A Salute to Those Who Came Before: 2016 Republican Presidential Coverage


It’s been a tumultuous year. We’ve laughed; we’ve cried; we got a lobotomy. The 2016 Republican primary was a fight to the death. A fight to the end, to see which candidate Jesus would support. In the immortal words of Charles Dickens “It was the worst of times; it was the worst of times.”

Let’s start with one of my favorites, and everyone’s favorite extreme anti-gay, anti-immigration, anti-abortion, anti-Muslim, soup-loving Senator of Texas, Fat Dracula Ted Cruz. The worst thing to come out of Canada since Nickelback and Justin Bieber. He believes firmly in the bible, but not in climate change, because we all know that only the bible has been scientifically proven. After retiring from being the Zodiac Killer, he became Solicitor General of Texas, where he defended the display of the 10 Commandments on the grounds of the State Capitol, supported restrictive voter ID laws and helped defend a law criminalizing the sale of dildos. Thank God, because dildos were taking away the jobs of hard working sexual men.

Let’s not forget about the Senator of Florida and your favorite member of Menudo, Marco Rubio. Another anti-abortionist, who believes life begins as soon as Ronald Regan’s corpse says it does. He’s against stem cell research, raising the minimum wage, {pauses to take awkward sip of water} same sex marriage, climate science and the legalization of marijuana. He’s also available for parties.

Chris Christie is the love child of J. Edgar Hoover and Joseph McCarthy, but you probably know him as the worse Governor ever of New Jersey. His hobbies include eating, getting winded and shutting down bridges.

Who is John Kasich?

Let’s not forget about the lovable Rip Van Winkle, Ben Carson. The man who speaks slowly, but carries a big knife. The Neurosurgeon, who likes to take naps before, during and after surgery. The man who said that, “gayness must be a choice, because men who were raped in prison come out gay” and “evolution is a fairy tale created by the devil.” Hey, but he’s a neurosurgeon, so he must be smart. He also said he doesn’t “see” any global warming. It’s probably because he’s not wearing his special global warming sunglasses. Don’t get in an argument with him though, cuz he will stab a bitch.

Jeb Bush, former Governor of Florida and known as the, “smart brother.” He was the one everyone thought had the nomination in the bag and would be the one facing-off with Hillary. Sure he might have low energy, but he has high hopes of being a Fox News commentator. He is currently making his living by charging $20 per warm kiss.

It wouldn’t be a Presidential race without Mike Huckabee, former Governor of Arkansas, Christian minister and lead singer of Stryper. He likes to Snapchat with Kim Davis and he believes that marriage should only be between a man and Jesus.

There was also the Senator from Kentucky, Rand Paul, son of Ron Paul, son of Arathorn, King of Gondor. He was called,”the sane one, kind of.” He is anti-abortion, but pro volumizing shampoo.

You might remember the Governor of Pennsylvania and sweater vest enthusiast, Rick Santorum. If you can’t remember his last name, just think of the word sanitarium. He doesn’t believe in contraception, gay marriage, global warming or empathy. He thinks moms should be at home and not working. He is currently working in a cigarette factory in 1955.

I’ve saved the best for last; the misogynist, bigot, homophobe, xenophobe, rambling- idiot, reality TV star, President-elect, Donald Trump. His slogan is, “make America grab pussy again.” He is the man every woman would love to work for, the kind that sexually harasses you and then threatens to fire you if you say anything. The Pope did not endorse him, but don’t worry Christians, he was endorsed by the Ku Klux Klan though. His motto is mi casa, su…YOUR ASS! Although we don’t know specifically what all his polices are, we do know that they are going to be, “great, huge, fantastic, amazing and very great.”

Always remember where you were on the night of this historically horrific election, so that you can tell future generations of children, who are scavenging for carrion out of a nuclear waste dump.

“If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face—for ever.” – George Orwell.

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