THE MORDANT SCRIBE

Cynical musings of an absurd mind.

Bacon Saves The World – Chapter 23 by Bryan Robertson & Marietta Rodgers

kevinbacon

Balls of Fury

Yukon and Eastwood entered the White House, while everyone waited right outside. For the White House to be open like this, did not bode well. Numerous windows were busted; there obviously was an attack either by rioters, looters or aliens. Sometimes, in extreme circumstances such as these, people were more dangerous than monsters.

There were bodies scattered in disarray about the floor, but none were human. They were all alien. Their suits were different than what they had previously seen. These aliens seemed to go for a less armored, more streamlined look, but it did them no good apparently.

From the looks of things, they didn’t stand a chance. Maybe things were looking up. Outside, Lunchbox and Eggs were keeping watch as Kitty, Marietta and Fritz took what little rest they could.

Yukon peeked around the busted door to the others outside.

“It’s clear; there’s no one here, just some lifeless aliens. Prepare yourselves though; it’s a massacre in here. Whoever killed these guys made a big mess.”

“There’s no one here?” Kitty asked as Yukon helped her up. “I thought surely we’d find someone.”

“What the hell do we do now? Where do we go?” Marietta asking no one in particular.

“Perhaps we can find some clues as to where everyone went,” Fritz said.

Eggs turned to him, “You need to keep focused on figuring out these aliens, like what makes them tick and how to destroy them.”

“I’ve never stopped thinking about it. I keep running what I know in my head over and over again. Sure, a lab would be preferred, but until I can run some actual tests, all I have are theories.”

“I’ll bite. What’s your theory?” Lunchbox asked.

“Well, a typical fart is composed of about 59 percent nitrogen, 21 percent hydrogen, 9 percent carbon dioxide, 7 percent methane and 4 percent oxygen. About one percent is hydrogen sulfide gas and mercaptans, which contain sulfur.”

“Oh, I am really sorry I asked,” Lunchbox said apologetically to the group.

“No, listen. I think one or more of these components is highly toxic to the Inkaku. It may be as simple as finding which one, or which combination is the culprit. In the right quantities, we may be able to fight them chemically with no side effects to us whatsoever. My money is on hydrogen sulfide, sulfur and methane, but until I test the theory, it’s just that… A theory.”

Eggs placed his hand on Fritz’s shoulder. “Well let’s get you to a lab then, Weirdo.”

Suddenly, Kitty screamed out a warning to everyone. In the distance a ship dropped out of the clouds. The group ducked into the White House and peeked out of the busted windows to see what was happening.

A bay door opened at the belly of the ship and dozens of spheres rushed out, and zoomed over the White House.

“What the fuck is happening?” Marietta asked.

“Come on, let’s head to the roof and see if we can get a better vantage point,” Eastwood said.

The group ran upstairs and cautiously out onto the roof. Eastwood reminded everyone to stay low and out of sight. Looking out, they could see the spheres swarming the ground and firing on a small group of people.

“That’s the President!” Kitty yelled.

Eastwood darted off to the right, where there was an abandoned sniper rifle on the ground, presumably from a sniper who abandoned his post in a rush, and began firing at the spheres closest to the President. He took out two and caught the attention of President Bacon. Through the scope, Eastwood could see the President yelling orders to the others, and they began running back to the White House. Eastwood fired just once more, before emptying the rifle. Luckily, that shot hit a sphere just right and it crashed into three others, before it came to rest and exploded. The ones that were hit followed suit.

“Great shot!” Yukon cheered.

“Look!” Eggs exclaimed, as he pointed to a hulking figure carrying a body over its shoulder into a building opposite the others.

“We have to save them,” Kitty said.

“We have to save the President!” reacted Eggs.

Yukon agreed with Eggs. “He’s right; we have to save the President first.”

A few of the spheres broke formation and started heading for the roof.

“We need to move! Now!” Eastwood yelled as he tossed the rifle aside.

The group ran downstairs, not knowing who had survived the attack, or who they would run into.

 

* * *

 

t’Evar Orbus enjoyed all the perks of the position of being Supreme Leader, including the premier cable package. He was currently watching the Earth show, Game of Thrones. His army commander, Yomamasaid, walked in his room without knocking and t’Evar quickly put his pants back on.

“Damn it Yomamasaid! You need to knock next time; you can’t just barge into someone’s room.”

“Sorry, Supreme Leader.” Of course Yomamasaid knew he should knock, but choose not to because he thought it was funny. “I have an update on the attack.”

“Well, what is it? You can see I’m busy here.”

“We have conquered most of the Earth, all except for the United States and that place they call Russia.”

“What is happening in Russia?”

“Someone named Putin killed a lot of men single handedly. The Inkaku he did not kill, joined one of his organizations called the, Foreign Intelligence Service. They seem to idolize the man now, and they all have taken off their shirts,” Yomamasaid said.

t’Evar just waved his hand. “Whatever, we will worry about them later. More importantly, I want this President of the United States and all of his people dead.”

