Facts Are Stubborn Things


Since we live in the age of alternative facts and fake news, here are 20 of my own facts, that everyone should memorize and then use in a job interview.

List of 12 Original Out of the Office Replies


Out of the office replies, let your coworkers know that you are out running through a field with cotton candy, while they are stuck in their cubicles, slowly dying. Sure, you can tell everyone that you’re out and when you’ll be back, but that’s boring. Here are 12, out of the office replies you can use, that will guarantee you will be out of the office for good.

If you’re not following me on Twitter, you hate America and unicorns too probably and for Christ sake, buy one of my books.



Ten Ways To Prevent Your Coworkers From Telling You About Their Weekend


It’s Friday afternoon; it’s almost time to go and that one coworker, who is always just a little too happy, wants to tell you about their weekend plans and if they don’t catch you on Friday, they will find a way on Monday to corner you and tell you in excruciating detail, all about how they pressure washed their deck. Here are ten full proof ways to nip that right in the bud.

10 Things to Say to Make It More Awkward on an Elevator.


It’s awkward enough, just standing in such close proximity with a stranger in the elevator. A Phil Collins song is playing in the background and you’re both just staring straight ahead and wishing a fiery inferno would consume the elevator. Well, here are ten things that I have posted on my Twitter account you can say, to make things even more awkward.

We Gon’ Party Like It’s Yo Birthday: Seven Unique Birthday Party Ideas For Your Kids.


Kids birthday parties are getting more and more extreme, with parents trying to come up with a birthday party theme that has never been done before and where money is no object. Gone are the days, where your mom bakes your birthday cake, invites a few of your friends over, you play some lame-ass games of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and all the parents adjourn to the living room to get drunk on martinis. So, here are seven birthday party ideas for your kid, that are sure to be remembered in their therapy sessions.

1. Morgue. What better way to literally let your kid know your dreams are dead, than to surround them with corpses. A mortician will show them how to fix a loved ones’ hair horribly and put them in the dress selected by a relative, that they hated, which is why it was hanging in the back of the closet, so they can wear it for all eternity. Kids will each get their own corpse and a set of paints and paint brushes, so they can design their own face, because creativity never dies.

2. Crack House. Be the talk of the town, by having your kids party in a dilapidated house with broken needles all over the floor. Kids will learn that chemistry is cool, as a junkie, who used to be a banker, shows them the different ways to process and smoke crack. The kids will know just what to do, in the event that someone over doses, by riding along with a junkie, as they drive up to the emergency room entrance, drop the dying person off in front and quickly drive away. You might end up going to jail for a while, but trust me; it will have been well worth it.

3. Improv Class. Your kids will quickly learn how to cry on demand, as the acting instructor, a 70 year old woman, who performed in some obscure plays in the 1950’s, with a cigarette dangling from her lips, yells in a Polish accent, “More emotion! Your acting is garbage!” The kids will get to spend some time pretending to be animals and inanimate objects, but mostly listening to a thirty minute lecture on how the death of Elia Kazan was the death of method acting and how she once seduced Lee Strasberg. The kids will leave with their self-esteem destroyed guaranteed or your money back.

4. Trump Tower. This one will cost you a little more money, but well worth it, to have your kids birthday party in this tasteless gauche monstrosity. Kids will learn that more is more, not less. Don’t think that just because your theme is crude, garish, post-modern architecture, that you can’t go old school and hire a clown. Yes, for a little more money (a lot) Donald Trump will entertain your kids by acting like a buffoon and telling nonsensical stories about himself, that aren’t true and have no real point. Your kid will leave knowing they are a winner (for an additional fee in advance) or your money back. Well, not really.

5. Whole Foods. This one is free, if you can prove you’ve read every Saul Bellow novel, keep a picture of Sylvia Plath in your wallet taken by Diane Arbus and aren’t on social media. The kids will have fun, as a PhD student in philosophy, shows them the art of pairing every day food items together, in order to charge an exorbitant price. The kids will each get to take a turn, ridiculing a patron, because they forgot their reusable PBS tote bag. The little ones will have fun, as they try to master the art of condescension without saying a word, just by moving their eyebrows. Each kid will leave with a ‘goody bag’ filled with the ingredients to make their own gluten free kale salad.

6. 19th Century London. This theme will transport your kids back in time, to a quaint city of smog, pestilence, Jack the Ripper, brothels and the setting for many of Charles Dickens’ novels. No child labor laws here, the kids will each receive a broom and become chimney sweepers for ten hours, after which, they will receive one shilling, in which they can buy one loaf of bread with or without maggots (kids choice). In keeping with the theme, each child will get a free lemon to suck on, as to prevent scurvy and/or rickets. The kids will practice being morose and melancholy, as they are told they are going to die at a young age of “consumption.”

