The Emails of Jean-Paul Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir

jeansimone

November 2, 2016

Dear Beaver,

Do you mind me calling you that? I’ve been meaning to ask you for decades, but it keeps slipping my mind. I sat in Starbucks today sipping my cappuccino and typing away on my laptop. A millennial asked me if I were writing a screen play and then laughed at me. I don’t get the joke. I was writing a screen play though.

Love,

John-Paul

 

November 5, 2016

Dear Little One,

Now that you bring it up, I really don’t like being called a beaver. A beaver has buck teeth and a big tail. Are you trying to imply something? Are you working on an existentialist screen play? I have to make a confession; I don’t know what existentialist means.

xoxoxo

Simone

 

November 8, 2016

Fine then, stop calling me Little One.

Jean-Paul

P.S I don’t know what existentialist means either.

 

November 10, 2016

Don’t get bent out of shape. I was talking about your stature, not your penis.

Simone

 

November 13, 2016

Smoking…scowling…smoking…sex…smoking…I’m being very French today.

Love,

Jean-Paul

 

November 14, 2016

I’m having a rendezvous with one of my lovers today and with a different lover on Tuesday and with someone, and I’ve quite forgotten who, on Thursday. Hopefully I’ll remember by Thursday but if not, do you want to meet for coffee?

Love and kisses,

Simone

 

November 15, 2016

Dear Simone,

I got into a religious discussion with a priest today and I told him ‘existence precedes essence.’ I thought it was quite good; I should write that down. He told me I was going to hell and I quipped ‘Hell is other people.’ I’m so clever sometimes. Did you remember who your Thursday lover is? Just let me know what time; I don’t want it to conflict with my Thursday romantic encounter. I don’t have one yet, but I’m sure I will by Thursday.

Jean-Paul

 

November 16, 2016

I remembered now that my romantic tryst was supposed to be with you on Thursday. That works out great, because then we can get coffee after.

Simone

 

November 18, 2016

I got into an argument with that absurdist writer Albert Camus. He said that existentialism is a load of crap; shit happens, so just deal with it. I told him the only thing absurd about him was his writing. He pointed out that he won The Nobel Peace Prize for Literature.

I hate bourgeois Frenchmen.

Love,

Jean-Paul

My Guest Spot: Yes, Funny People Hate Clowns by Bourgeois Alien

Bourgeois Alien's avatarBOURGEOIS ALIEN

Trigger warning: Clowns

I’m kidding. I don’t believe in  trigger warnings. Life itself is a trigger warning, Chuckles.

Honk-Honk

I hate clowns. Their bizarre colored skin, stupid facial expressions, ridiculous orange hair, loud voice, and the whole ironically running for president dog and pony show…wait, I got confused. That’s Donald Trump. I’m talking about my hatred for all clowns, not just the billionaire orangutan. And I’m aware this isn’t a unique statement- hating clowns. In fact, most people I’ve spoken to find clowns horrible. But I wanted to know why- why others find them revolting. I decided to ask several writers, comedians, and other genuinely creative people their thoughts on what exactly makes clowns so grotesque…

View original post 2,174 more words

Interview with Godot

waiting for godot

I’m sitting in the back of a small café sipping my tea. My purse is beside me on the table along with my notes. I’ve already been waiting 20 minutes before Godot finally arrives. He is wearing a pair of Pierre Balmain jeans, open vest with no shirt underneath, a blue Portolano scarf and cradled in one arm is a white Mal-Shi. Godot approaches my table and without apologizing for being late, he sits the dog on the table. Both dog and owner look hung over. The waiter takes our orders and I dive right in with my list of questions.

M: You just won your fourth Oscar and you’re working on a new movie called, The Sacrifice. What is the movie about?

G: Yes, I have four Oscars; I would have five but the Academy is biased. The movie is about the sacrifice a family has to make after the stock market crash of 1929. The family has to get rid of most of their help; they can only afford to retain one maid. I play the role of the father, who is desperately trying to hold his family together.

The waiter comes back with our order. He puts a plate of Cobb salad in front of me and a cappuccino in front of Godot and without drinking it he tells the waiter it’s cold and to take it back.

M: How did you prepare for that role?

