The Best Laid Plans of Vampires and Men
Mick was getting jumpy; he was ready for more action. During their time at Shoe Carnival, all that was being done was planning. Mick wasn’t used to sitting around and waiting. In his line of work, all the planning took place before he arrived on set. He was a man of action.
Once he graduated from porn to big budget Hollywood action flicks, his need for action just increased. His biggest role to date, Brad Shaw from the block buster franchise Sex and The City and Death, took him to a zenith of action and adventure. It was like a drug to him, and he’d been chasing that drugn ever since he stepped into that role. He almost felt that role prepared him for the invasion they were now fighting to end.
“How does that sit with you, babe?” Evan asked, returning Mick to the land of the living.
“Fine. I just want to kill something. Just tell me what you need me to do.”
“Well, we were saying you and I would take the lead and Melvin, being the strongest flyer, would take the rear in case something goes south.”
“Which it probably will.”
“Yes,” Evan confirmed, “Which it probably will.”
“Darling, when things don’t go according to plan, that’s when you really shine. I have total faith in you. I shine with a weapon in my hand. As long as you have your mind and I have a knife, we’ll defeat these bastages. And our dicks. Your mind, my knife, and our dicks. That’s all we need and nothing else. Just protect your dick.”
Evan smiled. Mick always knew how to make him feel better.
“Ahem,” Geoff cleared his throat to remind Evan and Mick that he was standing beside them. Evan and Mick turned their heads to give him their attention.
“Sir, the bags are ready,” he said.
“Thank you, Geoff. And the rope?”
“Hook and Honey have all the loops knotted. They’re on the roof tying the bags off now.”
“Good,” Evan said then picked up a bolt gun and handed it to Mick. “Ready to end this?”
“Protect your dick,” Mick said as he slung the tool over his shoulder.
“It’s heading this way!” Hook yelled as he hurried down the ladder from the roof. “It’s go time.”
Kitty, Yukon and Honey were already on the roof when Evan, Mick, Melvin and Geoff followed Hook up the ladder. Less than a couple blocks away, a massive Inkaku ship was slowly approaching as if it was obeying the speed limit.
“Cutting it close,” Yukon said as Mick grabbed up some coiled rope and tossed it to Evan. Evan pulled the rope up an arm and over his head to free his hands.
“Good luck,” Kitty said with a kiss on the cheek, as she handed Evan a heavy duffle bag.
Evan looked around at the faces of his team. “Everyone knows the plan. Be careful and hopefully, we’ll all get out of this alive. Kanye speed.”
With that, Evan and Mick launched into the air. Both men flew up and disappeared over the ship, as it began to eclipse the building; cutting off sunlight to the others as they watched the ship pass.
“You okay?” Yukon asked his beloved.
“Kittens and dildos.”
Mick and Evan were at the other end of the ship in no time. They landed near the rear and Evan unzipped the duffle bag. He pulled a bundle of metal poles, that sprang out with a sharp jolt, like a large camera tripod. He set it near the rear of the ship, while Mick bolted the legs down to the ship’s hull.
After each leg had a bolt, Evan began threading the rope, while Mick secured the tripod with finishing bolts in each leg.
“That should do it,” Mick said. “Toss it over.”
Evan flung both ends of the rope over the side of the vessel. The ends fell to the streets where Hook and Honey were waiting to help guide them to the Shoe Carnival building. They guided them over quickly, as Geoff and Yukon grabbed the rope and started pulling the ends up towards them. Melvin and Kitty rushed to help them.
“Hurry!” Melvin said.
Yukon’s end was over the edge first and he ran over to the other end of the building to another rope, which was secured to two large duffle bags. They had loops tied along the length. He used the heavy duty carabiners, to quickly connect the lines together.
“Got it!” He yelled, as he turned to observe the progress of the others.
Geoff and Kitty almost had their end, when the shoddy masonry work gave way. Geoff had to release his hold to grab on to Kitty, as she spilled over the side.
Geoff had Kitty and began pulling her up, but the rope was now out of reach. Melvin ran to the side of the building and hurled himself over after the runaway rope. The ship overhead was now beginning to pass over Shoe Carnival completely. Time was running out.
