Trump or Nixon

nixonarcher

Trump or Nixon, the trivia game that is fun for the entire family. Which President, either Nixon and/or Trump is the correct answer. Warning: May burst into flames while you’re playing it.

I am a paranoid man with an inferiority complex.

My attorney general had to recuse himself.

I fired the head of the FBI.

I established the EPA.

I put a climate denier as head of the EPA.

My Vice President resigned.

I said, “I am not a crook.”

I tried to impede an FBI investigation against me.

I had the special prosecutor fired.

I had an actual list made up of my enemies.

I threatened an American city with martial law.

I taped all my conversations in the Oval Office.

I did not win the popular vote.

I secretly, without Congress knowing, bombed a country and thus destabilized that country for years.

I signed an executive order, banning certain Muslim countries from entering the United States.

I sabotaged a former President’s attempt to negotiate a peace treaty.

Bonus Question:

I am an orange, robot-monkey with tiny hands.

Mad Trump Beyond Blunderdome

trump thunderdome

Donald Trump, or ASSter Blaster if you will, runs Bartertown, which is mired in a Russian collusion scandal, that can only be described as a really lame-ass Thunderdome and coincidentally is fueled by the same thing as Bartertown, pig feces. In this arena, it doesn’t matter how many men enter, because they all leave, either by resigning, being fired or recusal. No one has gotten out of Blunderdome yet by dying, but don’t worry, there is still plenty of time for that. At this point, it is hard to keep track of how many people have exited Blunderdome, but here are some of the key players.

James Comey –  Head of the FBI, not fired immediately when Trump takes office, but on the 107th day into his presidency over, “mishandling of Hillary email investigation.” Certainly there is nothing suspect about firing the top official leading a criminal investigation against you. It’s not obstructing justice; it’s called Tuesday.

Mike Flynn – He’s everything you could want in a National Security Adviser and more. He was fired by Trump after lying about contacts with Russian officials, misleading the Vice President, discussing US sanctions, taking payments from groups associated with foreign governments, lobbying for foreign governments, being vulnerable to blackmail by the Russian government and his recipe for guacamole. (It’s Chipotle)

Preet Bharara – An Obama appointed, US Attorney from NY, who was fired by Trump, because he refused to resign. He was fired, despite the fact he was told by Trump when taking office, that he could keep his job. Bharara was investigating corrupt Russian businessmen with ties to Trump aides. He was also investigating Tom Price, Trump’s head of Health and Human Service Services, who traded health related stocks, while working on legislation affecting those same firms. He was investigating Trump’s favorite news organization, FUX News and former Chief, Roger Ailes, for failure to inform shareholders about sexual harassment settlements. Finally, Bharara was investigating Trump’s claim that Obama wire tapped Trump Tower. So many investigations, so little time.

Sally Yates – Acting Attorney General, who was fired by Trump, after she refused to enforce his executive order on travel and immigration. She told the White House that National Security Adviser, Mike Flynn, was vulnerable to blackmail by the Russians and he misled the Vice President about his conduct. After waiting 18 days and playing a few rounds of golf, Trump took her advice and fired Flynn. She was finally allowed to testify, and she divulged, that she told the White House that National Security Adviser, Mike Flynn was vulnerable to blackmail by the Russians; it was a startling revelation to Republicans.

Jeff Sessions –  Attorney General and my favorite character on Dukes of Hazzard, recused himself, from both anything involving the Russian interference with the presidential campaign and the investigation of the Clinton emails, all while consistently sticking his nose into the Russian interference and the Clinton emails. He also failed to disclose that he met with a Russian envoy during his Attorney General confirmations. He committed perjury about disclosing meetings with a Russian Ambassador. Apparently though, it’s not perjury if you say it like Forrest Gump.

Jason Chaffetz –  House Oversight Chairman and Soul Glo spokesman, abruptly announced he would not be seeking re-election. Then he announced he had to leave Congress for a month to have immediate surgery on a twelve year old foot injury, but only days later he was back in Congress. Nobody knows what is currently going on with Jason Chaffetz, including Jason Chaffetz. One thing is clear though, he thought it was time to turn in his Nazi Death’s Head ring and Jacuzzi pass, before having to eat a giant fuck sandwich. Thank God he didn’t leave before he voted in favor of the Republican Affordable Care Act.

