Kids birthday parties are getting more and more extreme, with parents trying to come up with a birthday party theme that has never been done before and where money is no object. Gone are the days, where your mom bakes your birthday cake, invites a few of your friends over, you play some lame-ass games of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and all the parents adjourn to the living room to get drunk on martinis. So, here are seven birthday party ideas for your kid, that are sure to be remembered in their therapy sessions.
1. Morgue. What better way to literally let your kid know your dreams are dead, than to surround them with corpses. A mortician will show them how to fix a loved ones’ hair horribly and put them in the dress selected by a relative, that they hated, which is why it was hanging in the back of the closet, so they can wear it for all eternity. Kids will each get their own corpse and a set of paints and paint brushes, so they can design their own face, because creativity never dies.
2. Crack House. Be the talk of the town, by having your kids party in a dilapidated house with broken needles all over the floor. Kids will learn that chemistry is cool, as a junkie, who used to be a banker, shows them the different ways to process and smoke crack. The kids will know just what to do, in the event that someone over doses, by riding along with a junkie, as they drive up to the emergency room entrance, drop the dying person off in front and quickly drive away. You might end up going to jail for a while, but trust me; it will have been well worth it.
3. Improv Class. Your kids will quickly learn how to cry on demand, as the acting instructor, a 70 year old woman, who performed in some obscure plays in the 1950’s, with a cigarette dangling from her lips, yells in a Polish accent, “More emotion! Your acting is garbage!” The kids will get to spend some time pretending to be animals and inanimate objects, but mostly listening to a thirty minute lecture on how the death of Elia Kazan was the death of method acting and how she once seduced Lee Strasberg. The kids will leave with their self-esteem destroyed guaranteed or your money back.
4. Trump Tower. This one will cost you a little more money, but well worth it, to have your kids birthday party in this tasteless gauche monstrosity. Kids will learn that more is more, not less. Don’t think that just because your theme is crude, garish, post-modern architecture, that you can’t go old school and hire a clown. Yes, for a little more money (a lot) Donald Trump will entertain your kids by acting like a buffoon and telling nonsensical stories about himself, that aren’t true and have no real point. Your kid will leave knowing they are a winner (for an additional fee in advance) or your money back. Well, not really.
5. Whole Foods. This one is free, if you can prove you’ve read every Saul Bellow novel, keep a picture of Sylvia Plath in your wallet taken by Diane Arbus and aren’t on social media. The kids will have fun, as a PhD student in philosophy, shows them the art of pairing every day food items together, in order to charge an exorbitant price. The kids will each get to take a turn, ridiculing a patron, because they forgot their reusable PBS tote bag. The little ones will have fun, as they try to master the art of condescension without saying a word, just by moving their eyebrows. Each kid will leave with a ‘goody bag’ filled with the ingredients to make their own gluten free kale salad.
6. 19th Century London. This theme will transport your kids back in time, to a quaint city of smog, pestilence, Jack the Ripper, brothels and the setting for many of Charles Dickens’ novels. No child labor laws here, the kids will each receive a broom and become chimney sweepers for ten hours, after which, they will receive one shilling, in which they can buy one loaf of bread with or without maggots (kids choice). In keeping with the theme, each child will get a free lemon to suck on, as to prevent scurvy and/or rickets. The kids will practice being morose and melancholy, as they are told they are going to die at a young age of “consumption.”
7. Armory. It’s the second amendment all the way, with this birthday party theme, that is sure to create a bang with the kids. Someone’s batshit crazy uncle, who believes that, “the end times are near,” will issue each child a military weapon, not available for purchase by private citizens, which he obtained illegally, and let them practice shooting targets. With one shot, the kids will watch in delight and/or horror as the target, trees, squirrels and a few appendages are obliterated. They won’t get to keep the guns, but don’t worry, no child will walk away empty handed. With the purchase of the deluxe package, each child will be given a slice of pizza, cake, and a live grenade.