Bacon Saves The World – Chapter 21 by Bryan Robertson & Marietta Rodgers
Aliens Are People Too
The Supreme Leader of the Inkaku stood in silence. Everyone in the command room turned to look at him for direction. He slowly sat down on his floating beanbag throne and looked up to the ceiling, as if the words were floating above him, and he just needed to pluck the right one out of the air as it flew by.
No one wanted to be the first to speak. Through the use of sophisticated sphere drone technology, they had all just watched their greatest warriors ripped to shreds, without even having the opportunity to showcase any of their sweet ninja moves. The special ninja force known to the Inkaku as the, “Red Azhols” were taken from their homes as infants, and trained in the ancient fighting style of Buscemi for hundreds of years. Buscemi was created by an Inkaki hermit named Boui g’Eorge on their home planet’s flatest mountain, thousands of Earth years ago. It was basically just a system of flailing overhead arm waves ending in a headbutt.
The Supreme Leader believed the Red Azhols were the solution to the vampires that now threatened their victory over humanity. He had grossly underestimated their speed and ferocity. To be fair, no Inkaku could have foreseen these events, but Chief Officer, Mardji Th’Bantha believed he could parlay this loss into a win for his plan to overthrow Supreme Leader, t’Evar Orbus.
Mardjii slipped out of the room and headed to La’burypraiv’s laboratory, to make all the necessary preparations. The sound of the doors closing together snapped t’Evar out of his daze. His Earth Campaign advisor, w’Alterwhite, was beside him. t’Evar let out a massive roar, and with one hand, picked his advisor up by the throat.
“w’Alterwhite,” which translated to, You assured me they would be easily defeated!
“Your greatness, these vampires were believed a myth; even by the earthlings. Our research led us to believe they only had the power to sparkle in sunlight and love endlessly.”
“Enough! Even the humans have it in them to defeat us! Literally! You mean to tell me after years of abductions and research, you failed to notice they emit methane, hydrogen sulfide and sulfur from their bottom mouths? The three deadliest poisons to our people?”
“Forgiveness, your wonderfulness. We outsourced our entire human research department. The little green men from the planet Mars spearheaded the entire project. They never released the chemical makeup of the bottom mouth gases.”
“You have jeopardized this entire war, w’Alterwhite!”
With a twist of his wrist, t’Evar snapped w’Alterwhite’s neck. His body went limp and t’Evar tossed him to the side of the room like a rag doll.
“Take him to La’burypraiv’s laboratory for species reassignment. Inform La’burypraiv that I want him modified right away. Let’s see how these humans and vampires fair against the might of a Stamp Zzod.
Mardji was already on his way to La’burypraiv’s laboratory, but first he really needed to use the bathroom. He’d been so busy that he had not had a chance to go. This was also his first free moment to wonder why t’Evar was not dead.
How is he not dead yet? How had the Utrivu not killed him? This could be a problem, he thought.
He looked at the selection of magazines on the magazine rack and finally decided on Space Boobs. It was a fairly raunchy magazine, not as classy as Intergalactic Muffs. Mardji went into the bathroom and sat down on one of the toilets. Inkaku toilets all resembled thrones, because they saw pooping as a sacred ritual and wanted each and every Inkaku, to feel like a king or queen when they had to do their business.
Mardji flipped right to the centerfold, which was a female from the planet Arrakis, they were known for their spices. He stared at her five boobs and noticed there was a smudge on one of them. Mardji was going to wipe off the smudge with his thumb, but before he could, he realized his mistake. The smudge was no smudge at all; it was the Utrivu. The hideous black insect, with its ten legs, eyes both in the front and back of its body and sharp pincers, leaped onto Mardji’s arm and pinched him.
He screamed and knocked the Utrivu off his arm. He tried to crush it with his foot, but the Urivu was too fast for him and scurried away. Mardji took a step to run after it, but he still had his pants down and fell face forward. He lay on the bathroom floor, with his pants down; he was still holding the magazine. The poison was already coursing through his veins. He tried to think about his life, frantically trying to remember a good memory, a time when he was happy, but he couldn’t think of one. All he could think about was the fact that this is how he was going to meet his end. He couldn’t help it; he had to laugh out loud.