Carter Page –  Former foreign policy adviser and grown man with dimples, resigned after it came out that he lied about discussing sanctions with Russian officials. The FBI obtained a FISA warrant to monitor his links between Russia and the campaign. In order to divert the DOJ from investigating him, he wrote a letter asking them to look into election fraud, disinformation and other abuses of the Hillary Clinton team. He’s available as a male escort, but only in the Cleveland area.

Roger Stone –  Former Trump Adviser and evil Keebler Elf, either quit or was fired by Trump, depending on who you ask. He had prior knowledge and tweeted about trouble for the Clinton campaign, right before official John Podesta’s emails were hacked by Wikileaks. Stone had communications with Guccifer 2.0, which is a Nickelback cover band and the alias of Russian hackers that hacked into the 2016 election. The most egregious thing that Stone did by far though, was have Nixon’s face tattooed on his back. (I wish that were a joke)

Horton Says, WTF? By Dr. Seuss

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On the 8th of November, in the United States, in the midst of insanity, Horton heard something that caused a calamity.

Horton turned on Fox News and watched with sad eyes, as the woman he voted for, said her goodbyes.

He couldn’t believe it. Was it just bad luck? When Horton heard Donald Trump won the presidency, he said, “what the fuck?”

No way the President is that silly orange man. No way is it the guy, who was endorsed by the Klan.

The country is doomed now, if this is how it stands. We’ve elected a man with tiny-sized hands.

It was crazy, the things he had said. How did he win? The man couldn’t hold two thoughts in his head.

No, this simply won’t do. He did not win the popular vote. What a big pile of poo!

He’ll destroy our healthcare and hurt the elderly and sick. He’ll get rid of meals on wheels, which made Horton say, “what a dick!”

Trump will sign executive orders right and left and left and right. He’ll roll back Obama’s policies just out of spite.

You just wait and see. He’ll issue a travel band on Muslim countries, which made Horton say, “oh, fuck me!”

His Presidency will be shrouded in Russian hacking and spies. An albino Press Secretary will spin all his lies.

Would everything work out? The chances were small, not with his Chief Strategist, Erwin Rommel, with one ring to rule them all.

They’ll be homophobic and xenophobic polices that aren’t very nice. No indeed, not with a Vice President they carved out of ice.

He’ll have a crazy counselor; the worse to be found. A blonde, who looks like she got spun too fast on the merry-go-round.

Horton did not know what to think. What could he do? Well, first things first, Horton said, “I need a drink!”

Horton drank shot after shot and he got thoroughly drunk. Will this stand? Horton said, “I think not.”

He had a plan. Now he knew what to do. He said, “I will go to D.C,” and then threw up on his shoe.

He would not let democracy die. Horton jumped on his Moped, because he lost his license after his third DUI.

Horton will do something, in that you can trust. He crawled along on his Moped muttering, “impeachment or bust!”

Horton started to feel sick and it was getting dark. He pulled over to lie down on the bench in the park.

Before he passed out he thought, the whole thing really did suck. “I say,” murmured Horton, “what the fuck?”

Name That Russian: Everyone’s Least Favorite Game Show.

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“Welcome to another exciting edition of, Name That Russian; the game show where everyone is a loser. I’m your host, Phil Bankrupt. Our first contestant is Jared Kushner. Jared, tell the audience about yourself. ”

“What audience?”

“The cameraman and that one old guy in the raincoat, who always sits in the back row.”

“I’m a J. Crew mannequin and I’m married to Ivanka Trump. We have an open relationship; she let’s me see other money.”

“Fantastic! Are you ready to play, Name That Russian?”

“Wait, I thought this was, Fox and Friends.”

“No, you’re on the game show Name That Russian.”

“I got confused.”

“No problem Jared; people confuse our two game shows all the time. Are you ready?

