Do Republicans Dream of Electric Sheeple?


Sci-Fi fans might remember that the Voight Kampff test, was a test that was administered in Philip K. Dicks’ novel, Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? and also in the movie, Blade Runner. The test was designed, to determine if a person was real or a replicant, by eliciting empathetic responses, which a human would give and detect replicants, because they were supposed to be incapable of discerning emotions. The Voight Kampff test has now been redesigned, but instead of detecting replicants, it can now detect Republican officials. Here are a list of sample questions taken from the new test.

A poor person comes to you, explaining she is a single mom working two jobs. She can barely make ends meet and relies on food stamps to feed her family. She begs you, not to cut the food stamps program from the Federal budget. What do you say to her?

  • Don’t worry, I won’t cut the funding for the program.
  • Food stamps? Ain’t nobody got time for that.
  • Offer her an Arby’s coupon for a free curly fry.

A man’s son was just killed in a mass shooting. He asks you what you are going to do about assault weapons. What do you say to the man?

  • Pull out a gun and shoot him.
  • I’m going to propose legislation to ban assault weapons.
  • Give everyone a gun, including monkeys and babies.

A teenage boy comes to you and tells you that his parents are illegal immigrants and are about to be deported. How do you respond to the teenager?

  • Invite the parents to work in your sweat shop for below minimum wage.
  • Propose an immigration reform bill that, would allow his parents to stay.
  • Start to offer him an Arby’s coupon, but then don’t, because you remember that you wanted to use it later.

A gay couple invite you to the bakery they own, where they make wedding cakes. What do you say to the couple?

  • I would love too!
  • Ask them if they have a minute to talk about Jesus.
  • Pretend to be dead.

A family has lost everything they own, because of a hurricane.  They want to know what you will do to help them and others like them. How do you respond to this family in need?

  • Give no fucks.
  • Give them food and water and tell them about the emergency services that are available.
  • Assault them with a paper towel roll.

An actual flaming turd, is a Republican candidate running for the Senate. It eats kittens, sells crack to kids in your neighborhood and judo chops old people. Do you give your support to this candidate?

  • Absolutely not!
  • If these allegations are true, then you might think about reconsidering.
  • Give money to its Super PAC.

The results of this test are supposed to be kept confidential, but I will share them anyway. Mitch McConnell’s results were inconclusive, because he passed out during the first question, at the mention of, “poor person.” Steve Mnuchin’s results were also inclusive, because he had to stop midway through, to count his bars of gold. However, two-thirds of our government have now been retired.






The Circumlocution Office


Welcome to the Circumlocution Office. Please fill out these ten pointless forms, so we can throw them in the trash and then set it on fire.

If you know your Dickens, the Circumlocution Office was a fictitious office in the novel, Little Dorrit. The CO is a bureaucracy, where nothing gets done and is in a state of endless confusion. It’s a ridiculous place, where forms need to be filled out in order to request more forms. Everything goes round and round in a circle, always ending with nothing getting done and the CO office commending themselves for what a great job they did. The office has no public accountability, uses no critical thinking and is run purely for the benefit of its incompetent and obstructive officials. It’s an office that seems likely to either destroy or cave in on itself in the end. The CO is primarily run by a family named Barnacle. No doubt a joke on Dickens’ part, because barnacles attach themselves to things like a leach and are very hard to remove.

The office is never, on any account to give a straight answer and they get indignant at being questioned. An example, is when the youngest Barnacle points out someone to his friend saying, “He walked in without an appointment and said he wanted to know, you know.” Knowledge can be so tiresome. The most important thing about the Circumlocution Office is their unofficial motto, something they take great pride in, and that is, the art of, “how not to do something.” Whatever it is, whatever needs to be done, you can bet the CO will not do it with great gusto.