Godot doesn’t answer right away. He takes out some paper along with a pouch of tobacco from his vest. He lays the paper on the table and dumps the tobacco out, some of it lands on the paper, but most of it lands in a big heap on the table. He starts rolling the cigarette, while the Mal-Shi starts licking the pile of tobacco. Godot lights the cigarette and takes a long puff from it. A woman sitting at the table next to us complains and he calls her a slag.

G: I got rid of all my staff except for one maid. It was okay at first; it was kind of like camping, but after a while we began to tear each other apart. We lived like animals for a year.

I take a bite of my Cobb Salad, while Godot puffs away and the Mal-Shi stares at me with his judgmental eyes. He thinks I’m fat. The waiter brings Godot another cappuccino.

M: Most directors won’t work with you because you are habitually late and argue with your fellow cast members. Why do you always make people wait for you? Do you feel like one day you will unemployable?

G: They can either wait for me or find another actor, because I arrive when I’m ready. I can be a father trying to keep his family together, an astronaut, the President…I can be fucking God anytime I choose. I have a rare talent; I will never be unemployable.

M: You and your wife recently had a baby. How has fatherhood changed your perspective of the world?

The waiter approaches our table with trepidation and asks Godot to put out the cigarette, which he does by throwing it into the cappuccino. The Mal-Shi who is also offended, lifts his leg up to pee on my Cobb salad.

G: It hasn’t; the world is a toilet bowel and everyone is a pile of shit and I still believe that.

M: You learned your craft from the great Samuel Beckett who was your mentor. How were you influenced by him?

Godot pounds on the table. The Mal-Shi barks at me and starts to chew on my purse strap. He knows it is from last season.

G: Samuel Beckett was second-rate playwright. He did not make me into an actor; I made me. I have four Oscars.

He starts gesticulating wildly with his hands. The Mal-Shi is still attacking my purse. Everyone in the café is now looking at Godot, because he is shouting and looks like a wild man. The waiter who is about to cry, tells him to keep his voice down. As if my intuition or perhaps because his owner has done it a thousand times, the Mal-Shi jumps off the table right before Godot flips it over. My purse lands on the floor and the pissy Cobb salad lands in my lap.

G: You are a hack writer and your magazine is shit.

Godot picks up the Mal-Shi and storms out of the café. The waiter, who is weeping, offers me a towel and the bill.

A Salute to Those Who Came Before: 2016 Republican Presidential Coverage

cruzradio

It’s been a tumultuous year. We’ve laughed; we’ve cried; we got a lobotomy. The 2016 Republican primary was a fight to the death. A fight to the end, to see which candidate Jesus would support. In the immortal words of Charles Dickens “It was the worst of times; it was the worst of times.”

Let’s start with one of my favorites, and everyone’s favorite extreme anti-gay, anti-immigration, anti-abortion, anti-Muslim, soup-loving Senator of Texas, Fat Dracula Ted Cruz. The worst thing to come out of Canada since Nickelback and Justin Bieber. He believes firmly in the bible, but not in climate change, because we all know that only the bible has been scientifically proven. After retiring from being the Zodiac Killer, he became Solicitor General of Texas, where he defended the display of the 10 Commandments on the grounds of the State Capitol, supported restrictive voter ID laws and helped defend a law criminalizing the sale of dildos. Thank God, because dildos were taking away the jobs of hard working sexual men.

Let’s not forget about the Senator of Florida and your favorite member of Menudo, Marco Rubio. Another anti-abortionist, who believes life begins as soon as Ronald Regan’s corpse says it does. He’s against stem cell research, raising the minimum wage, {pauses to take awkward sip of water} same sex marriage, climate science and the legalization of marijuana. He’s also available for parties.

Chris Christie is the love child of J. Edgar Hoover and Joseph McCarthy, but you probably know him as the worse Governor ever of New Jersey. His hobbies include eating, getting winded and shutting down bridges.

Who is John Kasich?