“As you know, they wiped out all of our ninjas, so we deployed hyper depth charges, but the President and his friends seem to be taking them out.”

t’Evar paused Game of Thrones and swiftly kicked his army commander in his alien balls. Yomamasaid who always wore a cup, only flinched.

“You idiot! Of course they are going to take them out, if they’ve taken out our elite ninja force; they can easily take out our depth charges. I guess I have to do everything myself,” t’Evar said and stormed out of the room.

He walked down the hall right to La’burypraiv’s lab. t’Evar had to walk through a maze of glass jars filled with formaldehyde and weird heads. There was also a female Inkaku blow up doll and a stack of Space Boobs’ magazines.

Hey, I’ve been looking for this issue, he thought as he rolled up last month’s and put it down his pants and under his shirt. He saw the “doctor” hunched over a robotic arm.

“What the hell, La’burypraiv! Why do you have so much weird shit in here?”

The doctor looked up at t’Evar. He had on head gear with thick lenses attached to it, so he could better see what he was doing. His eyes looked like giant glazed donuts when you looked at them from the outside.

“I find it all very useful. Believe me, nothing goes to waste. In fact, if it wasn’t for this, ‘weird shit’ I wouldn’t have been able to modify the Stamp Zzod as you requested.

“That’s why I’m here. Is he done yet? I need to send him to Earth to take care of some Earth assholes.”

“He is almost ready. The Latreen worms need about ten more minutes to finish eating away Mardjii’s frontal cortex, then I just need to make one last modification. I am giving him the legs of an Utapruty, so he will have super speed and agility.”

“Okay, well hurry up. I’m beginning to tire of these Earthlings. What are you working on there?”

“I’m programming this robotic arm to give people the finger and make other obscene gestures. I’m going to patent it and sell my product on the Galactic Exchange. Everybody will want one. Just think, when some other spaceship cuts you off in traffic, you just let robot arm do the talking. It also doubles as a sex tool.”

robot arm

La’burypraiv’s robot arm.

 

The Galactic Exchange is the equivalent to Earth’s Amazon. “Huh, put me down for three of them. I think that might make a nice stocking stuffer. Okay, let me know as soon as the Stamp Zzod is ready.”

t’Evar left the weird doctor to his weirdness and headed to the command control room. The room was completely empty.

Where the hell is all my staff?

He could hear shouting coming from just outside the room. He went over to the break room and looked in the window. Two of his staff were fighting, while the rest of them were in a circle surrounding them. They were laughing, clapping and some were taking bets.

t’Evar kicked the break room door in. “What the hell is this, some kind of god damn Fight Club?”

Everyone begins to scatter, like cockroaches when the light has been turned on. One Inkaku dropped the money he was holding and ran. t’Evar picked up the money and put in his pocket. He walked back into the control room, where everyone had resumed their positions.

“Somebody give me a status report.”

“Sir, the President and his friends are defeating our hyper depth charges,” the Staff Sergeant said.

“I know that already dumbass. I want to know where they are now.”

“Sorry sir, the President and his friends are in the Shit House.”

“That’s White House someone else corrected.”

“We’ve located them all there, except for the ones a few hyper charges managed to kill. Four of them have gone off our scopes.”

“How could they go off our scopes?”

“They are probably in a sex dungeon; they’re all over the place down there. All the surgical steel interferes with our sensors.”

“Alright, keep trying to take out that pain in the ass President, while that quack finishes modifying the Stamp Zzod. Let me know if there are any changes.” t’Evar took out the issue of Space Boobs from his pants. “I need to go to the bathroom.”

 

* * *

 

Rose and Tad hurry downstairs, into one of the three sex dungeons located within a one mile radius from the White House, where Katie and Apollo Greyskull, commonly known as Tom the waiter, are rounding up supplies.

“Rose! I’m so glad to see you. In all the confusion, I didn’t know who made it out of there,” Katie said and noticed Tad’s face darkened.

“He doesn’t know what happened to Geoff,” Rose said in a hushed tone.

“Oh. Oh no. Tad I’m sorry; I’m sure he’s okay.

Tad was uncharacteristically quiet.

“How did you guys find us?” Apollo asked in hopes of shifting the topic.

“We were pinned down next door. Tad and I saw you run in here and we thought you were carrying Geoff. After those things left, we ran over here to find you and Tom the waiter.”

“Actually, my name is Apol-”

“OMG! Is this another sex dungeon?” Rose interrupted.

“Yes,” Apollo sighed.

“How many sex dungeons are in this town?”

“That’s what I said!” Katie expressed gleefully.

“Where did those spheres go?” Apollo asked.

“They went after the others. I think they flew off in the direction of the White House.”

“Then we need to get to the White House,” Apollo said in a spot on David Caruso impersonation.

“Dude,” Rose said. “When did you get so bad ass?”

Before he could respond, Tad said, “He’s right. My brother is there. I know it. I can feel it.”

“Sweetie,” Rose said as she placed her hand in his. “You’re sitting on a Sybian.”

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