Yukon ran over to the latch point they had bolted down earlier, in hopes that Melvin would make it before it was too late. Just then, Melvin flew up over the edge, holding the rope tightly in both hands. As the rope began to tighten, Yukon met with Melvin and began pulling the slack, as they latched the carabiner just in time. The two jumped backwards, as the rope tightened with a snap.
“Kanye Christ,” Yukon said. “That was close.”
Geoff and Kitty ran over to join them, and each of them threw a hand through a loop of rope and held tight. The anchored end, tightly led up to the ship and through a pulley on the tripod that Evan and Mick recently installed. The further the ship went, the more it would pull up from the other end, or so was the plan.
The two duffle bags filled with munitions, were already off the ground and clear of the building. The slack was all but gone and Kitty was first to lift off as Geoff, Yukon and Melvin kept the line taught.
Seconds after Kitty cleared the building, the craft came to a halt, leaving Kitty dangling and the others quite literally with their hands tied.
On top of the ship, Evan and Mick were deeply invested in cutting through the hull when it came to rest.
“Shit,” they both said to one another simultaneously. They dropped their tools and ran to the edge to check on their friends.
Meanwhile, Kitty was beginning to panic, as she dangled high above the street.
“Hold on, Kitty!”
Melvin asked Yukon, “Can you hold this without me?”
“Yes. Please, go get her.”
Melvin lept into the air. Geoff and Yukon slid forward until Geoff’s boots planted against the edge of the rooftop.
For a second, Geoff felt secure; forgetting that the brick and mortar he placed his trust in belonged to a Shoe Carnival.
Melvin reached Kitty and tried freeing her hand from the loop that had tightened under the tension, cutting off circulation to her hand.
Melvin called out to Yukon. “I have to cut the rope.”
“No! What about the plan?” Kitty asked.
“I’m sorry,” Melvin said. “I sever the rope or I sever your hand.”
Kitty chose the rope. She couldn’t lose the hand. It was her husband’s favorite hand.
Melvin held up his forefinger and produced a talon. He raised his hand to make a swift cut, but before he could strike; the bricks gave way under Geoff’s feet and he fell over the edge. Yukon struggled to stay on the roof, but the weight proved too much for him and he followed the path Geoff blazed before him.
The sudden added weight tightened the loop around Kitty’s wrist, and she found herself without a hand and falling like Luke in The Empire Strikes Back.
Yukon reached out and managed to grab her hand, but unfortunately; it wasn’t the one still attached. Melvin dove after her and was able to reach her, but not before she passed out from shock.
“She’s alright,” Melvin yelled up to her worried husband. I’ll take her into Shoe Carnival and come back for you. Just… hang in there.”
“Well… things went south alright,” Mick said, as he and Evan watched over the edge of the ship.
“Why the hell did the ship stop?” Evan asked.
“Do you think they’re onto us?”
“I don’t know what to think.”
“Are you two alright?” Mick yelled down to a dangling Geoff and Yukon.
“Yes,”Geoff replied. “Keep working; we’ll climb up.”
“We can pull you up,” Mick said.
“Getting in the ship is more important,” Yukon yelled. “Go, we’re fine.”
As Evan and Mick’s heads disappeared from view, Yukon and Geoff began working to free their wrists and ascend the rope. Yukon managed to get free easily since his loop didn’t have additional weight, but Geoff was stuck as long as Yukon was below him.
“I can’t loosen the rope.”
“If you can help me swing, I’ll drop back down onto Shoe Carnival.”
The two began kicking and in no time, Yukon dropped down safely onto the roof.
“See if that did the trick,” Yukon yelled to Geoff.
“Boom. I’m ou… Oh what the fuck is that?”
Yukon followed where Geoff’s finger. At the center of the ship, was a platform that was lowering. On it, was a creature resembling a mutant gorilla. It was just staring at them, like it was waiting for a green light. It creeped both men out.
“It’s just watching us,” Yukon said. “That’s creepy as fuck.”
The platform came to a stop and a handful of seconds passed, as the men just watched the beast stare back at them. Then, with no warning, the beast roared into the air and lept from the platform, like it was pissed it didn’t go lower.
As it landed in the street, the pavement gave way, leaving massive footprints in the asphalt. Yukon and Geoff both jumped a bit and Geoff hurried down the rope to repeat the action Yukon pulled to reach the rooftop.
The beast was a couple blocks away, but it was closing fast. Yukon told Geoff they had to lure it away from Shoe Carnival and away from Kitty. As the two descended the ladder, they ran into Hook and Honey, who were on their way up to the roof.