Let’s not forget about the lovable Rip Van Winkle, Ben Carson. The man who speaks slowly, but carries a big knife. The Neurosurgeon, who likes to take naps before, during and after surgery. The man who said that, “gayness must be a choice, because men who were raped in prison come out gay” and “evolution is a fairy tale created by the devil.” Hey, but he’s a neurosurgeon, so he must be smart. He also said he doesn’t “see” any global warming. It’s probably because he’s not wearing his special global warming sunglasses. Don’t get in an argument with him though, cuz he will stab a bitch.

Jeb Bush, former Governor of Florida and known as the, “smart brother.” He was the one everyone thought had the nomination in the bag and would be the one facing-off with Hillary. Sure he might have low energy, but he has high hopes of being a Fox News commentator. He is currently making his living by charging $20 per warm kiss.

It wouldn’t be a Presidential race without Mike Huckabee, former Governor of Arkansas, Christian minister and lead singer of Stryper. He likes to Snapchat with Kim Davis and he believes that marriage should only be between a man and Jesus.

There was also the Senator from Kentucky, Rand Paul, son of Ron Paul, son of Arathorn, King of Gondor. He was called,”the sane one, kind of.” He is anti-abortion, but pro volumizing shampoo.

You might remember the Governor of Pennsylvania and sweater vest enthusiast, Rick Santorum. If you can’t remember his last name, just think of the word sanitarium. He doesn’t believe in contraception, gay marriage, global warming or empathy. He thinks moms should be at home and not working. He is currently working in a cigarette factory in 1955.

I’ve saved the best for last; the misogynist, bigot, homophobe, xenophobe, rambling- idiot, reality TV star, President-elect, Donald Trump. His slogan is, “make America grab pussy again.” He is the man every woman would love to work for, the kind that sexually harasses you and then threatens to fire you if you say anything. The Pope did not endorse him, but don’t worry Christians, he was endorsed by the Ku Klux Klan though. His motto is mi casa, su…YOUR ASS! Although we don’t know specifically what all his polices are, we do know that they are going to be, “great, huge, fantastic, amazing and very great.”

Always remember where you were on the night of this historically horrific election, so that you can tell future generations of children, who are scavenging for carrion out of a nuclear waste dump.

“If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face—for ever.” – George Orwell.

Interview with Author Lance Burson

lance

Today I’m speaking with the ebullient Lance Burson, writer, comedian and author of The Ballad of Helene Troy.

M:  The Ballad of Helene Troy really captures the fast-paced lifestyle and the gritty and non-glamorous side of the music scene. It feels authentic; right down to the rock and roll jargon that’s used throughout the book. How do you know so much about it, were you a musician yourself?

L:  I’m a really bad guitar player and have been for 25 years. I was a DJ and managed a couple of early 1990’s alternative rock bands. I spent most of my 20’s around music scenes. And I’m a total music junkie and fanboi.

M:  You have a really striking cover and the girl in it is actually a picture of your eldest daughter. Where was the photograph taken?

L:  In the downtown of the local area where we live. It has this section that sort of looks like old school Brooklyn, pre hipsters. And yes, that’s my 20-year-old daughter who is in her junior year of college. She was in high school when we shot it.

M: One of the core themes is the clashing of the art form and the business aspects of music. What has been your experience with this and how do you reconcile the two?

L:  There is no reconciliation. Business always wins. I’ve known more incredible artists who are now soccer moms and dads than people who made it. Art is so subjective and only the weakest among us allow it to be bought and sold. Go to any local bar or music venue in your town and you’ll find people doing it for the love of it and nothing else who are more artistic than the people you hear on the radio or see on TV.

M:  The main character, Helene, is on the cusp of becoming a really great musician, but she’s struggling with loyalty to her band mates and her own career. What are some of the inner band relationships you’ve experienced and what are the typical troubles in a band?

L:  Helene is an amalgam of female and male musicians I’ve known in my life. Some succumbed to drugs, others became studio players, others got married and had babies, and others are still sweating it out in their 40’s in small clubs all over the place. Every band I was ever around, and I was around dozens, had one member that was just little better than everyone else. Their talent was more obvious. I was close friends with a female musician in college, she provided a lot of inspiration for Helene, and she was ten times better than her bandmates and she was ‘just’ the rhythm guitarist in the band. She later became a studio player and A&R rep for major labels.  Point is, talent doesn’t always make it or even matter as it should. In that way, Helene is a fairy tale (lol).