7. Armory. It’s the second amendment all the way, with this birthday party theme, that is sure to create a bang with the kids. Someone’s batshit crazy uncle, who believes that, “the end times are near,” will issue each child a military weapon, not available for purchase by private citizens, which he obtained illegally, and let them practice shooting targets. With one shot, the kids will watch in delight and/or horror as the target, trees, squirrels and a few appendages are obliterated. They won’t get to keep the guns, but don’t worry, no child will walk away empty handed. With the purchase of the deluxe package, each child will be given a slice of pizza, cake, and a live grenade.

I made Bourgeois Aliens Shiny Garbage List. I am so honored! Thanks Twitter, You Got me Through 2016. The 33 Tweeters That Were Bright Spots in a Garbage Carnival of a year:


For some, Twitter is a place to inexplicably tweet about their favorite sandwich, post yet another selfie, or if you’re a trump troll, it’s a place to spew hate one misspelled word at a time. But for me, and for the scores of people that I follow, it’s about one thing: humor. And yes, of course, absolutely politics too- but even then it’s usually done under the umbrella of comedy.

When I hear a friend say, “I just don’t get Twitter” I wonder if they know that there’s a whole corner of Twitter that’s solely dedicated to hysterical, biting tweets. It’s a daily battle of wits, a place for those of us that savor language and intelligence go to not only entertain each other, but to make it through an otherwise bleak period in American history.  It’s better than any game, any crossword, or any show. There’s only one rule:…

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Who Cares about Body Image: Barbie Gives Girls Unrealistic Expectations of Career Opportunities


We all know that Barbie’s impossible body proportions, lead to self-destructive behavior and eating disorders in girls, in an effort to obtain society’s definition of beauty, but we’ve already lost that battle thanks to movies, magazines and social media. Let’s focus on the real danger Barbie makes on impressionable young girls. Barbie sells pipe dreams to little girls. Princess, Sea World Trainer, Street Rapper…when is the last time you saw a job listing for “UNICEF Summit Diplomat” on monster.com? Job agencies are baffled by the Barbie phenomena.

“You might as well put ‘unemployed’ on your resume,” Joel Harper a representative at jobexperts.org. said.

There has been an alarming trend especially among Millennial’s, who have grown up with parents catering to their every whim, so they don’t damage their fragile psyches that are hanging on by a thread. A generation that is susceptible to everything they read on the internet wants to emulate their favorite Barbie; the allure of becoming a Pet Stylist for a celebrity is too enticing. Job Recruiters are finding it hard though to match these skills with potential employers.

“It’s my job to window dress these turds, so that I can entice employers; it’s almost impossible. I had to change one young ladies title on her resume from ‘Ocean Treasurer Explorer’ to ‘Certified Underwater Investigative Salvager’ and use words like, ‘under water odyssey.’ I work entirely on commission,” Rob Stanley Corporate Account Manager at Executive Resume Writers Inc. said.

These young women have to return to school to acquire new skills, mainly those applicable to getting actual jobs. It has become an increasing burden on parents that they still have to support their twenty-something daughter, who is eating into their retirement savings.

Beatrice Stall, former employee at the Mattel Corporation, explains part of the problem. “It’s the damn accessories. The company zeros in on what young ladies want. I mean pom-poms, castles, ball gowns a pink and purple wet suit, jobs don’t come with these kind of perks in real life unless you’re a stripper. These girls think it’s like Sex and the City and it makes it seem like Barbie is in a lucrative career. In reality, all she does is promise broken dreams.”

Surveys taken with young ladies between the ages of 18 and 28 say they are getting tired of the typical career path; they want excitement. They don’t want to end up stuck at a desk all day; they want to be able to take cool selfies of themselves with a sea turtle to post on Instagram. For decades Barbie has portrayed an unobtainable body image that causes girls to lose confidence in their looks, but what is destroying feminism next to unemployment in this economy.

The Emails of Jean-Paul Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir


November 2, 2016

Dear Beaver,

Do you mind me calling you that? I’ve been meaning to ask you for decades, but it keeps slipping my mind. I sat in Starbucks today sipping my cappuccino and typing away on my laptop. A millennial asked me if I were writing a screen play and then laughed at me. I don’t get the joke. I was writing a screen play though.




November 5, 2016

Dear Little One,

Now that you bring it up, I really don’t like being called a beaver. A beaver has buck teeth and a big tail. Are you trying to imply something? Are you working on an existentialist screen play? I have to make a confession; I don’t know what existentialist means.




November 8, 2016

Fine then, stop calling me Little One.


P.S I don’t know what existentialist means either.


November 10, 2016

Don’t get bent out of shape. I was talking about your stature, not your penis.



November 13, 2016

Smoking…scowling…smoking…sex…smoking…I’m being very French today.




November 14, 2016

I’m having a rendezvous with one of my lovers today and with a different lover on Tuesday and with someone, and I’ve quite forgotten who, on Thursday. Hopefully I’ll remember by Thursday but if not, do you want to meet for coffee?

