My name is Rick Perry and I’m a Virgin…I mean Virgo. I’ve been selected for Energy Secretary; I used to want to eliminate the Department of Energy, but I’ve evolved on light bulbs. I’m just looking for that special someone, who doesn’t see illiteracy as a hindrance. I’m from the great state of Texas and I enjoy drilling for oil and fondling guns. I believe evolution is a theory, just like gravity and abstinence works…at least that’s what my wife tells me. My favorite things are God, guns, the death penalty and serving up a big heaping plate of freedom. I believe every problem can be fixed by either God or duct tape. I might be dumber than a bag of dicks on Sunday, but I got dolla, dolla bills y’all!
My name is Steve Bannon (no I am not Glenn Beck). I’m Trump’s Chief Strategist and let me tell you why I am right for you. I’m on the extreme fringe, part of the alternative right, like alternative music except we suck. I enjoy long walks on the beach, polishing my Hitler Youth knife and I am just looking for that special someone, who wants to cuddle up by the fireplace and read Mein Kampf together and get matching swastika tattoos. I will be the man behind the curtain pulling the strings of our ass-hat President. Trump is my bitch. I hate gays, feminism, Jews, minorities, multiculturalism and orgasms. I don’t get drunk and text Rush Limbaugh in the middle of the night, asking why he doesn’t love me anymore; I’m ready to start a new relationship. I’ve been endorsed by the KKK, so come on board and join the fourth Reich white people, cuz me love you long time.
I’m Andrew Puzder and the nominee for Secretary of Labor. I promise not to fuck the American worker, because I have a small penis as indicated by my profile pic. As CEO of Hardees and Carl’s Jr and head of the very agency that uncovered wage theft of my own workers; I am the perfect choice. I don’t believe in raising the minimum wage, overtime pay or breaks. Pee on your own time! I have that crocheted on a pillow at home. In my free time, I like reading Ayn Rand and wishing someone would hug me. Please, anyone. If you’re yearning to bring back a 1950’s work era of sexual harassment, wage disparity, low pay and racial discrimination, then we are soulmates. No more occupational and safety standards. OSHA can safeguard deez nuts.
I’m Betsy DeVos, the nominee for Secretary of Education. I love me some education. Just because I’ve made millions of dollars of contributions to Republicans over the years and know nothing about public school education, doesn’t mean I’m unqualified. I’ve spent my life trying to privatize education and support school voucher programs. My motto is, no public dollars for public schools. F that noise! The Individuals with Disabilities Education Act, was made up by the liberal media in order to make me look stupid at my hearing. In my free time, I enjoy spending money, opposing same sex marriage and advancing God’s kingdom of rich white people. I’m looking for a partner, who believes in Intelligent Design, but not intelligence. I think all children should be armed in school to ward off bear attacks. Leonardo DiCaprio would not have been sexually assaulted by that bear if he had been carrying a gun. Let me be your Secretary of Education; we will sip champagne and sit back and leave every decision to the states. Could someone proof read this for me.
I’m retired neurosurgeon, former Republican presidential candidate and your nominee for Secretary of Housing and Urban Development. I will fall asleep on you while we are making love, but I will never neglect my duties on whatever it is this agency does. My main qualification for HUD is that I lived in a house growing up near an urban area. Also, I’m the only African American that Trump knows. My idea of a romantic night out is eating grain at an Egyptian restaurant. I believe that evolution was created by the devil, global warming is a hoax, being gay is a choice and Creationism should be studied in school. I got your Big Bang right here, know what I’m sayin’. I’m a critic of HUD’s fair housing rule. We can’t have the government infiltrating every part of our lives, because that’s communism and we don’t have a communist government; we have a fascist one. The government needs to stick to regulating women’s bodies and gay marriage. Being HUD Secretary is just like Goldilocks, you get to go to houses and sleep on other people’s mattresses. If you like stabbing a bitch, then I’m the man for you, because I might be bat shit crazy but I’m also crazy for love.