M:  Have you written any other novels?

L:  I’ve written four, but published two – The Ballad Of Helene Troy and Soul To Body – also about a musician, a dude one, who is struggling to raise his teen daughter after the death of his wife.

M:  What books or authors have most influenced you and do you have a favorite genre?

L:  Oh wow, what a question. I’m all over the place. I love the classic and get a lot of inspiration from the Lost Generation of Hemingway, Fitzgerald, Miller, etc. I just reread Mary Shelley’s, Frankenstein and Alex Haley’s, The Autobiography of Malcolm X, those two books influenced me so much. I’m a huge fan of Chuck Palahniuk even though he’s not the feminist I am. Fight Club changed my life.

M: Fight Club changed my life too. I feel like Bob gave us permission to cry and he died for all our sins. I shout, ‘his name is Robert Paulson’ every time I’m in the grocery store as tribute.

M:  You have a blog called, My Blog Can Beat up Your Blog and it’s true, your blog has beaten up my blog numerous times and stolen its lunch money. Is there any central theme, or do you just like to talk about things that interest you?

L:  It used to be a writer-centric space where I wrote a lot of episodic fiction. Helene and Soul To Body were both serialized there. These days, it’s all deep, well-meaning, empathetic personal essays about my life now as a stand up comedian and father of 3 girls, aged 12, 13 and 20. Once the election is over and I can type without hitting the keyboard with my fists, I’ll get back to just writing fiction and non-fiction essays.

M: You also do stand up comedy. When did you start and how did you ever work up the nerve to go on stage?

L:  I did for a little under 3 years in the 1990’s, 93-96. I wasn’t very good because I didn’t have a lot of life experience to draw from. In early 2015, I went back to it on a lark, just to see if I could do it. I’m coming up in two years and I’m getting paid every once in a while, getting out of the house 3-5 times a week and even getting my name is lights. I’ve never been nervous to do it. Writing books is lot more nerve wracking.

M:  Do you have any favorite sets that stand out as being really great? Did you ever completely bomb?

L:  I bomb a lot. But I also do well sometimes. I recently headlined a club and did a feature spot in a theatre. My best experience has come from a large venue that holds a couple of hundred people and I had great sets both times there. I’ve participated in comedy contests as well and have done pretty good. I’m still learning and honing the craft.

M:  Do you have certain things you focus on in your material like politics, romance, etc, or you do you have a more versatile style?

L:  I try to be versatile but my ‘best stuff’ is about my family – living with a wife and three daughters. I mix in a little politics and pop culture. I’m writing new stuff now.

M:  Who are some of your favorite comedians?

L:  Oh wow, another doozy of a question. George Carlin, Bill Hicks, Richard Lewis, Marc Maron, Patton Oswalt, Janeane Garafalo, Sarah Silverman, Louis CK, Maria Bamford (genius) and many others.

M:  Oh wow, although Bill Hicks and George Carlin were not atheists per se, they both are the first comedians I remember to criticize organized religion.

M:  I like to know where people stand on the important issues. What is your opinion of people who don’t use fabric softener?

L:  Lazy degenerates and I am one.

M:  Tell the kleptomaniacs and the mildly bloated where they can find you and your books on the internet.

L:  I am available on amazon for kindle https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_1?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=lance+burson and Lulu.com in paperback https://www.lulu.com/shop/search.ep?keyWords=lance+burson&type

They make lovely holiday gifts.

Funny People Tell the True Meaning of Halloween

myers
Is your refrigerator running?

Halloween is a time when we dress up in slutty costumes, watch horror movies, tell scary stories, go to haunted houses and pedophiles hand out candy corn. Some funny people from Twitter are here today to tell you what true horror is.