Here in the United States, we have our own Circumlocution Office; it’s called the United States government and just like the CO has the Barnacle family, we have the Trump family. The head of our CO is Donald Trump, a guy who, had he not inherited money, would currently be outside your car window cleaning it with a squeegee. Another Barnacle is Jared Kushner, a German villain from a 1920’s silent film. He is literally in charge of everything. He is in charge of being in charge. By being in charge of so many things, he has just enough time to accomplish nothing at any of them. Where Jared is in charge of everything, his wife and counterpart is in charge of nothing, thereby completing the pointless circle. She does have security clearance, which is very important when you have no real interest in politics.

The spokesperson, who has to translate for our CO, making indiscernible words discernible, is Sarah Huckabee Sanders. A woman whose facial expression always says, “I’m mortified, but I’m getting paid a lot of money.” Her most recent conference, was defending Trump’s use of the phrase, “many sides,” like it was some kind of white supremacist origami. It’s all about defending the indefensible and drawing moral equivalencies, that should not be drawn. This is what protects the Circumlocution Office and keeps the crazy train running on time. When we want to know things, like what was in the initial top secret Republican healthcare bill, we were met with scorn and indignation. We needed to know what was in this bill that affects millions of people and is matter of life or death for some. In other words we wanted, “to know, you know.” As it stands, the bill wants to cut Medicaid, bring back preexisting conditions, get rid of the individual mandate and give a massive tax break to those less fortunate than us…the wealthiest one percent.

Like in pure CO fashion, it is constantly praising itself for doing nothing. After only seven months, Trump claims he has done more in his presidency that any other president, including FDR. Remember the president FDR, who only served 13 years? LOL! In reality, the only thing Trump has done so far, is play golf, tweet, fire 8 senior officials, including the head of the FBI, shared intelligence with Russia, played more golf, pull out of the Paris Climate Agreement and blame Obama, Congress and the Loch Ness monster for everything wrong. He did however, bring back some coal mining jobs to the early 19th century. His babbling in front of the podium, can only be described, by what Dickens said about the CO. “One of two things always happened, namely, either that the Circumlocution Office had nothing to say and said it, or that it had something to say, of which someone blundered one half of it and forgot the other.”

One of the reoccurring themes at the CO office was the importance of filling out forms that ultimately had no meaning. At our CO office, we have similar forms, namely an SF-86. A form, that lets the rest of government know, that you will have no conflicts of interest at your new post and can get security clearance. Mike Flynn, former National Security Adviser, failed to report payments from foreign governments, and his consulting firms promoted US/Russia joint efforts, to build a nuclear power plant in the Middle East. All of this, made Flynn a potential target for Russian blackmail. Jared Kushner failed to disclose 12 meetings with foreign officials, one of which was with Russian ambassadors and had a meeting with a bank specifically sanctioned by the US, for its role, in propping up corrupt oligarchs. It’s the kind of thing we need to know, if your unofficial title is, ‘Errand Boy.’

The Circumlocution Office is alive and well in the United States, and it will ultimately, “shipwreck everyone” as one character put it in Little Dorrit, and like the Titanic, there won’t be enough lifeboats for everyone.


Trump or Nixon


Trump or Nixon, the trivia game that is fun for the entire family. Which President, either Nixon and/or Trump is the correct answer. Warning: May burst into flames while you’re playing it.

I am a paranoid man with an inferiority complex.

My attorney general had to recuse himself.

I fired the head of the FBI.

I established the EPA.

I put a climate denier as head of the EPA.

My Vice President resigned.

I said, “I am not a crook.”

I tried to impede an FBI investigation against me.

I had the special prosecutor fired.

I had an actual list made up of my enemies.

I threatened an American city with martial law.

I taped all my conversations in the Oval Office.

I did not win the popular vote.

I secretly, without Congress knowing, bombed a country and thus destabilized that country for years.

I signed an executive order, banning certain Muslim countries from entering the United States.

I sabotaged a former President’s attempt to negotiate a peace treaty.

Bonus Question:

I am an orange, robot-monkey with tiny hands.

