Cynical musings of an absurd mind.

Bacon Saves The World – Chapter 18 by Bryan Robertson & Marietta Rodgers



The Enema of My Enemy is My Friend

On the mother ship hovering miles above the earth is Supreme Ruler t’Evar Orbus. He has been overseeing the invasion from his jewel encrusted beanbag chair, which hovers in the center of the command room. He is twice the size of a normal Inkaku due to their crowning ritual performed when the new leader takes over. On his deathbed, the dying Supreme Ruler removes a tiny tube from his bellybutton that produces a type of Royal Jelly. He throws this creamy goo into a crowd and all those Inkaku fortunate enough to get slimed, have a chance at becoming the new Supreme Ruler. It looks a lot like the Kids’ Choice Awards. One by one, the chosen all take turns to see who gets covered with the most jelly. The champion will double in size overnight, and must devour the jelly-filled losers. It is a great honor among Inkaku to be eaten for their jelly. t’Evar Orbus has only been the Supreme Ruler of his people for four hundred years. Some in his inner circle, like his second in command, Mardji Th’Bantha, believed he lacked the experience to rule their people.

“¢^°÷{{{^¥¥°={°€,” said Mardjii in their ancient language of Grawlix. The English translation is roughly “We should have done more research, my Lord. These earthlings are tougher sons of bitches than we thought. They are not so easily eradicated.”

To which t’Evar replied, “%@*¥°∆~℅ !;!*>°^° ][√÷π\#@69. No shit.

t’Evar believed the humans would be too busy buried in their mobile devices to notice they were being decimated. This was not the case. They greatly underestimated their chances and now the humans figured out a way to transform their people back. The tide was starting to turn in the human’s favor. Mardjii saw this as a great opportunity to contest t’Evar’s rule. He reviewed their bylaws and found that a ruler could be removed, if it was determined that he or she was mentally unstable or incompetent, and thereby unable to make decisions and defend their kingdom. In such a case, rather than do the normal jelly ritual, the second in command automatically takes their place. Mardjii reviewed their historical records and had to go back several millennia, but he did find one instance where this had occurred. It seems that the Supreme Ruler, Tyysive was determined to be unfit for duties, because he suffered from delusions of grandeur. Unfortunately, for Mardjii, t’Evar was of sound mind and despite his age was as sharp as a 200 year old. What if something happened to him to change that? This is where Mardjii’s plan came into play. There is an insect called a Utrivu that administers a poison when bitten, the venom is not fatal, but it does slowly effects the brain and eventually makes them go mad. The problem is that Utrivu are extremely rare and can only be found in what the humans called, the Whirlpool Galaxy, because of its spiral shape. The Inkaku called it, Yofu%!# Grrru* which meant, “the shitty galaxy” because the weather was too cold, the species there were boring and there was nothing to do there. It would be extremely difficult to get a Utrivu, but Mardjii knew someone who could get one. La’burypraiv was a doctor and they called him, Murfa)^! “the mad scientist,” because he was always doing these weird experiments, in fact; he had planned to do experiments on the humans they captured, but they escaped before he had a chance. The doctor was an ally and is also one who believes the Supreme Ruler needed to go. t’Evar had threatened to shut down La’burypraiv’s experiments and revoke his medical license. Mardjii told him if he helped him depose the Supreme leader, he could continue to carry out his experiments as much as he wanted.

Mardjii walked down the hall to his laboratory. La’burypraiv’s laboratory is filled with peculiar specimens and instruments and his shelves are lined with body parts in jars of formaldehyde. The doctor is busy poking a Nargraw in the eye. Nargraws are large animals that have powerful jaws and hind legs. They can tear anything apart in a matter of minutes.

“T^^^^^) X+Y=Z78.” What are you doing? Mardjii asked.

“?P*^^^ #$9BBBBrrrrrr BV@!`~ I0+” Trying to find out why the Nargraw are so aggressive.

“BVC70 nnnF#! Ns !$$+- your mama %9= x~.” Maybe, it’s because you’re poking it in the eye.

“Y=%%cxW *+ +] l pr^# dQ> <’ lly.” That has nothing to do with it.

“Vuuut}\ Kr “MMMMMMMd#@ !%( BB vvvy?” Were you able to get what I asked?

The doctor refrained from poking the Nargraw in the eye, and its mighty jaws tried to snap at him as he reached up on his shelf and handed him a small jar. Mardjii looked at the insect. It was completely black, except for a tiny circle of red on its back, with ten legs, tiny pincers and eyes both in the front and rear of its body. It was hard to believe that such a tiny thing could administer such a powerful amount of poison.

“jjY* _+ #^vvvRN @bootyalien1 prt# IvRE. BBY&ppp+| 666.” You must be very careful with it and make sure you don’t get bitten yourself.

Mardjii nodded and left the doctor to his work. He would have to release the insect in t’Evar’s room while he slept. The only problem there is that there are always guards posted outside his room. Mardjii was already working on this problem. The guards rotated posts every week, and Mardjii knew the loyalties of two of the guards scheduled to relive the others tomorrow. He promised them both positions in his cabinet to assure their loyalty. For now though, he had to keep the Utrivu hidden and bide his time.


* * *

Back in the theater room at the White House, everyone was busy interviewing Melvin Morgan, who just recently became the most interesting person in the room. Full of nervous excitement, the gang continued hurling their inquires at him; each answer producing more questions. Melvin could smell the fear in the room and did his best to calm their nerves.

“You know I’m not gonna hurt you guys, right? I’m still the same ole Melvin as before.”

“Forgive us,” Anna said. “Its gonna take a bite of getting used to. SHIT! I mean- a bit of getting used to. Sorry.”

“It’s okay; it’s worth it just to finally be out in the open. You guys think there are any cherries in the kitchen?”

“How long have you been a vampire anyway?” Langhorne asked.

“All my life.”

“So you’ve been living a secret life for what, forty years or so?”

“Something like that.”

“Okay, everyone, we need to wrap this up. I just got a page from the General. The President is on his way back to Washington. We need to rendezvous with them when they land,” Honey said.

“You still have a pager?” Katie asked in disbelief.

“So you’re the one from the legends?” Tad said jokingly before returning his attention back to Rose.

“You heard the lady,” Larry said. “Let’s prepare to move. Hit the kitchen if you need a snack, and for Kanye’s sake, go to the can before we head out.”

As everyone started moving about, Honey grabbed Melvin by the arm before he could pass. She spoke softly to keep the conversation between the two of them. “All your life?”

Melvin just looked into her eyes.

“Forty years my fine ass. You’re him, aren’t you? You’re the one The President told me stories about.”

“Those are just stories. Now, if you’ll excuse me, those cherries aren’t going to eat themselves.”

“Don’t play coy with me; the President was very specific. Right down to the cherry addiction.”

“Cherries are universal. Everybody likes cherries; they are delightful.”

“I’m not buying it; I think you’re him. Why the games? They’re already afrai-”

Geoff interrupts before Honey can finish. “You guys coming or what?”

Yeah bruh,” Melvin said, then turns to look at Honey. “We’re done here.”

Honey motions to Melvin, “After you…”

As he passes, she continues in a hushed tone, “…Blacula.”

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