Do we take too many polls? Well consider the following excerpt from Marietta Rodger’s (mediocre writer of rubbish. She means well though) novel, The Bill, where a Representative checks his approval rating.

“Joe went on PollTroll to check his poll numbers for today. His approval rating was at seventy-five percent; yesterday it was at seventy-six percent. Why had his approval rating dropped a percent in one day? The answer according to PollTroll was his paisley tie. Joe read PollTroll’s explanation and recommendation.”

Paisley patterns are made up of tear-shaped designs, making the wearer appear to be a cry baby or weak. Their origin is Persian and suggests the wearer is unpatriotic. Furthermore, the pattern is often found in rugs, making it hard to discern whether they are wearing a tie or someone’s door mat. This makes their beliefs unclear, the wearer a flip-flopper and perhaps even their sexual orientation ambiguous. Our recommendation is to discard the paisley tie in favor of royal blue or emerald green, something that represents strength. People wearing one of these ties are certain in their beliefs and leave no doubt as to their sexual orientation.

Polls are inherently flawed, because they involve human emotion. So, unless they are not done by a human or sentient computer that says, “I’m sorry Dave; I’m afraid I can’t do that;” they are tainted with bias. There are at least eleven major political polling organizations and that’s just within the United States. Aside from being flat out wrong in presidential races, like having Landon beating Roosevelt, Dewey beating Truman and Gore beating Bush (that one really hurt), what do they really tell us?  They tell us things like, which candidate is trustworthy, which candidate is tougher on foreign policy and which candidate loves Jesus the most (they all do). Fox, MSNBC, and CNN are all obsessed with poll numbers and cover every minutia of the political process to increase their ratings.  None of the polls predicted the rise of an orange-faced philistine, who thinks that everything is either “great” or a “disaster.” No one wants to be contacted about polls; we avoid them like a Warrant cover band. It’s not just in the United States, international polls were wrong about the Israel national election, the Scottish referendum and most notably the Brexit vote in the UK.

Polls have taken the place of good judgment and common sense. So, why do we keep relying on polls if they are consistently inaccurate? We keep hoping they will be right, but they keep disappointing us, just like Fruit Stripe Gum.  We like polls, because we are obsessed with trying to predict the future and what’s going to happen.

It’s not just in politics; companies are constantly taking surveys, which are just a poll in long form, to try and improve their products and services. Do they really improve their products though? *coughs Fruit Stripe Gum*

Etch A Sketch, which is still being made and sold by Spin Master Company, has not been updated since its invention in 1960.

Most receipts today have a number on the bottom you can call to take a brief survey. If you can ever make it all the way to the bottom of your CVS receipt it says, “be sure and read part two of the three part trilogy,” and it also directs you to go to go to their website and take their online survey. You can take the online survey and even offer suggestions or complaints. Sure, you might get your money back on the stool softener you bought, because it didn’t soften your stool, but in the end; your ass still hurts.

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What would Mars be like if Americans took it over? Well, to quote from the movie Space Balls, “Oh shit; there goes the planet.” Move over Ray Bradbury, there’s a new chronicle to be written, one with superstores, shitty movie remakes and diabetes and it’s called, ‘Murica 2. The greatest country on Earth, has now just become the greatest planet in the solar system. But before we get ahead of ourselves and start building a Build-A-Bear Workshop, we would have to mark the territory with a giant American flag and then say the Pledge of Allegiance.

What religion would Americans practice on Mars? What could be more appropriate than Scientology. It’s finally right where it belongs; in outer space. Welcome to the Mars Church of Scientology founded by Tom Cruise, where everyone is welcome. HaHa…just kidding poor people. The book Dianetics has been replaced with the script of Top Gun, which you must purchase a page at a time. Once you have the entire script and your IQ has dropped by 20 points you’ve achieved enlightenment. Yes, the Mars Church of Scientology, where you can be spiritually enlightened for the right price.

What type of government would Americans have on Mars? There would be a two party system, but unlike complicated presidential primaries, where the rules vary from state to state, two candidates would be selected through rigorous games of Twister. The last two people left from either party, will then face off in Thunderdome. Two people enter, one person leaves to become the President. Terms will only last two weeks and then it’s on to another election cycle. Congress would be made up of monkeys, orangutans and baboons, just like in America now. Instead of Secret Service for life, each former president will get a life time membership to Planet Fitness.

Which businesses get to be on an American Mars? Parcels of land will be sold off to the highest bidder. Mars would soon be filled with Applebee’s, Wal-Mart’s, Starbucks’ and garish skyscrapers with the words, “Trump Tower” stenciled on the front. All major manufacturing jobs will be outsourced to Venus in order to keep the costs of products low. Not all parcels of land would be available for commercial use though; I mean otherwise there would be no place for Exxon Mobile and BP to drill.

Finally, how would the average everyday Joe and Jane spend their days on Mars? The same way as they do in America, with their heads down looking at their phones and salivating at the mouth, as they sit down at McDonald’s waiting for a super-sized, triple bacon burger, fries and of course, a diet Coke. Yes, the places on Mars have Wi-Fi, don’t be silly, otherwise we’d walk, because that’s a deal breaker. Fire all the guns you want, because the fun never stops and neither do the bullets, literally. So, come to Mars, because you might be a fat on Earth, but here on Mars you’re light as a feather.