Sci-Fi fans might remember that the Voight Kampff test, was a test that was administered in Philip K. Dicks’ novel, Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? and also in the movie, Blade Runner. The test was designed, to determine if a person was real or a replicant, by eliciting empathetic responses, which a human would give and detect replicants, because they were supposed to be incapable of discerning emotions. The Voight Kampff test has now been redesigned, but instead of detecting replicants, it can now detect Republican officials. Here are a list of sample questions taken from the new test.
A poor person comes to you, explaining she is a single mom working two jobs. She can barely make ends meet and relies on food stamps to feed her family. She begs you, not to cut the food stamps program from the Federal budget. What do you say to her?
- Don’t worry, I won’t cut the funding for the program.
- Food stamps? Ain’t nobody got time for that.
- Offer her an Arby’s coupon for a free curly fry.
A man’s son was just killed in a mass shooting. He asks you what you are going to do about assault weapons. What do you say to the man?
- Pull out a gun and shoot him.
- I’m going to propose legislation to ban assault weapons.
- Give everyone a gun, including monkeys and babies.
A teenage boy comes to you and tells you that his parents are illegal immigrants and are about to be deported. How do you respond to the teenager?
- Invite the parents to work in your sweat shop for below minimum wage.
- Propose an immigration reform bill that, would allow his parents to stay.
- Start to offer him an Arby’s coupon, but then don’t, because you remember that you wanted to use it later.
A gay couple invite you to the bakery they own, where they make wedding cakes. What do you say to the couple?
- I would love too!
- Ask them if they have a minute to talk about Jesus.
- Pretend to be dead.
A family has lost everything they own, because of a hurricane. They want to know what you will do to help them and others like them. How do you respond to this family in need?
- Give no fucks.
- Give them food and water and tell them about the emergency services that are available.
- Assault them with a paper towel roll.
An actual flaming turd, is a Republican candidate running for the Senate. It eats kittens, sells crack to kids in your neighborhood and judo chops old people. Do you give your support to this candidate?
- Absolutely not!
- If these allegations are true, then you might think about reconsidering.
- Give money to its Super PAC.
The results of this test are supposed to be kept confidential, but I will share them anyway. Mitch McConnell’s results were inconclusive, because he passed out during the first question, at the mention of, “poor person.” Steve Mnuchin’s results were also inclusive, because he had to stop midway through, to count his bars of gold. However, two-thirds of our government have now been retired.