“Yes, I’m ready Phil.”

“I worked in the Soviet Ministry of Foreign Affairs and then on to First Secretary Counselor at the Embassy of the Soviet Union. I’m currently a Russian Ambassador to the United States and met several times with former U.S. National Security Advisory, Mike Flynn. Jared, can you name that Russian?”

“Am I getting paid for this?”

“No, that is incorrect; the correct answer is Sergey Kislyak. Sorry, you didn’t get it right, but we have a parting gift for you; it’s an amazing, douchey new sweater vest.”

“I like money.”

“And we like money too, here on Name That Russian. I owe back alimony and child support. Our next contestant is Carter Page. Carter, tell everyone a little about yourself.”

“I’m a grown man with dimples.”

“Yes you are! Tell me Carter, are you ready to play Name that Russian?

“Am I under oath?”

“No, you are not under oath.”

“Then yes, I’m ready.”

“I was Chairman of Management Board at State Corporation Bank and then worked for Yukos Moscow Oil Company. I’m currently Chairman of the Board at Vnesheconombank, a bank specifically named in UN sanctions and I repeatedly had business meetings with Jared Kushner, son-in-law to the President of the United States. Carter, can you name that Russian?”

“I don’t know, but I didn’t meet with him outside of Cleveland.”

“Of course you didn’t. The correct answer is Sergey Gorkov. Sorry to see you go, but we have a parting gift for you. Carter, you will take home with you, this brand new pile of garbage.”

“I’m white.”

“Indeed you are Carter. Our next contestant is Donald Trump. Donald, tell the folks at home about yourself.”

“First of all, you have to change the slogan of your show. It should be the game show, where everyone is a loser except Trump.”

“I will talk to our executive producers after the show.”

“I like to golf, ignore my family, put my name on yuge buildings, everything I say is a lie and most importantly, I’m a winner.”

“Outstanding! Are you–”

“Wait. Wait a second; I almost forgot. I’m also President of the United States.”

“I know; that’s why I’m an alcoholic. Alright, let’s get started. I was a KGB Officer for sixteen years. I was also Prime Minister of Russia. I like to ride horses with my shirt off, I have everyone killed who opposes me. I’m the current President of Russia and my country hacked your shit show of an election. Donald, can you name that Russian?”

“Call me, Mr. President Trump. Yes, I know this one; it is so easy. The answer is Vladimir Putin.”

“Vladimir Putin is the correct answer. Mr. President Trump, you win our grand prize. It’s a lovely 2017 impeachment.”

“I hate peaches.”

“Well, that’s all the time today we have for Name That Russian, the game show where everyone is a loser, except Trump. I’m late to see my parole officer. Tune in next week, where the godfather of the Italian mob, Paul Manafort, will throw money at the audience.”

We Don’t Need No Education: Principles of Trumponomics 101 Syllabus

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Course:  Principles of Trumponomics 101, Make Economics Great Again.

Instructor:  Donald “Jazzy” Trump.

Office Phone:  (202) 555-4212. (Sean Spicer’s home phone)

Term:  Fall 2018.

Class Time:  MWF 11 – 11:50 am.

Office Hours:  During non-peak Twitter hours only.

Course Description:  This course is an introduction to whack-assed economics, as it relates to employing concepts to help you understand the dystopian clown carnival you now live in. We will focus heavily on bankruptcy laws and how to use them to your advantage. Also, how to save money, by leaving small contractors unpaid for their work. Adam Smith’s, “Invisible Hand” will be replaced with my tiny, man-hands, which I will strangle the American economy with. In Principles of Trumponomics, students will learn non-traditional problem solving techniques, like pulling random numbers out of your ass. We will learn the importance of down-sizing your company, by firing entry-level workers. A fiscal policy known in my Human Centipede administration as, “cutting the crusts off a shit sandwich.” In this course we will discuss the benefits of getting rid of TPP, while still being down with O.P.P. Students will learn to think up insults that will alienate all of our trading partners (except Russia) and how to start an expensive trade war, that will take down the entire American economy.

Learning Objectives:  LOL!

