by the news.
“You knew about this didn’t you?” Hook asked.
“I knew the President was a vampire; it was something he told me when he ask me to join his ticket when running for President. He wanted to be up front and honest with me and he said if I didn’t what the nomination that he would understand. I said I did want it, and so he swore me to secrecy.”
“I guess we don’t have to throw poop at them anymore,” Katie said trying to brush out the dried poop in her hair.
“They drain the blood from dogs; that’s messed up,” Anna said.
Lorenzo was standing in the corner away from the group with a sheepish look on his face. He remembered back to a time when he had just opened his café. It had been open only three months and it wasn’t doing so well. He was on the verge of having to close down. The café had not caught on like he had hoped and if that weren’t enough, the price of beef had gone up dramatically. He would not be able to afford the meat in order to keep his business afloat. He went out into the alley behind his café; he was in tears. He felt like his dream of being a restaurant owner was over before it even begun. There was a pack of dogs scrounging around, looking for food. He told them to shoo, but they paid no attention to him and that’s when he got the idea. What about dogs? They are meat after all. That day meat was served to all of his customers, which was the same day the President walked in and ordered a sandwich. Once everyone heard that the President was there, the place has been booming ever since.
Half of Washington must be vampires. I better keep this little secret to myself, hey, he thought.
Now that the President’s address was over, Tad resumed his Sleepless in Seattle moment. Rose giggled. The penis that was on his forehead, now looked like a flaccid penis, thanks to the smudge. Once again with his suave ways, charm and cool demeanor he said, “Hey.”
“Hello, fancy meeting you here,” Rose said trying to ease some of the tension.
Geoff punched his brother in the arm and whispered, “say something you chode.”
“I like your blouse,” Tad said. Geoff shook his head in disgust.
“Thank you,” she said shyly. “I like your…” she paused and looked at his outfit. He was wearing a sweater vest and jeans that had grease stains on them. He did however have on a nice pair of Hyperdunks. “…shoes,” she finished.
Geoff took a picture of Tad’s sweater vest and posted it on Twitter with the caption, Barry Manilow’s wardrobe. He thought for a moment and then added #smudgedick.
“Thanks, I got them at the mall. You look pretty,” he blurted out.
Rose’s cheeks turned red matching her name. “Why do you have a flaccid penis on your forehead?”
“Melvin drew it on.” He didn’t have to elaborate, she and Katie had met him earlier and he had sent them dick pics. She now had a whole variety of dicks in her phone. “I can go wash it off.”
“No, that’s okay,” she said taking his hand in hers.
Tad could hardly believe it; he was holding hands with the girl of his dreams. Katie
watched her friend/secret love holding hands with Tad. She felt bitter sweet, because she was happy her friend had met Tad after all this time, but she couldn’t help feeling jealous. She finished brushing the poop out of her hair and walked over to Honey.
“Here’s your brush back.”
“Um..that’s okay, you keep it,” Honey said.
The Vice President addressed everyone in the room. “POTUS is alive and he has a plan. Anyone here know where we can find some vampires?”
The group looked around at one another. One by one their eyes were drawn to the couch and the one raised hand in the room. There Melvin sat, back to everyone, watching The Facts of Life on the big screen.
“You know a vampire?” Larry asked.
“You do too,” Melvin said. “And he’s trying to listen to Mrs. Garrett if you don’t mind.”