Do we take too many polls? Well consider the following excerpt from Marietta Rodger’s (mediocre writer of rubbish. She means well though) novel, The Bill, where a Representative checks his approval rating.

“Joe went on PollTroll to check his poll numbers for today. His approval rating was at seventy-five percent; yesterday it was at seventy-six percent. Why had his approval rating dropped a percent in one day? The answer according to PollTroll was his paisley tie. Joe read PollTroll’s explanation and recommendation.”

Paisley patterns are made up of tear-shaped designs, making the wearer appear to be a cry baby or weak. Their origin is Persian and suggests the wearer is unpatriotic. Furthermore, the pattern is often found in rugs, making it hard to discern whether they are wearing a tie or someone’s door mat. This makes their beliefs unclear, the wearer a flip-flopper and perhaps even their sexual orientation ambiguous. Our recommendation is to discard the paisley tie in favor of royal blue or emerald green, something that represents strength. People wearing one of these ties are certain in their beliefs and leave no doubt as to their sexual orientation.

Polls are inherently flawed, because they involve human emotion. So, unless they are not done by a human or sentient computer that says, “I’m sorry Dave; I’m afraid I can’t do that;” they are tainted with bias. There are at least eleven major political polling organizations and that’s just within the United States. Aside from being flat out wrong in presidential races, like having Landon beating Roosevelt, Dewey beating Truman and Gore beating Bush (that one really hurt), what do they really tell us?  They tell us things like, which candidate is trustworthy, which candidate is tougher on foreign policy and which candidate loves Jesus the most (they all do). Fox, MSNBC, and CNN are all obsessed with poll numbers and cover every minutia of the political process to increase their ratings.  None of the polls predicted the rise of an orange-faced philistine, who thinks that everything is either “great” or a “disaster.” No one wants to be contacted about polls; we avoid them like a Warrant cover band. It’s not just in the United States, international polls were wrong about the Israel national election, the Scottish referendum and most notably the Brexit vote in the UK.

Polls have taken the place of good judgment and common sense. So, why do we keep relying on polls if they are consistently inaccurate? We keep hoping they will be right, but they keep disappointing us, just like Fruit Stripe Gum.  We like polls, because we are obsessed with trying to predict the future and what’s going to happen.

It’s not just in politics; companies are constantly taking surveys, which are just a poll in long form, to try and improve their products and services. Do they really improve their products though? *coughs Fruit Stripe Gum*

Etch A Sketch, which is still being made and sold by Spin Master Company, has not been updated since its invention in 1960.

Most receipts today have a number on the bottom you can call to take a brief survey. If you can ever make it all the way to the bottom of your CVS receipt it says, “be sure and read part two of the three part trilogy,” and it also directs you to go to go to their website and take their online survey. You can take the online survey and even offer suggestions or complaints. Sure, you might get your money back on the stool softener you bought, because it didn’t soften your stool, but in the end; your ass still hurts.

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