For Halloween this year I'm going as a fatter version of myself last year.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) October 12, 2016

My toddler is at the perfect age where she's old enough to get candy trick or treating but too young to eat it.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) October 3, 2016

Stalin probably handed out bags of pretzels on Halloween.

— Lord James Alvarez (@ObscureGent) November 1, 2014

Not enough sexy Ruth Bader Ginsburg Halloween costumes this year. Smh fam

— Lord James Alvarez (@ObscureGent) October 23, 2016

I saw a box of doughnuts dropped in the street and hit by a semi truck. Now I can finally relate to the dad in Pet Cemetery.

— Lord James Alvarez (@ObscureGent) October 25, 2016

I like watching bubbles dance in my wine glass, in aquariums, in the sunlit sky and in the last breath you take underwater.

— Beatriz🌻 (@wittwitbarista) October 10, 2016

Halloween Costume Idea: Creepy Guy From Twitter

— Evil Home Stereo (@Chyld) October 16, 2014

OK Mr Frank N. Stein, do you have any questions about your new loan? "Raaaawr!" Yes sir, we offer drafting from your checking account.

— Evil Home Stereo (@Chyld) March 29, 2011

Last Halloween, instead of a costume, I wore YOUR MOM.

— Evil Home Stereo (@Chyld) October 26, 2016

In honor of my ex, this Halloween I'm going as a "Slutty pile of clothes on the floor, 3 feet from the God Damn Hamper!"

— Evil Home Stereo (@Chyld) October 30, 2014

Huh. You don't say. That bondage gal's favorite holiday is Halloween!

— Natty Lumpo (@nattylumpo88) October 27, 2016

carving my way through aquarium millabouts to the sea puppy petting pond like Blade streamlining ninjas to Blood God Deacon Frost

— taffy bennington 🜁 (@singwithTaffy) July 9, 2015

You are the sunshine in myyy eye
That's why I morphed into a hellhound

— taffy bennington 🜁 (@singwithTaffy) May 16, 2016

Every Halloween, I send 2 random kids to my neighbors house again and again, dressed in different costumes, until she figures it out.

— Burgess & Basil (@praisecheese) October 30, 2015

Movies about ghosts promote the lie that ghosts are real when only ghost ships are real.

— Annie Hatfield (@AnneHatfieldVO) October 4, 2016

If I'm turned into a vampire this Halloween, I hope it's Count Chocula who turns me.

— Bandersnaaatch (@Bandersnaaatch) October 30, 2013

I'm giving out popcorn balls and apples for Halloween. If you think I only disappoint my family on holidays, you'd be wrong.

— Böb Jänke: Hönkÿ (@Bob_Janke) October 27, 2016

The scariest part about Friday the 13th is when Annie Phillips pulls over to ask for directions to Camp Crystal Lake.

— Casey Duncan (@caseytduncan) October 26, 2016

if you put religious materials in my kids Halloween candy – my Black Sabbath cover band will come a caroling for Christmas

— Seamus O'flaugherty (@seamussaid) November 1, 2015

this is the year you can get your revenge on hoodlum trick-or-treaters by dropping frozen cat piss cubes in their bags instead of candy

— Seamus O'flaugherty (@seamussaid) October 5, 2015

You heard me, kid. I'm gonna steal your candy the same way you stole my future.

— Stanislaw Lemming (@LemmingDad) October 26, 2015