How to Renovate Your Kitchen on a Budget of $6.50

kitchen ren

 

  1. Go into your neighbor’s garage and steal a bucket of paint and paint brush to repaint your kitchen cabinets. If you can’t find the color you really want, just take whatever is handy and then go and key your neighbor’s car for having bad taste.
  1. Cut out nude photos from a 1970’s Hustler Magazine to use as shelf paper. You will want to make sure that the full-bush vagina shots are face up, for that classy nostalgic look.
  1. Replace the old burners on your stove with aluminum foil you used to cover last night’s lasagna. If your husband wants to know why the lasagna went bad, tell him you know about his Ashley Madison account.
  1. Go down to the nearest park and take a blanket from a hobo to put on your kitchen table as a tablecloth. If the hobo puts up a lot of resistance and you can’t get the blanket, then you will need to go to the gym and workout, because you’re out of shape. You should be able to take on a hobo.
  1. Replace your kitchen tiles, by swapping them out with your bathroom tiles. It’s okay if the colors clash; no one will ever see it, because you have no friends.
  1. Haul your baker’s rack out and leave it outside by the curb, because you don’t even bake; you’re a trophy wife with big boobs.
  1. Take your dishwasher out and replace it with one of your fat, lazy kids.
  1. Remove your spice rack from the wall and replace it with a gun rack that your husband got from a gun show, and then curse yourself for your poor life choices. Guns optional.
  1. Display your kid’s art projects by taking all the macaroni off of and gluing them directly to the refrigerator. There will still be plenty of room to glue macaroni from your kid’s future shitty art projects.
  1. Go to the grocery store and buy any bottle of wine that is available for under $6.50. When you get home, drink until you pass out on your fabulous new kitchen floor.

 

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