Love and kisses,



November 15, 2016

Dear Simone,

I got into a religious discussion with a priest today and I told him ‘existence precedes essence.’ I thought it was quite good; I should write that down. He told me I was going to hell and I quipped ‘Hell is other people.’ I’m so clever sometimes. Did you remember who your Thursday lover is? Just let me know what time; I don’t want it to conflict with my Thursday romantic encounter. I don’t have one yet, but I’m sure I will by Thursday.



November 16, 2016

I remembered now that my romantic tryst was supposed to be with you on Thursday. That works out great, because then we can get coffee after.



November 18, 2016

I got into an argument with that absurdist writer Albert Camus. He said that existentialism is a load of crap; shit happens, so just deal with it. I told him the only thing absurd about him was his writing. He pointed out that he won The Nobel Peace Prize for Literature.

I hate bourgeois Frenchmen.



My Guest Spot: Yes, Funny People Hate Clowns by Bourgeois Alien


Trigger warning: Clowns

I’m kidding. I don’t believe in  trigger warnings. Life itself is a trigger warning, Chuckles.


I hate clowns. Their bizarre colored skin, stupid facial expressions, ridiculous orange hair, loud voice, and the whole ironically running for president dog and pony show…wait, I got confused. That’s Donald Trump. I’m talking about my hatred for all clowns, not just the billionaire orangutan. And I’m aware this isn’t a unique statement- hating clowns. In fact, most people I’ve spoken to find clowns horrible. But I wanted to know why- why others find them revolting. I decided to ask several writers, comedians, and other genuinely creative people their thoughts on what exactly makes clowns so grotesque…

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Interview with Godot

waiting for godot

I’m sitting in the back of a small café sipping my tea. My purse is beside me on the table along with my notes. I’ve already been waiting 20 minutes before Godot finally arrives. He is wearing a pair of Pierre Balmain jeans, open vest with no shirt underneath, a blue Portolano scarf and cradled in one arm is a white Mal-Shi. Godot approaches my table and without apologizing for being late, he sits the dog on the table. Both dog and owner look hung over. The waiter takes our orders and I dive right in with my list of questions.

M: You just won your fourth Oscar and you’re working on a new movie called, The Sacrifice. What is the movie about?

G: Yes, I have four Oscars; I would have five but the Academy is biased. The movie is about the sacrifice a family has to make after the stock market crash of 1929. The family has to get rid of most of their help; they can only afford to retain one maid. I play the role of the father, who is desperately trying to hold his family together.

The waiter comes back with our order. He puts a plate of Cobb salad in front of me and a cappuccino in front of Godot and without drinking it he tells the waiter it’s cold and to take it back.

M: How did you prepare for that role?

Godot doesn’t answer right away. He takes out some paper along with a pouch of tobacco from his vest. He lays the paper on the table and dumps the tobacco out, some of it lands on the paper, but most of it lands in a big heap on the table. He starts rolling the cigarette, while the Mal-Shi starts licking the pile of tobacco. Godot lights the cigarette and takes a long puff from it. A woman sitting at the table next to us complains and he calls her a slag.

G: I got rid of all my staff except for one maid. It was okay at first; it was kind of like camping, but after a while we began to tear each other apart. We lived like animals for a year.

I take a bite of my Cobb Salad, while Godot puffs away and the Mal-Shi stares at me with his judgmental eyes. He thinks I’m fat. The waiter brings Godot another cappuccino.

M: Most directors won’t work with you because you are habitually late and argue with your fellow cast members. Why do you always make people wait for you? Do you feel like one day you will unemployable?

G: They can either wait for me or find another actor, because I arrive when I’m ready. I can be a father trying to keep his family together, an astronaut, the President…I can be fucking God anytime I choose. I have a rare talent; I will never be unemployable.

M: You and your wife recently had a baby. How has fatherhood changed your perspective of the world?

The waiter approaches our table with trepidation and asks Godot to put out the cigarette, which he does by throwing it into the cappuccino. The Mal-Shi who is also offended, lifts his leg up to pee on my Cobb salad.

G: It hasn’t; the world is a toilet bowel and everyone is a pile of shit and I still believe that.

M: You learned your craft from the great Samuel Beckett who was your mentor. How were you influenced by him?

Godot pounds on the table. The Mal-Shi barks at me and starts to chew on my purse strap. He knows it is from last season.

G: Samuel Beckett was second-rate playwright. He did not make me into an actor; I made me. I have four Oscars.

He starts gesticulating wildly with his hands. The Mal-Shi is still attacking my purse. Everyone in the café is now looking at Godot, because he is shouting and looks like a wild man. The waiter who is about to cry, tells him to keep his voice down. As if my intuition or perhaps because his owner has done it a thousand times, the Mal-Shi jumps off the table right before Godot flips it over. My purse lands on the floor and the pissy Cobb salad lands in my lap.

G: You are a hack writer and your magazine is shit.

Godot picks up the Mal-Shi and storms out of the café. The waiter, who is weeping, offers me a towel and the bill.