All I want for Christmas is you.

Tied to a train track.

— Fickle_Filly (@Fickle_Filly) December 22, 2017

Yes kids, Santa lives forever, not because he's God, but because he's a vampire who feeds off the blood of your parents. Now go to bed.

— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) December 13, 2013

On Thrasher, on Cancer, Dancer, on Vixen, Stalker, on Stupid, on Dahmer, on Nixon….what I'm saying is, I don't know the reindeer names.

— beth, an alien® (@bourgeoisalien) December 4, 2014

TRUMP, Christmas Eve: 'Just got visited by 3 ghosts. Total losers. Obvious liberal cry babies. Biased Media will lie about visitation. SAD!'

— beth, an alien® (@bourgeoisalien) December 15, 2016

HER: On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me a partridge in a pear tree
HIM: THAT’S WHAT YOU WANTED LAURA
THERAPIST: Interesting

— Born Miserable (@bornmiserable) December 24, 2017

[getting murdered on Christmas] but I didn't get you anything

— Born Miserable (@bornmiserable) December 16, 2016

Be a pal, and pull my head out of the oven on the 26th.
Thanks.

— Soyourelikethat® (@soyourelikethat) December 24, 2015

[Takes kids to park]

Me: *sees 10 men dressed as baby Jesus fighting 10 men dressed as Santa Claus*

I’m getting real sick of these war on Christmas reenactments.

— James Alvarez (@ObscureGent) November 24, 2018

The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.

— James Alvarez (@ObscureGent) December 2, 2014

*Halfway through listening to children sing Frosty the snowman*

Me: This whole story is bullshit!

— James Alvarez (@ObscureGent) December 3, 2017

I wish I came pre-lit

— Seamus O'flaugherty (@seamussaid) December 4, 2015

I finally read the sentence on the side of the mug my 76 yo neighbor gave me for Christmas four years ago. It says: “You’re an amazing woman.”

— Crow Magnom (@distracted_monk) October 22, 2018

Someone needs to talk to Modelo about this foil wrap. Your beer is not Christmas.

— Crow Magnom (@distracted_monk) February 12, 2017

Proud member of the “Clean Plate Club” 40 Christmases running

— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) December 24, 2017

Not all exterior structures benefit from the addition of Christmas lights. I’ve prepared a list, but I can also make site visits.

— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) November 28, 2018

If my neighbor’s front yard is historically accurate baby Jesus was also visited by Spiderman

— Jeff Newton (@yonewt) December 18, 2017

all I want for Christmas is a talking Mark Ruffalo doll

— Jeff Newton (@yonewt) December 11, 2017

Yes honey I’m aware of the irony of how many times I use the F-word while putting up the Christmas lights

— Jeff Newton (@yonewt) December 9, 2017

Xmas Eve and I'm just waiting to see George Bailey push Kirk Cameron off the bridge.

— Tête de Chiot Mort (@skullpuppy11) December 25, 2014

Christmas is always wonderful. Well almost. There was that one Christmas where my favorite Uncle died of fondue poisoning.

— J™ (@CommonSavant) December 13, 2018

Dear Depressed People: do not listen to “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas” by Judy Garland

— Olive Gravy (@offbeatoliv) December 11, 2018

something more winter wonderlandy

— Olive Gravy (@offbeatoliv) November 29, 2018

If you had trouble figuring out how many days there were until Christmas then a special calendar might be advent-ageous.

— danny (@Mardigroan) November 27, 2018

If you invite Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez to a Christmas party don't hold it in a hotel lobby. She's had enough of lobbyists.

— danny (@Mardigroan) December 11, 2018

Seems like a sci fi movie. How does Santa deliver to so many homes? Clones? Time travel? Android doppelgangers? Infinite parallel universes? Transporter device(s)?

— danny (@Mardigroan) December 17, 2018

"Santa Baby" is the sexist Christmas song ever about a woman that will have sex with a fat old man for presents.

— Böb Jänke: the Ayatollah of Rock N Rolla (@Bob_Janke) December 7, 2015

I'm doing all my Christmas shopping on the dark web.

— Rich Cromwell (@rcromwell4) November 9, 2017

Mary: wow.. these great? What are they?
Wise Man 1: Starter packs and loot boxes.
Mary: loot boxes?
Wise Man 2: yes, they contain ingame emblems, perk cards, much needed achievements, and skins.
Wise Man 3: best yet, an extra life bonus when your son gets to a serious boss level.

— Beatriz (@wittwitbarista) December 12, 2018

Last Christmas I gave you my heart, but you regifted it.

— Casey Duncan (@caseytduncan) December 18, 2018

My wife won't let me forget I spent the entirety of Christmas dinner at her parents in character as Joffrey from Game of Thrones.