“Run!” Geoff barked at them.
Neither Hook nor Honey were dumb enough to ask questions, when someone yelled ‘run’ like that. They turned and ran back out onto the street. As Hook exited, he looked down the street, then back to Yukon and Geoff as if to say ‘too late.’
Yukon and Geoff skidded to a halt, and they saw Hook and Honey become enveloped in a huge shadow. The sound of the beast’s running ceased for a second, as he jumped into the air and landed directly in front of Hook with a loud thud.
Hook was knocked down and Honey screamed. The beast rose up and when it did, it’s large, massive arm, swatted Honey with a backhand that sent her flying into the shoe store and almost took out Geoff in the process.
Honey was nearly embedded into the wall. She was dead. Dead as shit. Hook tried to right himself, but the beast snatched him up with one hand and hurled him down the street into a stop sign. And that’s exactly what he did. He stopped.
Yukon grabbed Geoff by the shoulder and ran for the side exit. The Stamp Zzod noticed them running and watched a bit before starting after them.
“How do we stop that thing?” Geoff asked.
“We don’t; we run from it.”
“I’m thinking now that I should’ve climbed up the rope, not down.”
“I’m thinking we shouldn’t have put all the guns into those bags and tied them to a giant metal kite in the fucking sky.”
“Don’t you love it when a plan comes together?”
“I don’t know,” Yukon said. “When that happens, let me know.”
While Geoff and Yukon were busy occupying the Stamp Zzod, Mick and Evan snuck aboard the mother ship. The hallways were quiet; no one was around.
“Where is everyone?” Evan asked in a whisper.
“I don’t know; maybe they’re napping.”
A door creaked open and a really fat alien waddled out, zipping up its pants. The alien, caught off guard, sees Mick and Evan and fumbles for his sidearm. Mick and Evan were also caught off guard, because this was the first fat alien they had seen and it was wearing a, Make America Great Again hat from way back in 2016 and a t-shirt, probably 3X, that said, Me So Horny, which is conveniently located right next to Shoe Carnival. They snap out of their daze and the two of them pounce on the alien, leaving nothing but a puddle, a trucker-style hat and a 3X Me So Horny t-shirt behind.
“I wonder how he got the shirt.” Evan said.
“I’m not sure I want to know,” Mick said.
The two proceeded down the hall and opened the first door they came to. The room was empty, except for some tables, chairs and a…
“Is that a vending machine?” Evan asked.
“I think so; it must be their break room.”
Out of curiosity, Evan put in some change into the alien vending machine and made a selection. To his surprise, a bag of Sun Chips started to fall, but then got hung up in the metal ring. Evan hit the machine and started to shake it. “God damn it.”
“Um Hun, remember what we came here for.”
“I know; I just can’t stand it when they get hung up like that.”
Mick patted his pouting husband on the back and took his hand. They left the break room without the Sun Chips and headed down the winding hall. They could hear voices coming from behind the double doors straight ahead.
“Okay, this is it. Are you ready?” Mick asked.
Evan, wishing he had something really cool to say, like from an action movie, just said, “Yep.”
Just as the two were about to go Bruce Willis, Die Hard on the aliens, (II, III, IV and V sucked) an alien was approaching from behind. He was dressed all in purple and wearing a gold crown on his head. He looked like a registered sex offender Barney the dinosaur. It was obvious to the duo, that this was the alien’s leader.
“This ship must be the one that houses all the fat ones,” Mick said. “We’re two for two.”
“That’s the biggest one I’ve ever seen,” Evan said.
t’Evar, who recognized the President and his husband, narrowed his eyes at the two men.
“Brfut mutha.” You mutha fuckers!
To Mick’s surprise, Evan responded. “Uew Kei$ha!” Asshole!
“Where did you learn that? Mick asked.
“From one of the aliens at that Starbucks.”
“I am like super hot for you now,” Mick said. “What does it mean?”
“I’m not sure, but it sounds horrible.”
t’Evar coughed to get their attention.
Mick and Evan opened their mouths and t’Evar could see their razor sharp teeth.
“You owe me some Sun Chips dipshit,” Evan yelled.
The aliens from behind the door must have heard all the yelling. The door, now to Evan and Mick’s back, opened, revealing a dozen or more Inkaku.