https://twitter.com/bourgeoisalien/status/783142153849495552

https://twitter.com/bourgeoisalien/status/788359284191010816

https://twitter.com/lanceburson/status/791301762221166593

https://twitter.com/lanceburson/status/784408208500781056

https://twitter.com/TheCatWhisprer/status/660635950909890560

https://twitter.com/bornmiserable/status/790624738498322432

https://twitter.com/bornmiserable/status/782405068209332224

https://twitter.com/Mr_Kapowski/status/782088335279828992

https://twitter.com/Mr_Kapowski/status/791699233191686145

https://twitter.com/wittwitbarista/status/785343510647934977

https://twitter.com/FuckabillyRex/status/791305883162517505

https://twitter.com/FuckabillyRex/status/781146281884262400

https://twitter.com/FuckabillyRex/status/678605631239032832

https://twitter.com/FuckabillyRex/status/623161456310128642

https://twitter.com/Henry_3k/status/792034332420386816

https://twitter.com/bananagrvyrd/status/669604486982320129

https://twitter.com/bananagrvyrd/status/681599684834648065

https://twitter.com/bananagrvyrd/status/706245104441364480

https://twitter.com/bananagrvyrd/status/791425701400317952

https://twitter.com/GrantTanaka/status/527642372402720769

https://twitter.com/HatfieldAnne/status/791320971760246784

https://twitter.com/ThePocketJustin/status/777536357501665281

https://twitter.com/ThePocketJustin/status/754651243629441024

https://twitter.com/2tickytacky/status/658804474098544640

https://twitter.com/yonewt/status/791307136982585344

https://twitter.com/distracted_monk/status/791337373430755328

https://twitter.com/gmatt63/status/791474676333764609

https://twitter.com/gobmentcheese/status/598910766205444097

https://twitter.com/gobmentcheese/status/783335033595584514

https://twitter.com/gobmentcheese/status/750352070041956352

https://twitter.com/gobmentcheese/status/715593171569217536

I’d like to thank all of the talented writers, musicians, artists and extremely funny people above for contributing their tweets. I feel truly humbled to know all of you and thank you for all of your support.

Check out the links to these amazing people:

@bourgeoisalien – https://elizabethargyropoulos.com/  http://belowthefoldmag.com/?author=57dd184c197aea80c3542551

@ObscureGent –  www.theobscuregentlemen.com
https://www.patreon.com/theobscuregentlemen https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/12-for-a-penny/id983432411?mt=2

@lanceburson – https://lancemyblogcanbeatupyourblog.wordpress.com/

https://www.lulu.com/shop/search.ep?keyWords=Lance+Burson&type=

@bornmiserable – http://www.youtube.com/TheBlackoutChoir

@Chyld – http://bit.ly/2faDJAe

@yonewt – http://www.jeffnewton.org/

@distracted_monk – https://teenagebedroom.bandcamp.com/

@gmatt63 – www.lupo.com

@Bob_Janke – https://deceiverjr.blogspot.com/

@singwithTaffy – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=in2gDrl_XBo&feature=youtu.be

saturday
You guys need to leave now! I’m taking a bubble bath.

Wear Sunscreen All Ye Who Enter Here: Reviews of Hell

hell

“Deceptive name, no limbo contests”

I was excited to get to Limbo after crossing the river Acheron, but my excitement quickly waned, because it’s nothing more than a dark valley, nothing like the festive atmosphere the name implies. I was expecting dancing, tiki huts, limbo contests and sunbathing; there was nothing but morose people sighing loudly and waiting to move on to their next destination. It was just like Hot Topic. When I inquired about a walking tour, I was told there is absolutely nothing to see here. The worst part was running into my mother, who couldn’t believe I was still unmarried and pointed out that I had gained a few pounds. I give it one star.

“Worst honeymoon ever”

My husband and I took a trip to the circle of hell, Lust and were bitterly disappointed. There was a large snake blocking our entrance and would not let us pass. A demon named Azazel let us in, but only after my husband slipped him a hundred dollar bill, which he quickly threw into the flames and then laughed at us. Instead of a cozy cabin or couples massages, there was nothing but damned souls continually swept away by violent wind. We tried to stop one of the couples, but were swept up in the winds ourselves. After finally getting away from the wind, I was groped by King Henry VIII, who fondled one of my breasts. I give it two stars, but only because of the breast fondling by a historical figure.