Application Objectives:  Students will plot their data using a bar graph or pie chart. An actual pie is also acceptable. If an illegal immigrant steals your pie, come see me during my office hours. Feel free to use alternate facts or real facts; I won’t know the difference. Remember, it’s not about accountability, but deniability.

Prerequisites:  Reaganomics, elementary school and must follow me on Twitter.

Text:  The Art of the Deal.

Grading:  All grading will be done by my chief economic adviser, Gary Cohn, using a rubric cube.

Academic Honesty:  Each student will sign the honor code. Cheating and plagiarism are not tolerated with the exception of the following sources:  Fox News, Breitbart News, Glenn Beck Program, anncoulter.com, fortune cookies and Wikipedia.

End-of-term Course Evaluations:  At the end of the term, you have the opportunity to evaluate me and the quality of the course. Any evaluations that aren’t terrific, fantastic, amazing or great will result in failing the course.

CabinetMatch.com Let Trump Find a Match For You.

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GOPDADDY

My name is Rick Perry and I’m a Virgin…I mean Virgo. I’ve been selected for Energy Secretary; I used to want to eliminate the Department of Energy, but I’ve evolved on light bulbs. I’m just looking for that special someone, who doesn’t see illiteracy as a hindrance. I’m from the great state of Texas and I enjoy drilling for oil and fondling guns. I believe evolution is a theory, just like gravity and abstinence works…at least that’s what my wife tells me. My favorite things are God, guns, the death penalty and serving up a big heaping plate of freedom. I believe every problem can be fixed by either God or duct tape. I might be dumber than a bag of dicks on Sunday, but I got dolla, dolla bills y’all!

stevebannon
Reich4U

My name is Steve Bannon (no I am not Glenn Beck). I’m Trump’s Chief Strategist and let me tell you why I am right for you. I’m on the extreme fringe, part of the alternative right, like alternative music except we suck. I enjoy long walks on the beach, polishing my Hitler Youth knife and I am just looking for that special someone, who wants to cuddle up by the fireplace and read Mein Kampf together and get matching swastika tattoos. I will be the man behind the curtain pulling the strings of our ass-hat President. Trump is my bitch. I hate gays, feminism, Jews, minorities, multiculturalism and orgasms. I don’t get drunk and text Rush Limbaugh in the middle of the night, asking why he doesn’t love me anymore; I’m ready to start a new relationship. I’ve been endorsed by the KKK, so come on board and join the fourth Reich white people, cuz me love you long time.

andrew-puzder
MrThickburger_69

I’m Andrew Puzder and the nominee for Secretary of Labor. I promise not to fuck the American worker, because I have a small penis as indicated by my profile pic. As CEO of Hardees and Carl’s Jr and head of the very agency that uncovered wage theft of my own workers; I am the perfect choice. I don’t believe in raising the minimum wage, overtime pay or breaks. Pee on your own time! I have that crocheted on a pillow at home. In my free time, I like reading Ayn Rand and wishing someone would hug me. Please, anyone. If you’re yearning to bring back a 1950’s work era of sexual harassment, wage disparity, low pay and racial discrimination, then we are soulmates. No more occupational and safety standards. OSHA can safeguard deez nuts.

betsy-devos
Hot4Teacher

I’m Betsy DeVos, the nominee for Secretary of Education. I love me some education. Just because I’ve made millions of dollars of contributions to Republicans over the years and know nothing about public school education, doesn’t mean I’m unqualified. I’ve spent my life trying to privatize education and support school voucher programs. My motto is, no public dollars for public schools. F that noise!  The Individuals with Disabilities Education Act, was made up by the liberal media in order to make me look stupid at my hearing. In my free time, I enjoy spending money,  opposing same sex marriage and advancing God’s kingdom of rich white people. I’m looking for a partner, who believes in Intelligent Design, but not intelligence. I think all children should be armed in school to ward off bear attacks. Leonardo DiCaprio would not have been sexually assaulted by that bear if he had been carrying a gun. Let me be your Secretary of Education; we will sip champagne and sit back and leave every decision to the states. Could someone proof read this for me.

