What would Mars be like if Americans took it over? Well, to quote from the movie Space Balls, “Oh shit; there goes the planet.” Move over Ray Bradbury, there’s a new chronicle to be written, one with superstores, shitty movie remakes and diabetes and it’s called, ‘Murica 2. The greatest country on Earth, has now just become the greatest planet in the solar system. But before we get ahead of ourselves and start building a Build-A-Bear Workshop, we would have to mark the territory with a giant American flag and then say the Pledge of Allegiance.

What religion would Americans practice on Mars? What could be more appropriate than Scientology. It’s finally right where it belongs; in outer space. Welcome to the Mars Church of Scientology founded by Tom Cruise, where everyone is welcome. HaHa…just kidding poor people. The book Dianetics has been replaced with the script of Top Gun, which you must purchase a page at a time. Once you have the entire script and your IQ has dropped by 20 points you’ve achieved enlightenment. Yes, the Mars Church of Scientology, where you can be spiritually enlightened for the right price.

What type of government would Americans have on Mars? There would be a two party system, but unlike complicated presidential primaries, where the rules vary from state to state, two candidates would be selected through rigorous games of Twister. The last two people left from either party, will then face off in Thunderdome. Two people enter, one person leaves to become the President. Terms will only last two weeks and then it’s on to another election cycle. Congress would be made up of monkeys, orangutans and baboons, just like in America now. Instead of Secret Service for life, each former president will get a life time membership to Planet Fitness.

Which businesses get to be on an American Mars? Parcels of land will be sold off to the highest bidder. Mars would soon be filled with Applebee’s, Wal-Mart’s, Starbucks’ and garish skyscrapers with the words, “Trump Tower” stenciled on the front. All major manufacturing jobs will be outsourced to Venus in order to keep the costs of products low. Not all parcels of land would be available for commercial use though; I mean otherwise there would be no place for Exxon Mobile and BP to drill.

Finally, how would the average everyday Joe and Jane spend their days on Mars? The same way as they do in America, with their heads down looking at their phones and salivating at the mouth, as they sit down at McDonald’s waiting for a super-sized, triple bacon burger, fries and of course, a diet Coke. Yes, the places on Mars have Wi-Fi, don’t be silly, otherwise we’d walk, because that’s a deal breaker. Fire all the guns you want, because the fun never stops and neither do the bullets, literally. So, come to Mars, because you might be a fat on Earth, but here on Mars you’re light as a feather.