Mad Trump Beyond Blunderdome

trump thunderdome

Donald Trump, or ASSter Blaster if you will, runs Bartertown, which is mired in a Russian collusion scandal, that can only be described as a really lame-ass Thunderdome and coincidentally is fueled by the same thing as Bartertown, pig feces. In this arena, it doesn’t matter how many men enter, because they all leave, either by resigning, being fired or recusal. No one has gotten out of Blunderdome yet by dying, but don’t worry, there is still plenty of time for that. At this point, it is hard to keep track of how many people have exited Blunderdome, but here are some of the key players.

James Comey –  Head of the FBI, not fired immediately when Trump takes office, but on the 107th day into his presidency over, “mishandling of Hillary email investigation.” Certainly there is nothing suspect about firing the top official leading a criminal investigation against you. It’s not obstructing justice; it’s called Tuesday.

Mike Flynn – He’s everything you could want in a National Security Adviser and more. He was fired by Trump after lying about contacts with Russian officials, misleading the Vice President, discussing US sanctions, taking payments from groups associated with foreign governments, lobbying for foreign governments, being vulnerable to blackmail by the Russian government and his recipe for guacamole. (It’s Chipotle)

Preet Bharara – An Obama appointed, US Attorney from NY, who was fired by Trump, because he refused to resign. He was fired, despite the fact he was told by Trump when taking office, that he could keep his job. Bharara was investigating corrupt Russian businessmen with ties to Trump aides. He was also investigating Tom Price, Trump’s head of Health and Human Service Services, who traded health related stocks, while working on legislation affecting those same firms. He was investigating Trump’s favorite news organization, FUX News and former Chief, Roger Ailes, for failure to inform shareholders about sexual harassment settlements. Finally, Bharara was investigating Trump’s claim that Obama wire tapped Trump Tower. So many investigations, so little time.

Sally Yates – Acting Attorney General, who was fired by Trump, after she refused to enforce his executive order on travel and immigration. She told the White House that National Security Adviser, Mike Flynn, was vulnerable to blackmail by the Russians and he misled the Vice President about his conduct. After waiting 18 days and playing a few rounds of golf, Trump took her advice and fired Flynn. She was finally allowed to testify, and she divulged, that she told the White House that National Security Adviser, Mike Flynn was vulnerable to blackmail by the Russians; it was a startling revelation to Republicans.

Jeff Sessions –  Attorney General and my favorite character on Dukes of Hazzard, recused himself, from both anything involving the Russian interference with the presidential campaign and the investigation of the Clinton emails, all while consistently sticking his nose into the Russian interference and the Clinton emails. He also failed to disclose that he met with a Russian envoy during his Attorney General confirmations. He committed perjury about disclosing meetings with a Russian Ambassador. Apparently though, it’s not perjury if you say it like Forrest Gump.

Jason Chaffetz –  House Oversight Chairman and Soul Glo spokesman, abruptly announced he would not be seeking re-election. Then he announced he had to leave Congress for a month to have immediate surgery on a twelve year old foot injury, but only days later he was back in Congress. Nobody knows what is currently going on with Jason Chaffetz, including Jason Chaffetz. One thing is clear though, he thought it was time to turn in his Nazi Death’s Head ring and Jacuzzi pass, before having to eat a giant fuck sandwich. Thank God he didn’t leave before he voted in favor of the Republican Affordable Care Act.

Carter Page –  Former foreign policy adviser and grown man with dimples, resigned after it came out that he lied about discussing sanctions with Russian officials. The FBI obtained a FISA warrant to monitor his links between Russia and the campaign. In order to divert the DOJ from investigating him, he wrote a letter asking them to look into election fraud, disinformation and other abuses of the Hillary Clinton team. He’s available as a male escort, but only in the Cleveland area.

Roger Stone –  Former Trump Adviser and evil Keebler Elf, either quit or was fired by Trump, depending on who you ask. He had prior knowledge and tweeted about trouble for the Clinton campaign, right before official John Podesta’s emails were hacked by Wikileaks. Stone had communications with Guccifer 2.0, which is a Nickelback cover band and the alias of Russian hackers that hacked into the 2016 election. The most egregious thing that Stone did by far though, was have Nixon’s face tattooed on his back. (I wish that were a joke)

Horton Says, WTF? By Dr. Seuss

elephant beach

On the 8th of November, in the United States, in the midst of insanity, Horton heard something that caused a calamity.

