Bacon Saves The World – Chapter 28 by Bryan Robertson & Marietta Rodgers


The Great Mime Massacre

Yukon and Geoff dipped into a storefront with a busted facade, as the Stamp Zzod amused itself with a group of mimes trapped in imaginary boxes just outside the store. The beast was almost upon them, when they turned the corner. Luckily, the Stamp Zzod thought the mimes were more interesting and Yukon and Geoff were more than happy to get a break.

“Mimes?” Geoff asked. “Can this day get any weirder?”

“You gotta admire their commitment to their craft.”

“I’m amazed they’ve survived this entire time. All this shit is going down and they’re outside, on the street, playing imaginary tug-of-war and shit.”

Just then, one of the mimes flew by the broken out window, cartwheel style.

“That thing is tossing them around like rag dolls,” Yukon said. “We need a plan.”

“Hide is a great plan. It’s really working for me.”

Another mime crashes into the car outside, collapsing the roof in. To add insult to injury, the Stamp Zzod lands on him and starts hopping up and down, gleefully.

“After all the people we ran past, that thing ran them all down and kept after us. It even mowed through some aliens; I don’t think we’re safe here.”

A few of the mimes surround the Stamp Zzod and begin firing imaginary machine guns and bazookas at it, but the creature remains unharmed.

“Lets keep running while he’s busy. We should double back to Shoe Carnival. I hope Melvin can fight this thing.”

A mime runs down the sidewalk, faking a scream, but still not making a sound. The Stamp Zzod catches him in his massive hand and launches him strait up into the sky. Geoff and Yukon never see him land.

“Okay Geoff; you’re right. Melvin may be our best bet. I’m sure he’s wondering what happened to us.”

Geoff runs for the back door with Yukon close behind. He slams open the door and runs out, slamming face first into a large, hairy chest.


“Oh hi, Geoff,” Lunchbox said.

“Oh my Kanye, you scared the literal shit out of me when you rushed through that door,” Fritz yelled.

“Why do you have your shirt off, Stanley?!” Geoff yells, as he wipes hairy chest sweat from his cheeks.

“Quiet, Geoff,” Yukon said. “It may hear you.”

“What do you mean, it?” Fritz asked.

The back wall of the busted up store explodes into the street, knocking the men down. The smoke clears quickly in the wind, revealing the it in question.

“Great Odin’s eye patch!” Lunchbox yells, as Fritz drowns his words in a piercing lady scream.

Yukon springs up and helps Geoff to his feet. “Run. Run!”

The Stamp Zzod lifts it’s arms high and brings them crashing down onto the pavement Fritz once occupied, before being yanked to safety by Lunchbox.

Geoff, Fritz and Lunchbox follow Yukon, as he blazes a trail back to Shoe Carnival.

“Where are we going?” Fritz asked. “How do we stop that thing?”

“We can’t fight it, but maybe Melvin can; we’re going to find him,” Geoff said.

As they run, they gain a bit of distance between them and the Stamp Zzod, but as Yukon and Geoff learned from experience, it never lasts. The beast slows at every car to toss it from it’s path, and with each human or alien unlucky enough to be in arms reach along the way.

When Yukon rounded the corner and had Shoe Carnival  in his sights, he noticed Melvin sitting on the edge of the roof, dangling his legs over the side and snacking on a jar of what looked like cherries.

Yukon calls out to Melvin to get his attention. He turns to the group, high-tailing it towards him and gives a leisurely wave to acknowledge their presence. His smile fades, as he sees the beast chasing them and gingerly, he sets his cherries on the roof. Melvin then stands up and leans into a head-first dive off the roof.

A few feet from transforming into a puddle on the sidewalk, Melvin transitions into a high-speed horizontal torpedo of fangs and claws. In no time, he zooms by Yukon, Geoff, Fritz, and Lunchbox and they turn to cheer him on. The Stamp Zzod charges, unfazed, with renewed anger and ferocity.

Melvin plows directly into the beast’s chest, knocking it back a hundred feet into a Meals on Wheels van; which explodes on impact. The act renders Melvin unconscious, but Yukon and the others burst into cheers.

“I knew he could do it.” Yukon said, as he and the others run to Melvin’s aid.

“He’s knocked out,” Fritz said, as he begins to loosen Melvin’s bowtie. “He’ll be alright, but he’ll probably be out of commission for a while.”