bencarson
URSleepySurgeon123

I’m retired neurosurgeon, former Republican presidential candidate and your nominee for Secretary of Housing and Urban Development.  I will fall asleep on you while we are making love, but I will never neglect my duties on whatever it is this agency does. My main qualification for HUD is that I lived in a house growing up near an urban area. Also, I’m the only African American that Trump knows. My idea of a romantic night out is eating grain at an Egyptian restaurant. I believe that evolution was created by the devil, global warming is a hoax, being gay is a choice and Creationism should be studied in school. I got your Big Bang right here, know what I’m sayin’. I’m a critic of HUD’s fair housing rule. We can’t have the government infiltrating every part of our lives, because that’s communism and we don’t have a communist government; we have a fascist one. The government needs to stick to regulating women’s bodies and gay marriage. Being HUD Secretary is just like Goldilocks, you get to go to houses and sleep on other people’s mattresses. If you like stabbing a bitch, then I’m the man for you, because I might be bat shit crazy but I’m also crazy for love.

Just the Alternative Facts, Ma’am

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Who has time to learn the facts these days? Thanks to Kellyanne Conway, what used to be called ignorance, we can now call alternative facts. If you are on the go and don’t have time to learn the facts, no worries; here are some alternative facts that everyone should know.

CREATIONISM IS A SCIENCE. Charles Darwin spent a month on the Galapagos Islands observing its animals. He took note of the variations of the same species of animal, especially the Finch, that existed from island to island. Each of the animals had adapted to their environment to survive and from this observation, he developed his theory of natural selection. Animals and plants possessed traits well-suited for their environment and all organisms share a common ancestor. Humans evolved from its closest ancestor, the apes. Blah, Blah, Blah…Bitch please! I mean Sarah Palin has already debunked that theory, by pointing out that we could not have possibly evolved from apes, because apes still exist. It’s impossible to argue with that kind of logic. So, take that Richard Dawkins! The most scientific explanation for all of life is Creationism, the belief that God created the world in six days and on the seventh day he rested. He rested, because it takes a lot out of you trying to perfect Tom Selleck’s mustache. The bible doesn’t tell us what he did on the eighth day, but we assume he played Mahjong and sipped cappuccinos. The book of Genesis tells us that God created all of life. He created Adam and then God took one of Adam’s McRibs and created Eve out of it. The book of Genesis is not to be confused with the plot of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, where they were searching for a terraforming device called Genesis. God did not dramatically yell, “Khaaaaaaaaaaan! Khaaaaaaaan!” That was admiral James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise. After God took all the trouble to create the world, he got bored with it, much like playing with an Etch A Sketch and decided he would destroy it. God decided to spare a man named Noah and his family and told Noah to build an arc and put two of every animal that exists in the world on that boat. Creationism is a scientific fact, because it is a literal reading from the bible. You’re probably wondering how Noah managed to fit all of those animals in a boat. The answer is, with a shoehorn. Duh!

CLIMATE CHANGE IS A HOAX. Just like Orson Welles War of the Worlds broadcast, climate change is a hoax. It’s a slight of hand, a magic trick used by David Blaine. Climate change is a sham and puts undo regulations on businesses. You might have heard sea levels,temperatures and CO2 levels are on the rise and glaciers are melting at an enormous rate, but that’s just what the liberal media want you to think. Ninety-nine out of a hundred scientists agree that global warming exists and is man made. Those ninety-nine are just like those dentists, who recommend you don’t chew Wrigley’s gum and Wrigley’s gum is so minty and refreshing.

Our own President, world renown climate scientist tweeted, “The concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive.” Boom! *mic drop* This was tweeted and Constitutions are one thing, but tweets last forever.

How could the world be warming up; it still snows? There’s an inconvenient truth for you right there Al Gore! Why question climate change, when fossil fuel companies emphatically deny the existence of global warming, and they have no financial interest to do so.