Horton turned on Fox News and watched with sad eyes, as the woman he voted for, said her goodbyes.

He couldn’t believe it. Was it just bad luck? When Horton heard Donald Trump won the presidency, he said, “what the fuck?”

No way the President is that silly orange man. No way is it the guy, who was endorsed by the Klan.

The country is doomed now, if this is how it stands. We’ve elected a man with tiny-sized hands.

It was crazy, the things he had said. How did he win? The man couldn’t hold two thoughts in his head.

No, this simply won’t do. He did not win the popular vote. What a big pile of poo!

He’ll destroy our healthcare and hurt the elderly and sick. He’ll get rid of meals on wheels, which made Horton say, “what a dick!”

Trump will sign executive orders right and left and left and right. He’ll roll back Obama’s policies just out of spite.

You just wait and see. He’ll issue a travel band on Muslim countries, which made Horton say, “oh, fuck me!”

His Presidency will be shrouded in Russian hacking and spies. An albino Press Secretary will spin all his lies.

Would everything work out? The chances were small, not with his Chief Strategist, Erwin Rommel, with one ring to rule them all.

They’ll be homophobic and xenophobic polices that aren’t very nice. No indeed, not with a Vice President they carved out of ice.

He’ll have a crazy counselor; the worse to be found. A blonde, who looks like she got spun too fast on the merry-go-round.

Horton did not know what to think. What could he do? Well, first things first, Horton said, “I need a drink!”

Horton drank shot after shot and he got thoroughly drunk. Will this stand? Horton said, “I think not.”

He had a plan. Now he knew what to do. He said, “I will go to D.C,” and then threw up on his shoe.

He would not let democracy die. Horton jumped on his Moped, because he lost his license after his third DUI.

Horton will do something, in that you can trust. He crawled along on his Moped muttering, “impeachment or bust!”

Horton started to feel sick and it was getting dark. He pulled over to lie down on the bench in the park.

Before he passed out he thought, the whole thing really did suck. “I say,” murmured Horton, “what the fuck?”

Name That Russian: Everyone’s Least Favorite Game Show.


“Welcome to another exciting edition of, Name That Russian; the game show where everyone is a loser. I’m your host, Phil Bankrupt. Our first contestant is Jared Kushner. Jared, tell the audience about yourself. ”

“What audience?”

“The cameraman and that one old guy in the raincoat, who always sits in the back row.”

“I’m a J. Crew mannequin and I’m married to Ivanka Trump. We have an open relationship; she let’s me see other money.”

“Fantastic! Are you ready to play, Name That Russian?”

“Wait, I thought this was, Fox and Friends.”

“No, you’re on the game show Name That Russian.”

“I got confused.”

“No problem Jared; people confuse our two game shows all the time. Are you ready?

“Yes, I’m ready Phil.”

“I worked in the Soviet Ministry of Foreign Affairs and then on to First Secretary Counselor at the Embassy of the Soviet Union. I’m currently a Russian Ambassador to the United States and met several times with former U.S. National Security Advisory, Mike Flynn. Jared, can you name that Russian?”

“Am I getting paid for this?”

“No, that is incorrect; the correct answer is Sergey Kislyak. Sorry, you didn’t get it right, but we have a parting gift for you; it’s an amazing, douchey new sweater vest.”

“I like money.”

“And we like money too, here on Name That Russian. I owe back alimony and child support. Our next contestant is Carter Page. Carter, tell everyone a little about yourself.”

“I’m a grown man with dimples.”

“Yes you are! Tell me Carter, are you ready to play Name that Russian?

“Am I under oath?”

“No, you are not under oath.”

“Then yes, I’m ready.”