The sound of metal scraping asphalt draws everyone’s attention to the fiery mess about thirty yards away. In the dark smoke, and even darker shape rises up. Embers trickle upwards, highlighting the beast as they rise. The mangled van splits in two, as the Stamp Zzod pushes it from his path, like curtains parting before a play.

“That thing is unstoppable.” Geoff yelled.

“I’ll lead him away from Melvin,” Yukon tells them.

The Stamp Zzod began to charge and Yukon ran towards it, yelling obscenities in an attempt to gain it’s focus. He turned sharply down an alley and the beast followed.

Melvin was safe, for now. Geoff, Fritz and Lunchbox began dragging Melvin toward Shoe Carnival.

“In there,” Geoff said. “Kitty is in there. If Yukon makes it, it’s the first place he’ll come back to. You know, this would be a lot easier without that briefcase.”

“No!” Fritz blurted out. “We need it.”

“What the hell is in it?”

“This briefcase has the toxin Fritz created,” Lunchbox explained. “We need to get it to the President.”

“Oh shit, I forgot all about the President. He’s on that ship above us with Mick. I hope they’re alright.”



* * *


Mick and Evan looked at one another and then at the number of Inkaku they had to face.

“It’s practically an entire army,” Mick said giving his husband’s hand a squeeze. Evan knew what that squeeze meant. It was a ‘we might not get out of this mess’ squeeze.

Evan glanced at the wall, there was a shiny spherical object encased in glass that said, In case of emergency, break glass. There was no time to ponder over the object. Mick was the first to pounce and then Evan a half second behind. In one swift bite, Mick had ripped an Inkaku’s throat out with his teeth. Evan used his sharp claw like fingernails and dispatched another one, ripping it to shreds. The two were quick, but the sheer number of the Inkaku was overwhelming. Shots were being fired everywhere; it was like the Wild West. Mick and Evan were dodging bullets left and right, but even with their lightning-quick vampire reflexes, they couldn’t withstand that many, so they used the abundance of Inkaku to their advantage the best they could. Weaving around them, they allowed their enemies the opportunity to shoot their comrades. That thinned the herd a bit, but not nearly enough.

A bullet clipped Mick in the shoulder and he went down. Before Evan could check on his husband, he was clipped in the knee. The bullet shattered his leg. The Inkaku watched as the two writhed in pain.

One Inkaku, who had not joined in the battle was standing off to the side and picking his nose.

Mick saw the alien and even through his agony he said, “Eww…gross.”

The two fought through their pain and even with a shattered leg and wounded shoulder, they managed to take out a few more, but there was still too many of them.  Mick got hit again, but this time in the stomach. Evan watched in horror, as Mick went down like a hooker in a Waffle House bathroom and did not get back up.

“You Danny DeVito looking bastards,” Evan screamed and clawed his way through a few more, before he was hit in the right arm, followed by the left arm.

When it looked as if both men were finished, only then did t’Evar manage to bust through the door and step in to finish the job. He took a step toward the men and right on cue, the music blasted over the speakers. He commanded it be played every time he was about to do battle.

Mick, who briefly regained consciousness asked, “Is that Eye of the Tiger,” and passed out again.


* * *



Fritz held the door open as Geoff and Lunchbox dragged Melvin’s limp body into Shoe Carnival.

“Melvin feels like he’s gaining weight the further we drag him,” Geoff said.

“What now?” Fritz asked.

“Upstairs to the office overlooking the showroom floor; that’s where we were held up. Poor Kitty lost her hand earlier and passed out from shock. Melvin probably took her there; it’s what I would’ve done.”

Fritz helped the two men get Melvin up the steps to the office. Sort of. The first half went well, but somewhere in the middle, Fritz pussed-out and Lunchbox and Geoff ended up pulling him by a leg each, while Melvin’s head slowly bounced up the steps along the way.

Once in the office, they laid him on the floor in front of the couch, where Kitty was resting; she was still out of it.

“Oh man,” Fritz said with excitement. “Jib™ Power Bars! I love these things; I’m starved.”

Geoff walked over to the table. “Where did these come from? They weren’t here earlier… Oh, Eggs and Marietta must have finally come back. We sent them out to scavenge for food hours ago.”

“Well they hit the jackpot,” Fritz said with a mouthful of Jib™.

“Where are they now?” Geoff asked, as he headed to the roof access ladder. “They’re not up here either.”

“They must be out there looking for you guys,” Lunchbox said. “I’m sure they’ll turn up sooner or later.”

The building shook a bit, like something big hit it outside. Lunchbox told Fritz to stay with Kitty and Melvin, while he and Geoff went to check it out.