So, put your fingers in your ears and refuse to listen to ultra liberal Presidents like this one, who by executive order established the Environmental Protection Agency, “Clean air is not free, and neither is clean water. Through the years of past carelessness we incurred a debt to nature and now that debt is being called.” – President Nixon.

SOCIALISM IS BAD. AMERICA IS A CAPITALIST NATION. When you think of the word, Socialism, think Bernie Sanders, Communism and think Stalin. In that order. Don’t think Jesus Christ though. Jesus Christ was not a Socialist! He was a hedge fund manager on Wall Street. There is no such thing as corporate welfare either; Large corporations hate grants and tax cuts. Besides Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, public schools, roads, libraries, fire department, the post office and prisons, I defy you to name one socialist program in the United States.

Bill O’Reilly television host and author of Killing Lincoln, Killing Jesus, Killing Kennedy and his next book Killing Myself said, “In life, anything worth while is difficult. If you want to achieve, you will suffer. Period. But the Socialist philosophy ignores this truism. It is based on entitlement that we have a right to live a certain way.” If Bill’s house caught on fire, he wouldn’t call the fire department, because he’s not going to let any of that socialist water touch his million dollar home by God.

Besides, the programs mentioned above aren’t technically socialist, since they are funded by unicorn tears and candy corn. Socialized medicine would be the worst of all socialist programs. Do you know what would happen to this country, if everyone had health care and drug companies couldn’t profit off sick people? There would be complete anarchy; it would be like an Apocalypse, except without Tom Hardy driving a kick ass muscle car, primarily because gasoline degrades over time, but I digress.

THE FOUNDING FATHERS WANTED A CHRISTIAN NATION. Most of the founding fathers were Deists, and who knows what that word means, because it’s from Old English. So, completely disregarding words we don’t know, as Christians, we know they were Christians, because all men we admire have to be Christians. Although the Constitution doesn’t mention religion, except in Article VI, that forbids any religious test for public office, the Declaration of Independence does.

“We hold these truths to be self evident that all men are created equal, endowed by their Creator.” I think we can safely insert the word God for Creator in there. The people who don’t respect this as a fact, also don’t respect America and the freedom that Bill Pullman gave us on Independence Day.

There is no evidence that the founding fathers weren’t Christians, except for these few obscure references.

“This would be the best of all possible worlds, if there was no religion in it.” – John Adams.

“Religious bondage shackles and debilitates the mind and unfits it for every noble enterprise.” – James Madison.

“Christianity neither is, nor ever was apart of the common law.” – Thomas Jefferson.

“Lighthouses are more helpful than churches.”  – Ben Franklin. What an arcane relic, that has no use in today’s modern, enlightened society. Just to be clear, I mean the lighthouses, not churches. Churches are still in use today, where else can you get a stale vanilla wafer on Sunday.

The next time someone wants to do their due diligence and present the facts, you can counter with your own set of alternative facts, without having to even get up from you futon.

A Salute to Those Who Came Before: 2016 Republican Presidential Coverage

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It’s been a tumultuous year. We’ve laughed; we’ve cried; we got a lobotomy. The 2016 Republican primary was a fight to the death. A fight to the end, to see which candidate Jesus would support. In the immortal words of Charles Dickens “It was the worst of times; it was the worst of times.”

Let’s start with one of my favorites, and everyone’s favorite extreme anti-gay, anti-immigration, anti-abortion, anti-Muslim, soup-loving Senator of Texas, Fat Dracula Ted Cruz. The worst thing to come out of Canada since Nickelback and Justin Bieber. He believes firmly in the bible, but not in climate change, because we all know that only the bible has been scientifically proven. After retiring from being the Zodiac Killer, he became Solicitor General of Texas, where he defended the display of the 10 Commandments on the grounds of the State Capitol, supported restrictive voter ID laws and helped defend a law criminalizing the sale of dildos. Thank God, because dildos were taking away the jobs of hard working sexual men.

Let’s not forget about the Senator of Florida and your favorite member of Menudo, Marco Rubio. Another anti-abortionist, who believes life begins as soon as Ronald Regan’s corpse says it does. He’s against stem cell research, raising the minimum wage, {pauses to take awkward sip of water} same sex marriage, climate science and the legalization of marijuana. He’s also available for parties.