“No fine dining”

I give this place only one star. Do not go to the circle of hell, Gluttony, it’s not what you think. My boyfriend and I were in the mood to try a new restaurant and decided to take a trip to Gluttony, where you would expect a plethora of restaurants. There wasn’t a single all you could eat seafood buffet in sight. There was nothing but the wailing of souls, who had to wallow in a putrid mud for all eternity. You wouldn’t be able to eat there anyway, the place smelled like rotten eggs from all the sulphur burning. I thought I saw John Travolta, but my boyfriend didn’t think he was dead yet. We had to leave quickly because my boyfriend was bitten by a three-headed dog and had to get a tetanus shot.

helljohn

“Forever Damned”

My friends and I decided to do some shopping in hell in the circle of Greed. I wanted to get a new dress, but there wasn’t a single Nordstrom in the area. There was nothing but the wailing of wretched souls pushing giant rocks up a hill. Also, the staff there was rude, because they kept poking us with pitchforks. One of my friends tried to ask a woman who was wrapped in large chains about any sales, but the woman only snarled. We not only left empty-handed, I accidentally grazed one of the flames and got third degree burns on my leg. I give Greed only one star.

“This place was schweet”

My bros and I wanted to check out the circle of Violence in hell and we were not disappointed, because it lived up to its name. We were ferried across the river Styx and our ferryman pushed two of my friends into the swampy water; they had to swim the rest of the way across. I laughed and laughed. When we got off the ferry we had to fight a Minotaur, who would not let us pass. The Minotaur quickly realized why, ‘you don’t mess with Texas’ because we’re armed to the teeth. We could see souls being boiled alive in a river of blood and fire. You could smell the burnt flesh; it was so cool. We were surrounded by murders, tyrants, blasphemers and sodomites. Good times. Finally the fun had to come to an end, because one of my friends got his hand caught in a harpy’s mouth. I whole-heartedly give the place five stars. Does anyone know how you cook Minotaur?

To Poll or Not to Poll?

 

Image result for funny pictures poll trump clinton

Do we take too many polls? Well consider the following excerpt from Marietta Rodger’s (mediocre writer of rubbish. She means well though) novel, The Bill, where a Representative checks his approval rating.

“Joe went on PollTroll to check his poll numbers for today. His approval rating was at seventy-five percent; yesterday it was at seventy-six percent. Why had his approval rating dropped a percent in one day? The answer according to PollTroll was his paisley tie. Joe read PollTroll’s explanation and recommendation.”

Paisley patterns are made up of tear-shaped designs, making the wearer appear to be a cry baby or weak. Their origin is Persian and suggests the wearer is unpatriotic. Furthermore, the pattern is often found in rugs, making it hard to discern whether they are wearing a tie or someone’s door mat. This makes their beliefs unclear, the wearer a flip-flopper and perhaps even their sexual orientation ambiguous. Our recommendation is to discard the paisley tie in favor of royal blue or emerald green, something that represents strength. People wearing one of these ties are certain in their beliefs and leave no doubt as to their sexual orientation.

Polls are inherently flawed, because they involve human emotion. So, unless they are not done by a human or sentient computer that says, “I’m sorry Dave; I’m afraid I can’t do that;” they are tainted with bias. There are at least eleven major political polling organizations and that’s just within the United States. Aside from being flat out wrong in presidential races, like having Landon beating Roosevelt, Dewey beating Truman and Gore beating Bush (that one really hurt), what do they really tell us?  They tell us things like, which candidate is trustworthy, which candidate is tougher on foreign policy and which candidate loves Jesus the most (they all do). Fox, MSNBC, and CNN are all obsessed with poll numbers and cover every minutia of the political process to increase their ratings.  None of the polls predicted the rise of an orange-faced philistine, who thinks that everything is either “great” or a “disaster.” No one wants to be contacted about polls; we avoid them like a Warrant cover band. It’s not just in the United States, international polls were wrong about the Israel national election, the Scottish referendum and most notably the Brexit vote in the UK.

Polls have taken the place of good judgment and common sense. So, why do we keep relying on polls if they are consistently inaccurate? We keep hoping they will be right, but they keep disappointing us, just like Fruit Stripe Gum.  We like polls, because we are obsessed with trying to predict the future and what’s going to happen.

It’s not just in politics; companies are constantly taking surveys, which are just a poll in long form, to try and improve their products and services. Do they really improve their products though? *coughs Fruit Stripe Gum*

Etch A Sketch, which is still being made and sold by Spin Master Company, has not been updated since its invention in 1960.

