Wear Sunscreen All Ye Who Enter Here: Reviews of Hell
“Deceptive name, no limbo contests”
I was excited to get to Limbo after crossing the river Acheron, but my excitement quickly waned, because it’s nothing more than a dark valley, nothing like the festive atmosphere the name implies. I was expecting dancing, tiki huts, limbo contests and sunbathing; there was nothing but morose people sighing loudly and waiting to move on to their next destination. It was just like Hot Topic. When I inquired about a walking tour, I was told there is absolutely nothing to see here. The worst part was running into my mother, who couldn’t believe I was still unmarried and pointed out that I had gained a few pounds. I give it one star.
“Worst honeymoon ever”
My husband and I took a trip to the circle of hell, Lust and were bitterly disappointed. There was a large snake blocking our entrance and would not let us pass. A demon named Azazel let us in, but only after my husband slipped him a hundred dollar bill, which he quickly threw into the flames and then laughed at us. Instead of a cozy cabin or couples massages, there was nothing but damned souls continually swept away by violent wind. We tried to stop one of the couples, but were swept up in the winds ourselves. After finally getting away from the wind, I was groped by King Henry VIII, who fondled one of my breasts. I give it two stars, but only because of the breast fondling by a historical figure.
“No fine dining”
I give this place only one star. Do not go to the circle of hell, Gluttony, it’s not what you think. My boyfriend and I were in the mood to try a new restaurant and decided to take a trip to Gluttony, where you would expect a plethora of restaurants. There wasn’t a single all you could eat seafood buffet in sight. There was nothing but the wailing of souls, who had to wallow in a putrid mud for all eternity. You wouldn’t be able to eat there anyway, the place smelled like rotten eggs from all the sulphur burning. I thought I saw John Travolta, but my boyfriend didn’t think he was dead yet. We had to leave quickly because my boyfriend was bitten by a three-headed dog and had to get a tetanus shot.
My friends and I decided to do some shopping in hell in the circle of Greed. I wanted to get a new dress, but there wasn’t a single Nordstrom in the area. There was nothing but the wailing of wretched souls pushing giant rocks up a hill. Also, the staff there was rude, because they kept poking us with pitchforks. One of my friends tried to ask a woman who was wrapped in large chains about any sales, but the woman only snarled. We not only left empty-handed, I accidentally grazed one of the flames and got third degree burns on my leg. I give Greed only one star.
“This place was schweet”
My bros and I wanted to check out the circle of Violence in hell and we were not disappointed, because it lived up to its name. We were ferried across the river Styx and our ferryman pushed two of my friends into the swampy water; they had to swim the rest of the way across. I laughed and laughed. When we got off the ferry we had to fight a Minotaur, who would not let us pass. The Minotaur quickly realized why, ‘you don’t mess with Texas’ because we’re armed to the teeth. We could see souls being boiled alive in a river of blood and fire. You could smell the burnt flesh; it was so cool. We were surrounded by murders, tyrants, blasphemers and sodomites. Good times. Finally the fun had to come to an end, because one of my friends got his hand caught in a harpy’s mouth. I whole-heartedly give the place five stars. Does anyone know how you cook Minotaur?
- Posted in: Random Musings