Chris Christie is the love child of J. Edgar Hoover and Joseph McCarthy, but you probably know him as the worse Governor ever of New Jersey. His hobbies include eating, getting winded and shutting down bridges.

Who is John Kasich?

Let’s not forget about the lovable Rip Van Winkle, Ben Carson. The man who speaks slowly, but carries a big knife. The Neurosurgeon, who likes to take naps before, during and after surgery. The man who said that, “gayness must be a choice, because men who were raped in prison come out gay” and “evolution is a fairy tale created by the devil.” Hey, but he’s a neurosurgeon, so he must be smart. He also said he doesn’t “see” any global warming. It’s probably because he’s not wearing his special global warming sunglasses. Don’t get in an argument with him though, cuz he will stab a bitch.

Jeb Bush, former Governor of Florida and known as the, “smart brother.” He was the one everyone thought had the nomination in the bag and would be the one facing-off with Hillary. Sure he might have low energy, but he has high hopes of being a Fox News commentator. He is currently making his living by charging $20 per warm kiss.

It wouldn’t be a Presidential race without Mike Huckabee, former Governor of Arkansas, Christian minister and lead singer of Stryper. He likes to Snapchat with Kim Davis and he believes that marriage should only be between a man and Jesus.

There was also the Senator from Kentucky, Rand Paul, son of Ron Paul, son of Arathorn, King of Gondor. He was called,”the sane one, kind of.” He is anti-abortion, but pro volumizing shampoo.

You might remember the Governor of Pennsylvania and sweater vest enthusiast, Rick Santorum. If you can’t remember his last name, just think of the word sanitarium. He doesn’t believe in contraception, gay marriage, global warming or empathy. He thinks moms should be at home and not working. He is currently working in a cigarette factory in 1955.

I’ve saved the best for last; the misogynist, bigot, homophobe, xenophobe, rambling- idiot, reality TV star, President-elect, Donald Trump. His slogan is, “make America grab pussy again.” He is the man every woman would love to work for, the kind that sexually harasses you and then threatens to fire you if you say anything. The Pope did not endorse him, but don’t worry Christians, he was endorsed by the Ku Klux Klan though. His motto is mi casa, su…YOUR ASS! Although we don’t know specifically what all his polices are, we do know that they are going to be, “great, huge, fantastic, amazing and very great.”

Always remember where you were on the night of this historically horrific election, so that you can tell future generations of children, who are scavenging for carrion out of a nuclear waste dump.

“If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face—for ever.” – George Orwell.

To Poll or Not to Poll?

 

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Do we take too many polls? Well consider the following excerpt from Marietta Rodger’s (mediocre writer of rubbish. She means well though) novel, The Bill, where a Representative checks his approval rating.

“Joe went on PollTroll to check his poll numbers for today. His approval rating was at seventy-five percent; yesterday it was at seventy-six percent. Why had his approval rating dropped a percent in one day? The answer according to PollTroll was his paisley tie. Joe read PollTroll’s explanation and recommendation.”

Paisley patterns are made up of tear-shaped designs, making the wearer appear to be a cry baby or weak. Their origin is Persian and suggests the wearer is unpatriotic. Furthermore, the pattern is often found in rugs, making it hard to discern whether they are wearing a tie or someone’s door mat. This makes their beliefs unclear, the wearer a flip-flopper and perhaps even their sexual orientation ambiguous. Our recommendation is to discard the paisley tie in favor of royal blue or emerald green, something that represents strength. People wearing one of these ties are certain in their beliefs and leave no doubt as to their sexual orientation.