Most receipts today have a number on the bottom you can call to take a brief survey. If you can ever make it all the way to the bottom of your CVS receipt it says, “be sure and read part two of the three part trilogy,” and it also directs you to go to go to their website and take their online survey. You can take the online survey and even offer suggestions or complaints. Sure, you might get your money back on the stool softener you bought, because it didn’t soften your stool, but in the end; your ass still hurts.

Did you like this article?

No.

I didn’t read it.

It made me want to buy stool softener.

All of the above.

Interview with Tony @bornmiserable

tonyavi

 

Today I’m speaking with Tony, who is known as the very funny @bornmiserable on Twitter. Tony is a musician, artist, Sylvia Plath enthusiast, member of the band Stryper, foot model, cheese connoisseur and a bad ass defender of social justice.

M: Everyone I talk to loves you. What’s it like being adored by the world?

T:  Ha! I don’t know – you’d have to ask Boo the dog about that.

M: I did ask Boo and he said to stop making eye contact with him.

M: Where are you located on the planet?

T:  I’m scattered around Los Angeles.

M: By day, you’re a mild-mannered artist, but by night, you’re a superhero known as @bornmiserable on the Twitter. Were you really miserable from day 1?

T:  Likely, although photographic evidence that I dug up from my backyard seems to prove otherwise here and there. I do feel like I was meant to be miserable…so I suppose I’ve been sorted out.

M:  I’m glad to hear that I’m not the only one who keeps their photo albums in the back yard.

M: You are a wonderful musician and you have a YouTube page called The Blackout Choir, in which you cover a variety of different artists on your acoustic guitar. What is your musical background and what musicians had the most influence on you?

T:  After I received my first electric guitar, I took guitar lessons briefly in middle school, which barely resulted in me knowing one scale and a few chords. Aside from one other beginner class I took later in college, I taught myself everything else. My influences are too many to mention – musicians from Sam Cooke, the Supremes, and the Left Banke to James, Morrissey, and the Durutti Column influenced me the most. I align with music that means something lyrically or strikes an emotional response instrumentally.

M: Have you ever had the chance to meet or even work with an artist you’ve admired?

T:  I have had the opportunity to meet one of my most favorite artists – Andy Prieboy, who was in Wall of Voodoo and also wrote Tomorrow Wendy, which Concrete Blonde covered and whose version is more familiar to people. He was gracious enough to listen to some covers I did of his songs and has a caricature drawing I did of him propped up in his studio. I’ve also supplied backup vocals to a song of his as well.

M: Do you play with any bands, or are you strictly a solo artist?

T:  For the majority of what I do, I tend to work alone – I’ve done collaborations in the past with my friends, where I sing on something or have them sing backup vocals and/or play an instrument for me. For example, I recorded vocals for my best friend Dawn’s cover of Radiohead’s Street Spirit (Fade Out):

She’s also done some amazing piano work for me and recently put out a song on SoundCloud called Insomnia, which I invite everyone to listen to and follow her:

M: I listened to your Smith/Morrissey cover songs. They filled me full of teenage angst and I had to go brood in my room. I imagine if he heard them he would say, “That sounds nothing like me, not even Morrissey sounds like Morrisey,” and then he’d go do some yoga. Do you ever have any outbursts like Morrissey?

T:  I think I do – I wake up in the morning and I’m immediately annoyed that I woke up! I do find myself exorcising my outbursts in my writing, whether it’s tweets or perhaps lyrics.

M: I love your cover of American Music by the Violent Femmes; it’s my favorite. Have you ever covered any Depeche Mode or Talking Heads songs?

T:  No Talking Heads yet, but I have covered Depeche Mode’s Judas, which seems to be relatively up my alley both musically and thematically.

M: Do you strictly play acoustic guitar? Have you ever been tempted to pick up an electric guitar, put on a bandana and play Sweet Child of Mine?

T:  Hahaha, no bandanas for me. I’m a simple man – I play acoustic guitar, electric guitar, six string bass and regular bass guitar. I’ve dabbled in some keyboards, but mostly to complement my guitars in my instrumental work and original songs.