“I was Chairman of Management Board at State Corporation Bank and then worked for Yukos Moscow Oil Company. I’m currently Chairman of the Board at Vnesheconombank, a bank specifically named in UN sanctions and I repeatedly had business meetings with Jared Kushner, son-in-law to the President of the United States. Carter, can you name that Russian?”

“I don’t know, but I didn’t meet with him outside of Cleveland.”

“Of course you didn’t. The correct answer is Sergey Gorkov. Sorry to see you go, but we have a parting gift for you. Carter, you will take home with you, this brand new pile of garbage.”

“I’m white.”

“Indeed you are Carter. Our next contestant is Donald Trump. Donald, tell the folks at home about yourself.”

“First of all, you have to change the slogan of your show. It should be the game show, where everyone is a loser except Trump.”

“I will talk to our executive producers after the show.”

“I like to golf, ignore my family, put my name on yuge buildings, everything I say is a lie and most importantly, I’m a winner.”

“Outstanding! Are you–”

“Wait. Wait a second; I almost forgot. I’m also President of the United States.”

“I know; that’s why I’m an alcoholic. Alright, let’s get started. I was a KGB Officer for sixteen years. I was also Prime Minister of Russia. I like to ride horses with my shirt off, I have everyone killed who opposes me. I’m the current President of Russia and my country hacked your shit show of an election. Donald, can you name that Russian?”

“Call me, Mr. President Trump. Yes, I know this one; it is so easy. The answer is Vladimir Putin.”

“Vladimir Putin is the correct answer. Mr. President Trump, you win our grand prize. It’s a lovely 2017 impeachment.”

“I hate peaches.”

“Well, that’s all the time today we have for Name That Russian, the game show where everyone is a loser, except Trump. I’m late to see my parole officer. Tune in next week, where the godfather of the Italian mob, Paul Manafort, will throw money at the audience.”

We Don’t Need No Education: Principles of Trumponomics 101 Syllabus


Course:  Principles of Trumponomics 101, Make Economics Great Again.

Instructor:  Donald “Jazzy” Trump.

Office Phone:  (202) 555-4212. (Sean Spicer’s home phone)

Term:  Fall 2018.

Class Time:  MWF 11 – 11:50 am.

Office Hours:  During non-peak Twitter hours only.

Course Description:  This course is an introduction to whack-assed economics, as it relates to employing concepts to help you understand the dystopian clown carnival you now live in. We will focus heavily on bankruptcy laws and how to use them to your advantage. Also, how to save money, by leaving small contractors unpaid for their work. Adam Smith’s, “Invisible Hand” will be replaced with my tiny, man-hands, which I will strangle the American economy with. In Principles of Trumponomics, students will learn non-traditional problem solving techniques, like pulling random numbers out of your ass. We will learn the importance of down-sizing your company, by firing entry-level workers. A fiscal policy known in my Human Centipede administration as, “cutting the crusts off a shit sandwich.” In this course we will discuss the benefits of getting rid of TPP, while still being down with O.P.P. Students will learn to think up insults that will alienate all of our trading partners (except Russia) and how to start an expensive trade war, that will take down the entire American economy.

Learning Objectives:  LOL!

Application Objectives:  Students will plot their data using a bar graph or pie chart. An actual pie is also acceptable. If an illegal immigrant steals your pie, come see me during my office hours. Feel free to use alternate facts or real facts; I won’t know the difference. Remember, it’s not about accountability, but deniability.

Prerequisites:  Reaganomics, elementary school and must follow me on Twitter.

Text:  The Art of the Deal.

Grading:  All grading will be done by my chief economic adviser, Gary Cohn, using a rubric cube.

Academic Honesty:  Each student will sign the honor code. Cheating and plagiarism are not tolerated with the exception of the following sources:  Fox News, Breitbart News, Glenn Beck Program,, fortune cookies and Wikipedia.

End-of-term Course Evaluations:  At the end of the term, you have the opportunity to evaluate me and the quality of the course. Any evaluations that aren’t terrific, fantastic, amazing or great will result in failing the course.