On the roof, they could see the Stamp Zzod, tossing cars, Mimes and debris around.

“There’s Yukon,” Geoff pointed out.

“Hey, look who’s with him,” Lunchbox said.

“Tad! He’s alive! They’re all alive!”

Yukon, Apollo Greyskull, who everyone was still calling Tom the Waiter at this point, and Eastwood were battling the beast. They had surrounded him and thanks to the weapons Apollo and Eastwood brought along, finally were able to fight back.

Katie, Rose and Tad were huddled tightly behind a Kia Sorrento for lack of better cover.

“We should go help them,” Lunchbox said.

Before they had a chance to move, they saw Eastwood yell out something to Katie. She nodded and reached into a duffle bag she was carrying. She pulled a grenade and gave Eastwood a thumbs up.

Eastwood stood up and yelled at the monster. He fired his side arm to attract it’s attention. Katie pulled the pin from the grenade and tossed it at the Stamp Zzod. The pin, not the grenade.

Rose and Tad noticed what she did and yelled out to her in horror. Katie realized her mistake and quickly tossed the grenade away. She got rid of it in time and a moment of relief swept over Rose and Tad, but thanks to her shitty aim, the grenade hit the Speed limit sign directly in front of her and dropped to her feet.

Eastwood didn’t see what happened next, because his face was planted firmly in his palm, but everyone else watched in horror, as Katie ended her short career as a human.

The explosion knocked Rose and Tad backwards, into the one good window that was left in the Shoe Carnival and Geoff hurried downstairs for them.

As they passed Fritz on their way down to Rose and Tad, Lunchbox stopped just a split second to retrieve one of the vials he and Fritz worked on earlier.

“Wait! There’s only two of them and we can’t waste them,” Fritz yelled.

Lunchbox didn’t hesitate. Fritz ran after him, yelling the entire time.

When Geoff reached Tad, he was badly injured. Rose was holding him close and crying. Geoff dropped by his brother’s side and Lunchbox hurdled him and ran outside with Fritz hot on his trail.

Lunchbox ran to Eastwood and handed him the vial.

“This may kill that thing,” he said.

Fritz ran out thinking about nothing else, except retrieving the vial Lunchbox took. This was the first time he had ever ran towards the danger.

They were out of options. Yukon and Apollo were injured, but keeping the beast busy. Eastwood grabbed the vial and hurled it at the Stamp Zzod.

“Wait!” Fritz yelled.

It was too late; the vial smashed against the Stamp Zzod’s shoulder and shattered, releasing a thick, green gas. The Stamp Zzod just waved it’s massive hand, like it was swatting away an annoying fly and the gas dissipated.

“You’ll have to get it in him,” Fritz said. “He has to breath it in.”

“Now you tell me,” Eastwood said. “Okay, give me another one.”

“There is no more.” Fritz screamed at him. He held up the last vial and said, “I only made two and this last one has to get to the President.”

Eastwood snatched the vial out of Fritz’s hand. “You’ll make more.”

Eastwood lept over the Hyundai they were hunched behind, and ran toward the beast. Fritz stood up and gave the middle finger to Eastwood’s back.

“Sure, I’ll just run down the street and make some more, asshole.”

Eastwood paid no attention to Fritz, he was too busy dodging the mime that the Stamp Zzod hurled toward him.

What’s the deal with these fucking mimes? He thought.

Eastwood ran and jumped on top of a car, located between him and the monster. He was rushing, and jumped from it just as the Stamp Zzod kicked the vehicle and sent it flying.

Eastwood latched onto the beast’s back. The Stamp Zzod swatted at him, but couldn’t reach him; he was too bulky; like Carrot Top.

Eastwood held on until the right moment, when the beast became infuriated and let loose a violent roar. He lifted up and dunked the vial into the monster’s mouth.

The poison easily made it’s way down into the Stamp Zzod’s belly, but the glass didn’t shatter so the gas was contained safely in the vial like a multivitamin.

“Shit!” Eastwood said as the Stamp Zzod was finally able to reach him and slung him from his back and across the road.

The Stamp Zzod was more furious than ever and thus far uninjured. Apollo and Yukon fired upon it, but still, they were getting nowhere and beginning to feel weary from their injuries.

Lunchbox and Fritz were pinned behind the car that the Stamp Zzod punted toward them moments earlier.

“Well shit,” Lunchbox said to Fritz as he was struggling to keep from passing out. “I never did get one of those Jib™ bars.”

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