Polls are inherently flawed, because they involve human emotion. So, unless they are not done by a human or sentient computer that says, “I’m sorry Dave; I’m afraid I can’t do that;” they are tainted with bias. There are at least eleven major political polling organizations and that’s just within the United States. Aside from being flat out wrong in presidential races, like having Landon beating Roosevelt, Dewey beating Truman and Gore beating Bush (that one really hurt), what do they really tell us?  They tell us things like, which candidate is trustworthy, which candidate is tougher on foreign policy and which candidate loves Jesus the most (they all do). Fox, MSNBC, and CNN are all obsessed with poll numbers and cover every minutia of the political process to increase their ratings.  None of the polls predicted the rise of an orange-faced philistine, who thinks that everything is either “great” or a “disaster.” No one wants to be contacted about polls; we avoid them like a Warrant cover band. It’s not just in the United States, international polls were wrong about the Israel national election, the Scottish referendum and most notably the Brexit vote in the UK.

Polls have taken the place of good judgment and common sense. So, why do we keep relying on polls if they are consistently inaccurate? We keep hoping they will be right, but they keep disappointing us, just like Fruit Stripe Gum.  We like polls, because we are obsessed with trying to predict the future and what’s going to happen.

It’s not just in politics; companies are constantly taking surveys, which are just a poll in long form, to try and improve their products and services. Do they really improve their products though? *coughs Fruit Stripe Gum*

Etch A Sketch, which is still being made and sold by Spin Master Company, has not been updated since its invention in 1960.

Most receipts today have a number on the bottom you can call to take a brief survey. If you can ever make it all the way to the bottom of your CVS receipt it says, “be sure and read part two of the three part trilogy,” and it also directs you to go to go to their website and take their online survey. You can take the online survey and even offer suggestions or complaints. Sure, you might get your money back on the stool softener you bought, because it didn’t soften your stool, but in the end; your ass still hurts.

Did you like this article?

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I didn’t read it.

It made me want to buy stool softener.

All of the above.

TERRORforming Mars

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What would Mars be like if Americans took it over? Well, to quote from the movie Space Balls, “Oh shit; there goes the planet.” Move over Ray Bradbury, there’s a new chronicle to be written, one with superstores, shitty movie remakes and diabetes and it’s called, ‘Murica 2. The greatest country on Earth, has now just become the greatest planet in the solar system. But before we get ahead of ourselves and start building a Build-A-Bear Workshop, we would have to mark the territory with a giant American flag and then say the Pledge of Allegiance.

What religion would Americans practice on Mars? What could be more appropriate than Scientology. It’s finally right where it belongs; in outer space. Welcome to the Mars Church of Scientology founded by Tom Cruise, where everyone is welcome. HaHa…just kidding poor people. The book Dianetics has been replaced with the script of Top Gun, which you must purchase a page at a time. Once you have the entire script and your IQ has dropped by 20 points you’ve achieved enlightenment. Yes, the Mars Church of Scientology, where you can be spiritually enlightened for the right price.

What type of government would Americans have on Mars? There would be a two party system, but unlike complicated presidential primaries, where the rules vary from state to state, two candidates would be selected through rigorous games of Twister. The last two people left from either party, will then face off in Thunderdome. Two people enter, one person leaves to become the President. Terms will only last two weeks and then it’s on to another election cycle. Congress would be made up of monkeys, orangutans and baboons, just like in America now. Instead of Secret Service for life, each former president will get a life time membership to Planet Fitness.

Which businesses get to be on an American Mars? Parcels of land will be sold off to the highest bidder. Mars would soon be filled with Applebee’s, Wal-Mart’s, Starbucks’ and garish skyscrapers with the words, “Trump Tower” stenciled on the front. All major manufacturing jobs will be outsourced to Venus in order to keep the costs of products low. Not all parcels of land would be available for commercial use though; I mean otherwise there would be no place for Exxon Mobile and BP to drill.

Finally, how would the average everyday Joe and Jane spend their days on Mars? The same way as they do in America, with their heads down looking at their phones and salivating at the mouth, as they sit down at McDonald’s waiting for a super-sized, triple bacon burger, fries and of course, a diet Coke. Yes, the places on Mars have Wi-Fi, don’t be silly, otherwise we’d walk, because that’s a deal breaker. Fire all the guns you want, because the fun never stops and neither do the bullets, literally. So, come to Mars, because you might be a fat on Earth, but here on Mars you’re light as a feather.

scooter