This has got to be the most unusual death ever, he thought and indeed it would later go in the top five among Inkaku deaths. The number one most unusual death was an Inkaku named Blodpvint. He was trampled during a Yaratuplack parade. Yaratuplack were tiny, midget like creatures that lived on the planet Ilipco. That wasn’t the thing that killed him though, while he was lying on the ground, someone dropped part of a sandwich that managed to get in his mouth and make him choke. A Yaratuplack saw him choking, and tried to give him the Heimlich maneuver, but he was too small to wrap his tiny arms around him. He then decided to kick Blodpvint in the balls, thinking the pain might make him spit up the sandwich, which it did not. Blodpvint was now choking and holding his balls, when lightning struck him, finally putting him out of his misery.
Mardji clasped Space Boobs close to his chest and gasped his last breath; the Chief Officer had met his end.
The janitor walked in, an Inkaku named Fartron, who was pushing a cart, that had a bucket and all his cleaning supplies on it. He picked up a bottle of bleach-like solution and that’s when he noticed Mardji lying on the floor with his pants down. Fartron dropped the bottle and it landed on the floor, spilling the cleaner everywhere.
“Vragidlilu$$$!/” cxi+64 2#!*,” he said aloud, which roughly translated to, Kanye Christ!
Fartron tried to pull the magazine out of Mardji’s hands. Even after death, he still had a firm grip on it. He finally yanked it out of his hands and looked at the cover. Fartron looked at Mardji and then looked again at Space Boobs. He didn’t need to wonder any further how he died; it was very apparent.
An hour later, it was time for Mardji’s funeral. The Inkaku didn’t like to wait long after someone’s death to have a funeral; they already smelled bad enough when full of life, but mainly because they never spent any time developing DVR technology, and no one wanted to miss their shows. All the Inkaku on the mother ship were dressed in plaid. Unlike at Earth funerals, where everyone wore black, the Inkaku wore plaid to show that they were in mourning. The Supreme Ruler, t’Evar was giving the eulogy.
“Chief Officer, Mardji Th’Bantha is dead. He died bravely in battle.” He had to pause and wait for the laughter to die down. It didn’t take long for the real cause of death to circulate, because Fartron, the janitor, posted it on Reeter, which was a very similar social media site to Earth’s Twitter.
“He was four hundred and twenty five years old. He had no family or friends, but he was loved by everyone. He will be missed.” t’Evar looked solemn, but on the inside he was overjoyed.
That idiot thought I didn’t know about his plan to try and take me out, he thought. t’Evar was very much aware of his second in commands ambitions. He had his guards very carefully catch the Utrivu, and place it in the one place that he was sure Mardji would look. The bug did its job and no one was the wiser. No autopsy would be ordered, because cause of death was obvious.
t’Evar raised his hand, which was the sign that the customary Inkaku ritual could begin. The Inkaku lined up. single file, each holding a fruit in their hands. One by one, they stepped up and hurled them at the face of Mardji. The Inkaku believed this brought good fortune in the afterlife; they also thought it was a lot of fun. After the last Inkaku was finished, the Supreme Ruler ordered the coffin to be cast out the airlock, where it could drift peacefully for the rest of eternity, or possibly collide with an asteroid and get shattered to bits.
The coffin was put on a conveyor belt, where Mardji slowly moved down and out the airlock. It reminded t’Evar very much like the death of Spock from the earth movie Star Trek: the Wrath of Khan. He wanted to yell, Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan, or in this case Mardjiiiiiiiiiiiiii, but he resisted the urge.
More like the Wrath of t’Evar mutha fucka, he thought.
Mardji’s dark brown coffin fired out slowly toward the stars, while everyone turned to leave and head back to their battle stations. Mardji’s coffin could be seen through the huge observation window, but no one stayed to watch. A shame really, because Mardji’s coffin was almost instantly struck by MTV’s speeding satellite, and the two objects quietly exploded into a billion tiny pieces of metal, sparks and flesh. The site was something to behold, but the scene was lost to everyone.
That very moment on Earth, in a tiny apartment in Manhattan, Carson Daily dropped his souffle; which he just pulled from the oven. His wife ran to him as he buckled over and dropped to his knees. She asked him what was wrong, to which he replied… I don’t know. I felt… a great disturbance, as if a millions of musicians suddenly cried out and were suddenly silenced.
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