— Justin (@ThePocketJustin) May 22, 2016

It's Christmas day. When my father in law visits he still asks – "why aren't you at work?"

— Justin (@ThePocketJustin) December 25, 2012

Extremely thoughtful passive aggressive Christmas gifts.

— Justin (@ThePocketJustin) December 6, 2015

My wife really needs a win this Christmas.

Maybe I can find that clitoris thing she keeps asking me to look for.

— Tom Foolery, OB/GYN (@Chyld) December 11, 2018

You know how all it takes is one bulb to go out and the entire string of Christmas lights go dark?

You're that one bulb.

— Tom Foolery, OB/GYN (@Chyld) December 13, 2018

I like to sing "I have no gifts to bring falalala" at Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, Hanukkah, Easter, retirement parties, quinceaneras and Kwanzaa.

— Tom Foolery, OB/GYN (@Chyld) December 19, 2018

An advent calendar, but behind every door is just a slightly larger thing to put in your butt. On Christmas Eve you get an obelisk.

— Banana Graveyard 🌈 (@bananagrvyrd) December 2, 2017

Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?

Me: We were robbed.

Husband: They only took the cookies?

Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?

— Candy Cane Shank 🎄 (@sixfootcandy) March 14, 2018

Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.

— Candy Cane Shank 🎄 (@sixfootcandy) December 23, 2016

ME: I’m going to hate everyone I know by Christmas.

HUSBAND: You already hate everyone.

ME: Good point.

— Candy Cane Shank 🎄 (@sixfootcandy) December 3, 2018

When signing Christmas cards, I write "love" or "lots of love" based of my depth of feeling for the recipient. You hear that Aunt Phyllis?

— Mrs. Fitz (@PFitzpa) December 6, 2015

One cold Christmas Eve, a very inebriated grandma was on her way home when she met with foul play. The explanation was the stuff of a made up story or novelty song, but for the citizens of this small town, it was all too real.
Killer Reindeer.
Tonight, on Dateline.

— A Very TheAlexNevil Christmas (@TheAlexNevil) December 9, 2018

*first day as mall Santa

“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”

— A Very TheAlexNevil Christmas (@TheAlexNevil) December 7, 2018

Christmas comes but once a year, so it's actually got one up on me.

— Bandersnaaatch (@Bandersnaaatch) December 29, 2016

Forget the halls, I'm gonna go ahead and deck these Christmas shoppers.

— Bandersnaaatch (@Bandersnaaatch) December 20, 2014

Started to panic when I realized that I only have a handful of days left to plan my siege on Nakatomi Plaza.

— John MaleClane (@PlainTravis) December 11, 2018

For New Year's my true love better be getting me someone to clean up after all these damn birds.

— John MaleClane (@PlainTravis) December 29, 2014

I fear some of your automobiles are metamorphosing into woodland creatures.

— taffy bennington ◬ (@singwithTaffy) December 5, 2015

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me a whole bunch of stuff I'll need to return.

— G. M. Lupo (@gmatt63) December 13, 2016

The song We Wish You a Merry Christmas starts out pleasantly enough, but soon devolves into a cynical ploy to extort figgy pudding from the listener.

— G. M. Lupo (@gmatt63) October 4, 2018

2252 AD

Teacher: Early humans would celebrate Happiness Holiday every 25 years. The anniversary of a war on Sir Mary Christoph by the Starbuck Liberation Front. They did this via the offering of shiny paper they would destroy under a great burning tree.

Student: That's crazy.

— Aaron A. Alvarez (@ObscureAaron) December 12, 2018

*guy motions for me to roll down my window at a stoplight*

Him: TURN ON YOUR LIGHTS!

Me: I WILL WHEN I GET HOME! THANKS AND MERRY CHRISTMAS

*turns to wife*
How did that guy know our Christmas lights weren’t on?

— Z🎄CK (@Mr_Kapowski) December 18, 2017

Wham's, "Last Christmas," is my favorite holiday song about rejected organ donation

— Z🎄CK (@Mr_Kapowski) December 9, 2014

Start hating people now, so you don't have to buy them a Christmas present. Don't wait until the last minute.

— antisocialsocialist (@gobmentcheese) November 9, 2017

I'm just putting my mom's Christmas gift in a bag without decorative tissue paper, because that's the kind of monster that she raised.

— antisocialsocialist (@gobmentcheese) December 9, 2015

reality check: it's the holidays; not everyone has a stocked bank account, or even a fridge full of meals. there are people everywhere who will continue to struggle, regardless of the mindless consumerism that is taking place. there are people hurting inside, despite the season

— Soyourelikethat® (@soyourelikethat) December 12, 2018