M: In addition to being a musician, you are also a very fine artist. Do you sell any of your work, or is it just something you like to do in your spare time?

T:  I don’t sell any of my work, except for the random design that goes up on RedBubble. I just draw at random, whenever I feel like I’d rather not sing or play music or cause my next door neighbors to wish death upon me. Drawing tweets has been a good way of inspiring me in a different way, by hopefully taking someone’s funny tweet and taking it a step further visually.

M: I’m a big fan of your tweets and I know you hate to get political, but what do you think of our current state of politics and do you think Donald Trump will really make extinction level event great again?

T:  I never thought I would ever write political tweets but I’m afraid it was inevitable, much like the downfall of MC Hammer pants. I think the current state of politics is simply what happens when you let everyone into MENSA – the idiots believe they’re just as smart as the people who are actually qualified to be there. As far as Donald Trump is concerned, his campaign is entirely based on what I like to call the John Edward of politics – he doesn’t have a gift for anything but grasping at straws of fear that his supporters already brought to their Cracker barrel potluck. We don’t’ need ISIS to destroy us – we already have the help of Donald Trump’s supporters to accomplish that.

M: [Takes off MC Hammer pants] Would you be willing to draw me as a unicorn impaling Donald Trump with my horn?

T:  That would be fantastic, although I feel that’s too noble of a death for someone like him.

https://twitter.com/bornmiserable/status/752553138662486016

M: Tell the juvenile delinquents and the morbidly obese where they can find you on the interwebs.

T:  People who apparently have an interest in the exceptionally mundane can find me on Twitter at: www.twitter.com/bornmiserable or if they wish to punish their eyes and their ears, they can find me on YouTube at: www.youtube.com/TheBlackoutChoir

TERRORforming Mars

mars-bust-facebook-1

What would Mars be like if Americans took it over? Well, to quote from the movie Space Balls, “Oh shit; there goes the planet.” Move over Ray Bradbury, there’s a new chronicle to be written, one with superstores, shitty movie remakes and diabetes and it’s called, ‘Murica 2. The greatest country on Earth, has now just become the greatest planet in the solar system. But before we get ahead of ourselves and start building a Build-A-Bear Workshop, we would have to mark the territory with a giant American flag and then say the Pledge of Allegiance.

What religion would Americans practice on Mars? What could be more appropriate than Scientology. It’s finally right where it belongs; in outer space. Welcome to the Mars Church of Scientology founded by Tom Cruise, where everyone is welcome. HaHa…just kidding poor people. The book Dianetics has been replaced with the script of Top Gun, which you must purchase a page at a time. Once you have the entire script and your IQ has dropped by 20 points you’ve achieved enlightenment. Yes, the Mars Church of Scientology, where you can be spiritually enlightened for the right price.

What type of government would Americans have on Mars? There would be a two party system, but unlike complicated presidential primaries, where the rules vary from state to state, two candidates would be selected through rigorous games of Twister. The last two people left from either party, will then face off in Thunderdome. Two people enter, one person leaves to become the President. Terms will only last two weeks and then it’s on to another election cycle. Congress would be made up of monkeys, orangutans and baboons, just like in America now. Instead of Secret Service for life, each former president will get a life time membership to Planet Fitness.

Which businesses get to be on an American Mars? Parcels of land will be sold off to the highest bidder. Mars would soon be filled with Applebee’s, Wal-Mart’s, Starbucks’ and garish skyscrapers with the words, “Trump Tower” stenciled on the front. All major manufacturing jobs will be outsourced to Venus in order to keep the costs of products low. Not all parcels of land would be available for commercial use though; I mean otherwise there would be no place for Exxon Mobile and BP to drill.

Finally, how would the average everyday Joe and Jane spend their days on Mars? The same way as they do in America, with their heads down looking at their phones and salivating at the mouth, as they sit down at McDonald’s waiting for a super-sized, triple bacon burger, fries and of course, a diet Coke. Yes, the places on Mars have Wi-Fi, don’t be silly, otherwise we’d walk, because that’s a deal breaker. Fire all the guns you want, because the fun never stops and neither do the bullets, literally. So, come to Mars, because you might be a fat on Earth, but here on Mars you’re light as a feather.

scooter